My absense

I was going to say I'd taken some days off writing just because I had nothing interesting or insightful to say. But thanks to my sister and her ability to know just when I need a kick in the a-- and some love and support I will not wear my armor. The past few days I have been very depressed and slept most of the day and night. I honestly can't put a finger on why I was feeling so depressed but I have learned to allow myself to feel whatever it is I feel. I think some of it is the waiting for PT to start. I have to wait for an opening. I'm tired of being wheelchair bound and tired of being strong and upbeat. How I feel now and this past weekend will be short lived. It is not in my nature to be this way but I am human and sometimes it just all feels to heavy. So there my friend I have taken my armor off not just with you but with whoever reads my blog. I don't want sympathy or pity I just want to be heard and accepted. And I do have some interesting things to say and some insights but I am still not able to formulate them in a good way to put them in words.

Thursdays seem to come so quickly these days

Yesterday was indeed Wednesday. I know because my friend the Dr. was off and spent time with me having lunch and watching a movie. Girls day because we got to share it with her young daughter. There I was tense at the edge of my seat watching a children's movie. I'm not sure of the name but it was about a place called Nardia. I loved the talking badger and the talking mice. Everytime I see or hear talking mice I think of Fivel and his little song "there are no cat's in America" and his surprise when he found there mice in America. I had a really good day as I finished reading the lessons I have received so far in my Shamanism course, cleaned out my closet with the help of Mayra and tried to emotionally lay low from my former boyfriend. It was really a shock when I saw and admitted to myself that I had allowed myself to be at the least emotionally bullied and at the worst emotionally abused. Having grown up in an abusive environment I can truly say I should have known better. I am not seeing myself as a victim, I never have. I take complete responsibility for how I feel. But again the lesson I have learned from this experience is I must follow my own advice, take care of myself first. And the other lesson is to share who I really am and what happens in my life with my daughter. I keep forgetting she is all grown up and no longer needs to be protected and that she will always love me no matter what. I have always tried so hard to be a good role model to everyone I encountered but especially for my daughter. And i apparently have as she has recently used my own words to show me the error of my ways (don't you hate it when they do that!). It makes you feel like a little kid. I am sure it continue allow our already wonderful relationship grow to a new and even better level.
I heard from my spiritual mentor in the past couple of days. I am so happy. She is always in my heart but now we can communicate in more normal ways. And as soon as I figure out how to link her blog to mine I will do so. She taught me about goddesses, the Feminine Divine and Reiki. She helped me find my spirit. I was looking and the Universe put her right in my path. As a result of my illness and it's effect on my memory, I was unable to access my hotmail account. I couldn't remember my username or my password and microsoft made it impossible to retrieve it. I couldn't even remember the answer to my secret question.
I sent time last night in particular convincing myself I didn't miss a guy I have just recently started seeing. I am so determined to be able to be alone that I am shutting down feelings. And right now I believe it is something I must do to grow to my next level. I don't want to ever need a romantic partner though someday I will find it is okay to want one.
Last night I slipped in the bathroom and fell between the toilet and the bathtub. This was good and bad. It was good because I was able to quite easily pick myself up and get back in my chair. It was bad because all day my side hurt very much. I sat on the couch with the heating pad around me while I read and napped. I still get incredibly fatigued in the middle of the day and even if there is no one hear I wake myself up talking. It's the nacrolepsy that my pulmonologist doesn't believe I have even though I meet the criteria perfectly. Some Dr.'s just don't like informed patients.
In my decades as a therapist I always believed that with a few exceptions I was the best one for the job. And I still believe that to be true in general. However, I have a therapist who is just perfect for me. As I am just shy a dissertation for a Ph.d in parapsychic science and I believe in all things paranormal including intuition, ghosts, spirits, and that we are all part of the Universal force that makes up everything, a more traditional therapist I would not share these things with. As a matter of fact, my dissertation looks at the psychic, the psychotic and the religious mystics/shamans and the similarilities in their brains and brain chemistry leaving only culture to make them either gifted, holy or sick. I am sure that many of the sickiest individauls I have treated or hospitalized really needed someone to teach them about the gifts they had and how to control and use them to benefit themselves and others. In any case, again I am grateful to the universe for putting me with a person who understands and even draws on what I know to increase his knowledge base. I have been reading an article by Judith Orloff, MD and I have learned she is psychic and has been both negatively and positively affected by it. It is more accepted then it used to be and is especially here in Tucson. That may be why I feel so contented here. Well that's it for this entry. More tomorrow.....

Later on the water shed day

Mayra definitely changes my day and helps my mood. I think we help each other. We can be each other's reality check and validators. I'm grateful for her. My daughter is amazing. She can take just about anything and even in a totally exhausted state be more eloquent than I can on my best day. Just when I think I should bob and weave she hits me with an upper cut of love. She really is amazing. I settled down and made some decisions that should make my life calmer. I think I am ready to focus on my goals. I am working on going threw the house and make it my own again. With Mayra's help we are getting there. I am reading the material on my Shaman course for ULC. It has information that fits right in with the dissertation I've yet to write. But I believe I will be able to start it after I finish the Shaman course. I am also ready to get back to work on the Aromatherapy course. I have 1 and a half books left in that course. I wanted to start working on the 2nd Ph.d while waiting for my head to work well enough to do a good job on the dissertation. I have realized like I did as a teenager but forgot that I am not responsible for other people in how they perceive things, in what they do or don't do. I am only responsible for my own feelings, thoughts and actions. I know it and always have but somehow I lost it in my life. I have it back. I really am using this time to look at myself in the mirror. Some of what I see I like and some of what I see I need to change. But I will identify those things and share them with those who read this. I am not afraid to look at the good and the bad in me. Changing can be scary but sharing it like I am helps me not be afraid.

A watershed day

How is it that 44 years ago I let my life be controled by a mentally mother and her abusive husbands and now all these years later I find I am allowing the same thing to happen. I'm still allowing myself to be controled emotionally by a carbon copy of my mother. I think I have learned something in those years and while its taken me longer than I would like to see it. I do see it. And I am not going to let it happen to me again. No one is going to control me. There is nothing that can be done to me. I am stronger than that. I will not buy into it. Whatever he does to himself or tries to do to me will fail. I take responsibility for myself but just me not anyone elses behavior. If that's the lesson I was supposed to learn from the past four years, well I've learned it. And class is over. I don't care what threats I get. If I have the chance to say that I will but I am going to do what I can to keep his brand of poison away from me. I am blocking his number from my cell and I will not answer my home phone at night. If I don't hear it it can't hurt me. I hate it is ending this way but that wasn't my choice. Keeping my sanity is my choice. It was my choice over 40 years ago and its my choice again. I hope I have learned this lesson for the last time.

Adult Angst

Why is life so difficult to be honest. They say life during your teens is filled with angst but at least people expect that. As an adult you're supposed to know exactly what we want and do it. I know what is best for me but when I do what is best it hurts other people. I feel bad in a way but not in another. In this case, the person being hurt is basically a good person but he is now feeling the pain he has caused others and he can't understand it. Sylvia went through it for years and always forgave him and took him back. His excuse his illness, he's normal needs, he couldn't say no. He changed and now he can't be that understanding person his ex-wife was. His broken heart is more important than I'm he felt hers was and more important than mine when I believed everything he said only to find it was not true. Or mine when I had no physical contact for years and spent most of my time walking on egg shells to not upset him. So why do I still feel guilty, feel bad, why do I want to keep him from feeling bad even though all I want to do is be honest but I have a hard time because I hate hurting anyone and him in particular.

Thursday afternoon

Well its not Thursday. I have had a weird couple of days. My up's and down's have felt like a bouncing ball against a wall of a school in a playground. I also have been feeling ill so I slept alot. I think I'm over it. I watched season 2 of Sex in The City and that always makes me feel better, not alone. But I'm still not ready to open my blinds figuritvely or literally. Another thing that has helped how feel is a Stevie Nicks cd I just got. I love her voice and her songs just touch my heart right whee it needs.

July 1st

I did survive yesterday and my lung at clean bill of health so now their trying to come up with another explanation for my coughing up blood. Ihave happy, sad and to fight off some verynegative energy. I need to smudge this place. I know where that dark could comes from. And I am trying get him to see its better to leave me alone. I have no idea where this day has gone. I have busy since 5 am, but I don't feel like I have accomplised anything then responding to all he e-mails. I had a friend come over and visit. But that wasn't long. I grocery shopped, shopped for new bedding. Answered some mail from classmates.com I cooked dinner. I guess I did accomplish more than I thouhgt but I have som uch I need to write about and I didn't get a chance maybe later this evening.