Finished with present now off to the future

I have finished the section on the present in the 21 day cleanse. It seemed to faster than the past. Again I found that I had pretty much already done it wanted us to day. I don't know if it is just me because I am so introspective or if it hit anyone else like this. I am looking forward to the future section and hope I don't already know it. But ya know I have a feeling I will. PT is going very well except to day my back hurt, my knee hurt, I had a headache and a crick in my neck so Marlene did Cranio-sacral on me and I felt much better when I left. My guy friend picked me up and to me out to eat seafood but he would tell me where we were going. It was fun. We ended up at the Desert Diamond casino. We went to the buffett and ate a ton of seafood. There was really good old music playing in the background. And he was so nice and attentive. Then when we had done all the damage we could do there we played the slots a little while. We both only are willing to lose $20. So he lost his quickly but I made the one he gave me last a little longer. It was a perfect night and that makes me glad I understand and am laid back. Every relationship has its own special flavor. I am happy with this one.

Something else

I believe I forgot to update whoever reads this that my absent friend came back and wanted to talk. He says he wants to see me because of me--not for money (this good I have none), food (also good my idea of fixing dinner is nuking something), or sex (not good that's really the only thing I do myself) but just because I'm important to him. But doesn't want to be in a committed relationship. Ok, I don't either but I have yet to find out what he means by not committed. A no strings attached one probably but does this mean I can have other non-committed relationships at the same time. I'm not sure because at one point we did say we wouldn't see anyone else. So do I ask or do I assume non-committed means I can do whatever I want with whom ever I want. I know he has female friends but he's never said anything to make me think there was anything going on so do I ask the question or not, not about him but about me. If he says he isn't seeing anyone and doesn't expect me too I'm screwed. If I don't ask and assume non-committed also means non-monogamous then I can do what I want. Ugh, wanting and trying to be honest about everything in one's life can be quite perplexing. So I welcome comments from anyone who reads my blog. What does "non-committed relationship" really mean?

Crappy Saturday

I am on day 11, it takes us into the present. And today agent of change is acceptance of myself past, present and future. So while I am spending the day going over the serenity prayer and seeing what in my life goes into which column I find the only thing I can't change is my gender but even that is not for sure except I definitely wouldn't want to be a guy. Things I can change--just about everything I can change if I really want to. And inspite of the fact that I really love my life and me just as it is right now I shouldn't be listening to vh1cl one hit wonders. One of those old songs touched a nerve and made feel and think about someone from so very long ago. It is making me feel the longing I have always felt for this man. It was so long ago. I was 19 and he was 34. Fifteen years difference is a big one. He will be 70 in Oct. I haven't seen him since 1980
though through the remaining years we kept in touch writing and talking on the phone. We always hoped we'd see each other again. We never have and I think its just letting go of the belief that we will ever see each other that has me so emotional. I really never doubted that we would be together one last time to say good bye. I no longer believe that will be the case. I don't know how his health is and I am no longer in a position to go where he is. So I know it will never be and that makes me very sad. It also reminds me of another man I loved in my life. We were never in the same palce at the same time but again we stayed in touch until just a few years ago. It seems as far as my love life it was always better when they were in it if only with letters and calls. When they are out of my life I feel lost.

Day 9 of Consciousness cleanse

I'm on day 9 of the consciousness cleanse. I have missed a day or two but I am just picking up where I left off when that happens. So I am now on the present. I found that the ritual ending the past was something I had a hard time wanting to do. You are supposed to let go of the past bad, negative thoughts, beliefs, actions, traumas etc. But I found myself resisting it because I know that what happened in my past good or bad is what has made me what I am in the present. I like who am now and I am grateful for my past with all its problems and disappointments. I think that what is intended on day 8 is something I already have. I am no longer pained by anything that happened in my past or anything I did in my past, or anyone else did. I am at peace with my past and as I said I am alos grateful. I like that feeling. It is not something I want to throw away as suggested in the book. So I am going to do what my intuition directs me to do and that is to keep my past as I continue to learn lessons from it that are benefiting me in the here and now. I am listening to a Carly simon CD and the song "I have got time for the pain" is playing and that pretty much sums up how I feel about my past. And the person she sings about that has made her feel that way is not another for person for me. It is me. I can't adequately describe how very good it feels to NOT be in a relationship and to be living alone. I am so content to have my friends and family. After all these years I can really say I don't need a man-I idin't need a father, or a brother or a mate. I am perfectly fine all by myself. At least I get to live the 2nd half half of my life even more on my on my own terms than I did the 1st half of my life. I am finally accepting the Divine in me and that to quote the Desiderta, "I am a child of the universe" and the universe is the Divine in my eyes. We are all part of the Divine. I am happy.

Let Your Feelings Flow

I am day 6 I think of the consciousness cleanse. Its whichever day is surrender is. I am supposed to allow my feelings to flow through me regardless of whether they be good or bad. I think I had or have a problem with letting negative feelings, anger, disappointment, hurt.I noticed this over the weekend when someone behaved differently than I expected. My initial response was I'm what did I do wrong. But as the weekend progressed I found myself realizing that I never had allowed myself to make equal standards with other people. I wouldn't say I have been a doormat but I don't make my expectations clear either because I don't think anyone would even try to meet mine or that I'm not worth it. However, I am worth it and I realized this when I looked at the wedding ring set I bought for myself. Would I be ok with anyone else treating my daughter, any friend or my new wife (me) like that. Hell no. So hell no not with me either.
If I have an opportunity to see this person again I am going to thank them for their past behavior as it caused me along with the consciousness cleanse to see that you get what you expect. I never expect anything so when I don't get it I'm not surprised and not angry. I won't even try make anything different. I wasn't wrong and this person will no longer be in my life. Not because I'm angry or hurt but because I can do better. Even if I am alone I'm doing better because everyday I like myself more and more. This evening I had a new caregiver filling but the agency did not give her good directions and this is not new and not limited to this agency. It pisses me off. The house they go to the big one which EMPTY, come on people you can see it's empty look around find the small house with lights and people. I yelled at the after hours lady and it wasn't her fault so I did apologize and said I just really need to tell the agency although I have in the past. A few minutes after the aide got here the nurse Cindy showed up (never usually happens). She wanted to make sure everything was all right. I got the impression she was making sure the aide was alright. I never even raise my voice to anyone. The few times I talked to anyone it was in a harsh bitchy way. I am letting my feelings flow through me. I am also raising the bar higher for all things and relationships in my life. One's I already have and any new one's I may find along the way. Especially my new relationship with myself.

2000 An untimely death

One of my favorite poets and probably the poet who had the greatest impact on my style of poetry is Peter McWilliams. I had several of his small paperback poetry books and they were well worn. I went looking for them to share with a friend but couldn't find them. When I can't find a book I want but know I have I will give it a few days and if I can't find it, I buy it again. In this case, I learned alot from and about the author. He complied all his poetry books with his favorites in a hardcover book. I loved it. And in looking up his books I found he wrote many non-fiction books. I bought one, "Life 101 Everything We Wish We Had Learned About Life In School-But Didn't". It was 464 pages of the easiest to read, most interesting, witty and useful book I've read in a very long time and believe me I read a lot of books. I strongly recommend any of Peter McWilliams books. As a matter of fact, I just realized I should right a review for it on amazon where I get most of my books. And here I'll insert a plug for my book which can be purchased at lulu.com "Poems in the Key Of Life...a Journey".
I assure you it is a very good book of poetry. Anyway, back to Peter, I learned at the end of the book that he died in 2000. I feel a deep lose now knowing that he is gone. His poems helped me go through all the loves in my life. I can only hope that material I end up getting published has half the impact that his works have had on me. Please do yourself a favor either buy or get it from the library but read anything by Peter McWilliams. It will touch you.
Last night I failed to do day 5 of my consciousness cleanse but I am going to get back to it and to meditating. I am also going to finish a book a day (that I've already started) and edit one chapter or group of stories of my unpublished material. And as soon as I finish the Shamanism course I will start writing my dissertation. I am motivated again.

Back in the saddle

I was unable to write anything for a couple of days because my computer decided to act up but as quickly as it acted up it came back on its own???? Go figure I think computers are like teenagers you love them one minute and want to send them flying across the room the next (but of course we don't). Anyway, I am now on day 4 of my consciousness cleanse and not listening to music or watching tV is driving me crazy. I have reread everything I have from my novel. I have to type in to the computer now and alot of lost space to recreate. But what is so strange about this book of mine is that so much of it has mirrored my real life not exactly but closely enough for me to see that I write. What I want and expect for myself when written will evetually come true. My character was in a coma and had to have rehab. I wrote that more 10 years ago. It amkes me want to pick it up and finish this book and start a sequel.