Crappy Saturday

I am on day 11, it takes us into the present. And today agent of change is acceptance of myself past, present and future. So while I am spending the day going over the serenity prayer and seeing what in my life goes into which column I find the only thing I can't change is my gender but even that is not for sure except I definitely wouldn't want to be a guy. Things I can change--just about everything I can change if I really want to. And inspite of the fact that I really love my life and me just as it is right now I shouldn't be listening to vh1cl one hit wonders. One of those old songs touched a nerve and made feel and think about someone from so very long ago. It is making me feel the longing I have always felt for this man. It was so long ago. I was 19 and he was 34. Fifteen years difference is a big one. He will be 70 in Oct. I haven't seen him since 1980
though through the remaining years we kept in touch writing and talking on the phone. We always hoped we'd see each other again. We never have and I think its just letting go of the belief that we will ever see each other that has me so emotional. I really never doubted that we would be together one last time to say good bye. I no longer believe that will be the case. I don't know how his health is and I am no longer in a position to go where he is. So I know it will never be and that makes me very sad. It also reminds me of another man I loved in my life. We were never in the same palce at the same time but again we stayed in touch until just a few years ago. It seems as far as my love life it was always better when they were in it if only with letters and calls. When they are out of my life I feel lost.