An utterly unexpected Saturday

Yesterday I felt like no one got me and today I feel I don't get anybody else. I am a firm believer that we make life just way too complicated. I am going home in October and no one at home has seen or known me wheelchair bound. I truly appreciate everything they are trying to do to make it easier for me. And yes people grew and changed in my absense, but we are not THAT different. I've changed some but so much so that I'll be different with people. I guess I was just surprised. The thought of being home makes me feel better not worse. I know I'm the one who left, I feel guitly about that sometimes but I can't regret it. I had lessons to learn that I would not have learned if I had not left. I trust the same is true for my family. Right now after having almost died and being in a wheelchair, I fought with everything I have to be strong and positive. And now I keep trying to suck it up so no one knows just how bad I really feel. Not that I will ever let anything keep me down. I won't, it's not in my nature. But being alone now, feelings I kept away for the sake of others have no reason to stay gone. And soemtimes whether I want them to or not they break through. Sometimes I feel like my heart is broken in to pieces. When that happens I just play Janis Joplin and Bonnie Tyler and I don't feel so alone or I read my onw book and recall when my life was really bad and realize that what I have now is what I always wanted. I always wanted to be alone. Time to think, to read, to listen to music, and to write. I am going to make make the most of this time and look forward with all my heart to adjusting to my family again after such a long absense. I know my life will be alright and I know I will walk again. I have not changed, I just show my feelings a bit more when I chose to and to whom I chose. And that is unexpected by us all.