June 30, 2010

I'm waiting for my ride to TMC to have a bronciascopy (sp) done to look at a "little" nodule on my lung. But like any procedure there is always miniscule chance something can go wrong so of course I think I'll be that .99 percent person. I thought about writing letters to those family members and friends who I want to say some last words to but then time got away from me because of reading the insert on my new Stevie Nicks CD and I just heard my ride pull up. If there is another entry you'll know I made it if not I didn't!

Happy Monday

Hey there. I was eating breakfast and listening to CMT top 20, there are a few songs I like. They were talking about the concert to aid Nashville flood victims. I lived in middle TN for over 25 years and the area that appeared to be most affected was the high rent district where many of the country stars live. Having a concert that would benefit these people would really bother me. So not wanting to jump to conclusions I googled the flood and who was most affected. Well it turns out that a population referred to as "tent city", homeless people who live near the Cumberland river in tents were part of the group of people most affected. In listening to the various artists talking about the flood and who lost equip and someone lost a signed guitar that was given to him by his idol. No one has ever mentioned the poor and homeless affected. I would really want to know where the money from this concert is going. I really would hate to see it go to the entertainers who were affected and I'm sure had insurance on their equipment or property. Just something to think about.

Later on Sunday

I took a nap after the X-Files and slept peacefully to early Rolling Stones. I was to a visit from a new and very dear friend who has filled a void that I have had for a very long time. There is a certain connection that happens with another person it is rare and it is a valuable gift. A person that when you think about you smile, someone who can make you really laugh. I could go on and I probably will later. Right now I am just enjoying the moment, the inner peace I feel. As a writer, the feelings and the thoughts are churning and there will be more. My back is hurting a little more than usual but I took my meds a little later than usual. Tomorrow I see the lung Dr. I think I am anxious because I don't know if it will be bad news or no news and both options are not good. There is something wrong with my lung but whether it is a minor or major problem I just want to know. But right now I don't want to think about that I just want to soak up the good feelings I have right now.

She lived through Fright Night

I made it through the night. I was greeted with a good morning and Mayra brought me some neat girl things for my bathroom. Thank you Mayra! And as I went through the guide to what if anything good was on today I found an X- File marathon. I LOVE that show!!!! So I thank the programmer on station 199. I'll be absent for awhile I will be enjoying one of my favorite shows of all time.

Saturday Night

It's Saturday Fright night at my place. Picture a woman in a wheelchair stuck in her bathroom with a scorpion in the bathtub. This woman is excessively afraid of bugs since being unable to move away or grab something easily to kill it. Yet some how she finds the wits to grab her trusty can of hair spray and spray it even as it tries to get away. She manages to lean over the tub and swish the hair sprayed item of her fear with a bottle of conditioner. Now as she retells it in the third person her hands shaking on the keyboard, the feeling of itchiness and the fear of turning any lights out. She has already put a candle lighter and the can of hair spray on her bed. The only person she could call on is her upstairs neighbor but since its Saturday night it is unlikely he would respond. It definitely took her mind of her previous thoughts. I'll let you know if she makes it through the night.

Ah, the weekend

Every askes "So what are you gonna do for the weekend". In my current situation, its almost like everyday is the weekend. The days I have medical appt's are busier but they are basically the same. I read, I write, I have contact with family and friends by phone or on-line. I see my wonderful health care aide Mayra, who I don't know what I would do without. Its like you know you would continue but it just wouldn't be so much fun. It is so intensely different going from working everyday of my life for 37 years since I was 16 to being home everyday because I can't work. I never dreamed anything like that would happen to me. I never pictured myself retiring even and now I can't picture myself working. Its like the bag of bones that never stopped has just fallen apart. I get exhausted even when I do nothing. I'm ashamed to admit it but its true and I have to make some sense of this. I have to look at myself honestly in everyway. Its not easy but I have to do it. I don't know that I will always feel this way. If I have learned anything from this experience its that we survive and we change. I have survived so very many different things in my life and until my illness I didn't really change, I'd think I did but I would fall into the same old patterns. Work, don't let yourself be human and never really be alone. I've had 3 husbands, 3 long term serious relationships and more brief encounters than I can remember. I always had someone on deck so to speak even if just as a friend that I knew if I wanted I could pull in to be more. I don't want to do that this time. It helps that I am alone and have little opportunity to meet anyone. I let my last guy know that I wasn't going back to him. It looks like we will be able to maintain a friendship. I hope that it stays that way. I met someone on line, in a strange way. I signed up for a variety of on-line dating services really just to gather information (yes, I am still writing books), so I saw people's profiles but was never able to communicate without giving credit card info which would only be charged if you used it for a certain period of time. Anyway, I attempted to respond even though it should not have worked, it did. So I met someone new. And as tomorrow we will have been seeing each other for 3 weeks. Odd to count weeks isn't it. It seems like we are being open and honest with each other and that makes it the first relationship where I have been me right from the start. It is also the first one in which I am also honest with myself. I have no expections. He is someone I really really like. I miss him when he's not around but I guess I am holding my heart back and keeping it out of things. I have never really done that before. I am tired of being brokenhearted. I have been brokenhearted I guess all my life starting with my family of origin to my last long term relationship. I put everything into it and it never ends good. I want this relationship to be good no matter where it goes or doesn't go. I've been going through my old LP's and 45's and I realized how much of my music was about pain and learning how not to feel. The greatest musicians of my youth was Simon and Garfunkel. They touched other emotions but "Sound of Silence" and "I am a Rock" were the anthems of my youth. I played the album, Parsely, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme", over and over and over. I know all the words to almost every song on every album. I believe I have every album they did together and solo. I read old journals and old poetry that I wrote and the newer ones and the feeling never changes. I have always felt so empty, alone and hurt. And I always wanted to be alone. Now I am but for the first time mostly due to forces beyond my control I am alone with me. It feels strange but not bad. I think I may have finally found what I was always looking for-me. I am facing things differently. Sometimes I feel happy and sometimes I let myself sob. A mental health professional might say I have mood swings (I used to be a mental health professional). Now I would just say I'm living life and that isn't a sign of illness it is a sign of wellness. There is nothing to fear about being who we really are. At least not today. Tomorrow or even later today I may feel differently but you know what that's ok. That's normal.

Finally Friday

I skipped writing one day so now I'm not sure if it was yesterday or the day before but either way I took my first bath since being sick!!!! Of course my home health aide, Mayra had to help me but oh it was so nice. Some kind of lavender beads took me away-sorry calgon! It's little things like that we take for granted and then when you can't do it boy those little things mean a lot. It's been an emotional week for me but I'm still here and feeling pretty positive about my life. I am trying to be me all the time. And honest if possible without hurting anyone but if necessary I think I am prepared to be honest anyway. I have a support system that encourages me to be me and are accepting of who I am. You know being yourself can be the hardest thing there is to do. Some people may think I'm joking but most women, I can't speak for men, are always trying to please some else. Maybe your family, your children, your husbands/partners, your employer, your friends but when do you really please yourself. Pleasing yourself is not selfish. You have more to give and a better quality you to offer. I have almost always bought my own jewelry well this time I bought a cheap cubic zirconion wedding set. I wear it on my right hand for two reasons. First I feel like a widow because every marriage or long term relationship is dead and even though I did the leaving there is loss and grief. I never allowed myself to even think that let alone feel the grief. The second reason is to remind myself that I must first be married to myself before I can be a special person to someone else. I have to acknowledge what I have done for years and that is look out for myself, watch my back. No one every did that for me though I did it for them until the love was dead. So now I don't look or expect anyone else to do it for me. As a matter of fact I am trying so very hard not expect anything from anyone because when you do thats when you get hurt. Its not anyone's fault but your own, my own. I don't blame anyone not even myself. I'm human I can't always do what it is I want to do or be how I want to be.
Had a wonderful dinner out and so comfortable. Hope very much that this lasts. Funny what you find when you're not looking.