It’s baaack!

Well much to my surprise I have been blessed with a return performance of old friend, MRSA. Yes, it’s back only this time instead of my spine it is in my lung. There was a possibility it was cancer but it wasn’t. I know most people won’t understand this but MRSA scares me more than cancer. I’ve had MRSA and I know what it can do. I’ve never had cancer and I know sometimes it can be removed surgically. MRSA has a mind of its own and sometimes responds to antibiotics and sometimes it doesn’t. I have read about the possibility that it can return. I was just getting better. I am able to amble around my house. And then this. I don’t want to go through being sick again. I am exhausted. The pain in my arm and chest distracts me all the time. I can’t get a full deep breathe. Coughing hurts my chest and my back. And I am tired of coughing up blood. I’m not sure if the people in my life will understand why I’m scared. They don’t have too but it would nice if they did. And as I sit here and type and think I still feel scared because I still don’t know when or how I’ll be started on an antibiotic because my insurance won’t pay for the oral one so now they to see if it will pay for the IV one. As I sit and wait and wonder.

"Out with Old and In with the New"

We tend to be creatures of habit so as many of us do at the end of one year and the beginning of a new one I want say what I am thankful for and what I hope for.
I am thankful for being born into the family of origin I had. I believe that we choose what family to be born into who will help us learn the lessons we are supposed to learn in this lifetime. Yes, I believe in karma and reincarnation. I believe we are born with all the skills we need to learn the lessons we are sent to learn. The difference we make with our free will is to make the most positive choices we can in our life. I believe that is why it looks like some people make "it" whatever "it" is to you and why some people don't.
I am thankful for all the people who touched my life these past 55 years. Some people just touched me briefly and others have always been with me.
I am thankful for Jennifer my wonderful, strong, intelligent and beautiful daughter.
I am thankful for my two adorable young grandsons and I hope to see them turn into kind, happy, and healthy young men.
I am thankful for all the strong and compassionate women who I have had the privilege to know. I am thankful for those who are actively in my life now.
I am thankful for Lisa my oldest friend. She is always the same no matter how long its been since we talked and she is the person who can make cry the easiest.
I am thankful for Rena. She is the sister is wasn't born with but the one who is closer to me than any sibling could be. She has been there for me in thick and thin. She has looked out for me and helped me through some of my darkest times. We have also had a helluva lot of fun together. Looking back we never doubted our ourselves when we were together. At least that is how I remember it. One perfect example is one weekend camping we took a walk and for some unknown reason decided to walk across a train track of some kind over water. Knowing us we probably did it just to prove we could. Well, she didn't like heights and I didn't like water. So as we walked across this track we held on to each other tighter and tighter. We made it across together. We came back a different way.
Thinking about all our adventures makes me smile. In fact, thinking of all the events in my life that can be thought of as an adventure, I smile. An adventure to me is something that teaches me something about myself, or the world.
I am thankful for Elizabeth. She has been many different people to me. When we worked together we often thought of each other as "office spouse" because we looked out for each other better than any partner ever did. She is younger than me but not really enough for me to be her mother and not young enough to be my daughter. She has been ther for me through many difficult times.
We have had a lot of fun together. I smile when I think of the adventures we have had.
I am thankful for Christina and Mayra.
I am thankful that I lost the ability to walk and that I have regained that ability.
Christina and Mayra are two wonderful young ladies who are going to be nurses and have taken care of me since July 09 when I was released from the hospital.
I owe them so much. They gave me what I needed to keep going, to keep pushing myself and know that they wouldn't let me fail or fall. They have become part of my family and I have been graced to be part of theirs. I hope that in 2011 my daughter and my sister can meet my family in Tucson, Elizabeth, Mayra and Christina.
I am thankful for learning so many things the past two years about myself, life and love.
It seems funny to be 55 and feel like you are just getting started again.
I am listening to" Like A Rolling Stone" by Bob Dylan and the last line hit me as so true for me right. I am learning to be all on my own but with support of the most fantastic group of women you could ever imagine.
It paralells what I have endured physically. I am able to stand physically on my own and finally emotionally to stand on my own as well. But I am able to accept the support of those who care about me without feeling weak. Sometimes I can even ask for help.
I am thankful for all the healthcare professionals who have treated me and cared for me these past two years. Doctors who took a chance and operated on me when they weren't even sure if I would survive the infection in my body, and who fixed my back so I could heal. I am thankful for all the nurses, techs and physical/ocuptational therapists that got me out of bed and into a wheelchair. And then got me home and healing.
I am even thankful for those who didn't think I would walk and told me because I love nothing more than a challenge. One of my life rules is that success is the best revenge and while this wasn't revenge I did want to prove them wrong. Fortunately, I had many more people telling me I would walk again.
I am thankful for growing up in New England and knowing the magic of city life. I am thankful for learning early that the mountains and deserts were magic as well. I have found my home in a little City with no skyscrapers but with a beautiful and magical desert surrounded by mountains. Tucson is my city. When I arrived in Tucson the song playing on the radio was "Funkytown". I am very much into the music of my life and that song let me know that this was the right place for me.
I want to thank Davena. One of the first women I met here who have helped me change my life. She has moved and is in Oregon now but I still feel as close to her as if she were right. She helped me get in touch the spiritual self that I lost as teenager. I learned you can be spiritual without being religious and that believing in yourself is believing in Divine Love that lives in each of us.
I am thankful for being born when I was. I was born in 1955 and that was the year Allan Freed coined the term "Rock and Roll". I don't know what I would have done with the music of those early years. The music made me happy, it made me feel understood and sometimes it made me cry. It did what I needed. It kept me from feeling alone.
This will sound silly to some people but I am thankful for being the right age to have really enjoyed the disco era. I absolutely love to dance. Dancing has always been a form of therapy for me. A world I could be in feeling free, strong and happy. I have said along that I would dance again and this is New Years Eve and while I am going to be home I plan on dancing a little in the living room!
Good day for now. I may be back before tomorrow.

12/23/10

Is it just the season that makes most people a bit bluer and the end of another year and start of a new one. All the things we have to be grateful for and all the things we miss, all the things left to do. I guess being a thinker at this season is not the best thing to do. However, being limited in my mobility, finances and ability to get around I have a lot of time to think. I have been trying to get “in touch” with my feelings. I have not been good at it ever. I stay calm, logical and focused on whatever is at hand. It may seem to some that I get emotional but I have held my feelings in for a very long time and sometimes something will slip in get me emotional and since it is just certain people with who I share my feelings. Those few should feel good about it because it means I trust them and I don’t trust many people.

I want to share some very good feelings I had yesterday. My boyfriend came over for awhile and took me out to eat. We got back and just sat on the couch. I didn’t turn the TV on or music. We just sat holding each other. I had forgotten I could feel so safe, so secure. And of course, being the thinker that I am I try to analyze it. Though I did keep trying to just stay with the feeling. It was romantic, comfortable, safe. By just sitting and holding and not even talking I felt more safe then I have since I was a teenager with my high school sweetheart. I felt safe with him. He had been my boyfriend through most of high school and he helped me so much in dealing with my mother. We got engaged and planned an untraditional wedding after we were in college a couple of years. After high school I had a place of my own and he still lived with his parents. I worked in a hospital kitchen and became friends with one of the cooks as we were close in age. Peter, Mark and his fiancé, Audrey became pretty good friends. We hung out together and Audrey and I got to be really good friends or so I thought. Mark found that Peter and Audrey had been messing around. I think I was the one who took it the hardest. I would have bet my life that Peter would never do that to me. When I had no one to trust, I always had him. Until this. Mark didn’t like but seemed able to just brush it off. I broke up our engagement. Mark and Audrey stayed engaged. Mark and I stayed friends and still worked together. We discussed what happened a lot. He felt engaged wasn’t like being married. But that wasn’t how I felt. He and I got close and a bit physical. It didn’t effect their relationship and because of what happened I was not able to maintain a friendship with her. Peter seemed a bit obsessed with my comings and goings. My social life was suffering and since I went to school full time, worked one job full time and another part time my social life already limited. So to get my life back I agreed to marry him. I was still so hurt and angry. Oddly enough, once we were married he stopped hounding me and we pretty much had separate lives. And because I was so hurt and angry I fully intended to go out whoever I wanted whenever I wanted. And that’s what I did for a year. But since we had been best friends after a year of this in your face behavior I knew I was hurting both of us and that we would be better off divorced. I did it since there were no children and he had just moved into my place. All we had to split up were LP’s.

We continued being friends and even did some double dating. If we had stayed married this past June would have been 35 years. And I have no real idea how got from feeling safe and secure last night to my tale of marriage #1. I guess that after feeling that way with Peter before what happened with Audrey, last night was truly the first time in over 35 years that I had that feeling. Sometimes it scares me to feel that way which is why I have not let myself feel it in decades. Last night was simple yet so meaningful. I treasure last night, I treasure that feeling and I hope I feel it again. I believe I have evolved emotionally enough to be open to warm loving feelings if I can’t the rest of my life will be even lonelier than the first half.

12/21/10

I'll tell you internal review is very difficult. I thought I had all my emotions sorted and catergorized in neat little piles. I don't and I don't like what I feel. I don't want to have the feelings or needs that I have. I want what I can't have, I want what I can live and have lived without. But I don't want it to be that way. I realize this may sound confusing but its real. I know I have a few loyal readers and its just those wonderful dear people that I don't want to know what I want and what I feel. I'm strong, I'm tough and having felt like this before I know it will pass and it will be nicely stuffed again.

How do you know who you will be

I’ve been thinking a lot about why my font won’t cooperate!!!!!!

No, really I’ve been thinking about what not only makes us who we are but how we end up on the life path we travel. I suppose these thoughts are not so unusual for the coming of a new year. I look back at so much of my life and see a strong determined crusader and if I look at myself through a different kaleidoscope I see something very different. I tried my whole life to do things differently than my mother thinking I could make a better life for my family. I’d say I succeeded professionally. I don’t really have any regrets related to work or school. I am pretty sure I did poorly with male relationships. I guess I didn’t know what to look for anymore than I knew what kind of mother to be. My father left before I was born and I don’t ever recall living with him. My brother was 9 years older and as a little girl I thought he was wonderful. When he turned 18 he joined the Navy and I saw him once after that until our mother died and it had been over 25 years. But he found me then. I am finally beginning to realize that as far as relationships I don’t think I am worthwhile at all. Don’t feel bad that I know this now because all my life I was in denial about that and I got a way with it for the most part because I was always busy with work, school, being the kind of mom I had wanted. And those things kept me fulfilled. Now with the disability I don’t have so many place to put myself. I am walking so much better than I expected. I have wonderful friends, a nice little adopted family and a wonderful family and friends in TN. So this Winter Solstice should be one of my best, and in many ways it is. In trying so hard to be good at things and be independent to protect my heart I think I may have done it an injustice. One of my goals has been to allow myself to feel my emotions. That is something I never let myself do. No matter what hold back the tears, suck up the pain, the disappointment the hurts. I hope I can start the new years with all the bad feelings out. And a new bestseller!

Merry Christmas

Dec. 17th was the first annual Brooks-Mart family holiday gathering. Our two adopted daughters Mayra and Christine shared, pizza, veggies and cheesecakes. Pictures were taken and smiles and laughter were in abundance.

21 day consciousness cleanse

I finished the 21 day consciousness cleanse in less than 21 days. By the time I got to the section for future I did that week in a day. One thing I learned is that I am not as patient as I could be but its ok and I have actually lived my life and thoughts thoughts encouraged in this book. There were aparts in it that seemed to have come straight from my head. This is not a new experience for me. For as long as I can remember I would read a book usually a text book or a book that I just found interesting and what I read were thoughts or beliefs or behaviors I already had. I know the universe is full synchronicity but now that I know what all those things were--guardian angels, intuitive insights, a feeling of wanting to better just to be role model for change and goodness. It all makes sense now. My whole life the good and the not so good. I think I had a hard lesson to learn. I am responsible for me and I have to take care of and part of that is knowing when to ask for help and that it is ok to ask for help and ok to slow down. I think the biggest whack on the head and soul I got was getting sick and almost dying and being paralyzed. I made it through that by strength and courage but also by saying what I needed and relying on others when I had no choice but to do that. It was a very humbling feeling and sometimes scary. But as with everything else in my life there were lessons to be learned and I think I have learned some of them but I sure of one thing there will always be more lessons in this life and different lessons in our next life. Anyway, its a good book and while it didn't tell me or have me experience anything I hadn't already known or done it was good to see that according to one authors point of view I have been on the right track.

Finished with present now off to the future

I have finished the section on the present in the 21 day cleanse. It seemed to faster than the past. Again I found that I had pretty much already done it wanted us to day. I don't know if it is just me because I am so introspective or if it hit anyone else like this. I am looking forward to the future section and hope I don't already know it. But ya know I have a feeling I will. PT is going very well except to day my back hurt, my knee hurt, I had a headache and a crick in my neck so Marlene did Cranio-sacral on me and I felt much better when I left. My guy friend picked me up and to me out to eat seafood but he would tell me where we were going. It was fun. We ended up at the Desert Diamond casino. We went to the buffett and ate a ton of seafood. There was really good old music playing in the background. And he was so nice and attentive. Then when we had done all the damage we could do there we played the slots a little while. We both only are willing to lose $20. So he lost his quickly but I made the one he gave me last a little longer. It was a perfect night and that makes me glad I understand and am laid back. Every relationship has its own special flavor. I am happy with this one.

Something else

I believe I forgot to update whoever reads this that my absent friend came back and wanted to talk. He says he wants to see me because of me--not for money (this good I have none), food (also good my idea of fixing dinner is nuking something), or sex (not good that's really the only thing I do myself) but just because I'm important to him. But doesn't want to be in a committed relationship. Ok, I don't either but I have yet to find out what he means by not committed. A no strings attached one probably but does this mean I can have other non-committed relationships at the same time. I'm not sure because at one point we did say we wouldn't see anyone else. So do I ask or do I assume non-committed means I can do whatever I want with whom ever I want. I know he has female friends but he's never said anything to make me think there was anything going on so do I ask the question or not, not about him but about me. If he says he isn't seeing anyone and doesn't expect me too I'm screwed. If I don't ask and assume non-committed also means non-monogamous then I can do what I want. Ugh, wanting and trying to be honest about everything in one's life can be quite perplexing. So I welcome comments from anyone who reads my blog. What does "non-committed relationship" really mean?

Crappy Saturday

I am on day 11, it takes us into the present. And today agent of change is acceptance of myself past, present and future. So while I am spending the day going over the serenity prayer and seeing what in my life goes into which column I find the only thing I can't change is my gender but even that is not for sure except I definitely wouldn't want to be a guy. Things I can change--just about everything I can change if I really want to. And inspite of the fact that I really love my life and me just as it is right now I shouldn't be listening to vh1cl one hit wonders. One of those old songs touched a nerve and made feel and think about someone from so very long ago. It is making me feel the longing I have always felt for this man. It was so long ago. I was 19 and he was 34. Fifteen years difference is a big one. He will be 70 in Oct. I haven't seen him since 1980
though through the remaining years we kept in touch writing and talking on the phone. We always hoped we'd see each other again. We never have and I think its just letting go of the belief that we will ever see each other that has me so emotional. I really never doubted that we would be together one last time to say good bye. I no longer believe that will be the case. I don't know how his health is and I am no longer in a position to go where he is. So I know it will never be and that makes me very sad. It also reminds me of another man I loved in my life. We were never in the same palce at the same time but again we stayed in touch until just a few years ago. It seems as far as my love life it was always better when they were in it if only with letters and calls. When they are out of my life I feel lost.

Day 9 of Consciousness cleanse

I'm on day 9 of the consciousness cleanse. I have missed a day or two but I am just picking up where I left off when that happens. So I am now on the present. I found that the ritual ending the past was something I had a hard time wanting to do. You are supposed to let go of the past bad, negative thoughts, beliefs, actions, traumas etc. But I found myself resisting it because I know that what happened in my past good or bad is what has made me what I am in the present. I like who am now and I am grateful for my past with all its problems and disappointments. I think that what is intended on day 8 is something I already have. I am no longer pained by anything that happened in my past or anything I did in my past, or anyone else did. I am at peace with my past and as I said I am alos grateful. I like that feeling. It is not something I want to throw away as suggested in the book. So I am going to do what my intuition directs me to do and that is to keep my past as I continue to learn lessons from it that are benefiting me in the here and now. I am listening to a Carly simon CD and the song "I have got time for the pain" is playing and that pretty much sums up how I feel about my past. And the person she sings about that has made her feel that way is not another for person for me. It is me. I can't adequately describe how very good it feels to NOT be in a relationship and to be living alone. I am so content to have my friends and family. After all these years I can really say I don't need a man-I idin't need a father, or a brother or a mate. I am perfectly fine all by myself. At least I get to live the 2nd half half of my life even more on my on my own terms than I did the 1st half of my life. I am finally accepting the Divine in me and that to quote the Desiderta, "I am a child of the universe" and the universe is the Divine in my eyes. We are all part of the Divine. I am happy.

Let Your Feelings Flow

I am day 6 I think of the consciousness cleanse. Its whichever day is surrender is. I am supposed to allow my feelings to flow through me regardless of whether they be good or bad. I think I had or have a problem with letting negative feelings, anger, disappointment, hurt.I noticed this over the weekend when someone behaved differently than I expected. My initial response was I'm what did I do wrong. But as the weekend progressed I found myself realizing that I never had allowed myself to make equal standards with other people. I wouldn't say I have been a doormat but I don't make my expectations clear either because I don't think anyone would even try to meet mine or that I'm not worth it. However, I am worth it and I realized this when I looked at the wedding ring set I bought for myself. Would I be ok with anyone else treating my daughter, any friend or my new wife (me) like that. Hell no. So hell no not with me either.
If I have an opportunity to see this person again I am going to thank them for their past behavior as it caused me along with the consciousness cleanse to see that you get what you expect. I never expect anything so when I don't get it I'm not surprised and not angry. I won't even try make anything different. I wasn't wrong and this person will no longer be in my life. Not because I'm angry or hurt but because I can do better. Even if I am alone I'm doing better because everyday I like myself more and more. This evening I had a new caregiver filling but the agency did not give her good directions and this is not new and not limited to this agency. It pisses me off. The house they go to the big one which EMPTY, come on people you can see it's empty look around find the small house with lights and people. I yelled at the after hours lady and it wasn't her fault so I did apologize and said I just really need to tell the agency although I have in the past. A few minutes after the aide got here the nurse Cindy showed up (never usually happens). She wanted to make sure everything was all right. I got the impression she was making sure the aide was alright. I never even raise my voice to anyone. The few times I talked to anyone it was in a harsh bitchy way. I am letting my feelings flow through me. I am also raising the bar higher for all things and relationships in my life. One's I already have and any new one's I may find along the way. Especially my new relationship with myself.

2000 An untimely death

One of my favorite poets and probably the poet who had the greatest impact on my style of poetry is Peter McWilliams. I had several of his small paperback poetry books and they were well worn. I went looking for them to share with a friend but couldn't find them. When I can't find a book I want but know I have I will give it a few days and if I can't find it, I buy it again. In this case, I learned alot from and about the author. He complied all his poetry books with his favorites in a hardcover book. I loved it. And in looking up his books I found he wrote many non-fiction books. I bought one, "Life 101 Everything We Wish We Had Learned About Life In School-But Didn't". It was 464 pages of the easiest to read, most interesting, witty and useful book I've read in a very long time and believe me I read a lot of books. I strongly recommend any of Peter McWilliams books. As a matter of fact, I just realized I should right a review for it on amazon where I get most of my books. And here I'll insert a plug for my book which can be purchased at lulu.com "Poems in the Key Of Life...a Journey".
I assure you it is a very good book of poetry. Anyway, back to Peter, I learned at the end of the book that he died in 2000. I feel a deep lose now knowing that he is gone. His poems helped me go through all the loves in my life. I can only hope that material I end up getting published has half the impact that his works have had on me. Please do yourself a favor either buy or get it from the library but read anything by Peter McWilliams. It will touch you.
Last night I failed to do day 5 of my consciousness cleanse but I am going to get back to it and to meditating. I am also going to finish a book a day (that I've already started) and edit one chapter or group of stories of my unpublished material. And as soon as I finish the Shamanism course I will start writing my dissertation. I am motivated again.

Back in the saddle

I was unable to write anything for a couple of days because my computer decided to act up but as quickly as it acted up it came back on its own???? Go figure I think computers are like teenagers you love them one minute and want to send them flying across the room the next (but of course we don't). Anyway, I am now on day 4 of my consciousness cleanse and not listening to music or watching tV is driving me crazy. I have reread everything I have from my novel. I have to type in to the computer now and alot of lost space to recreate. But what is so strange about this book of mine is that so much of it has mirrored my real life not exactly but closely enough for me to see that I write. What I want and expect for myself when written will evetually come true. My character was in a coma and had to have rehab. I wrote that more 10 years ago. It amkes me want to pick it up and finish this book and start a sequel.

The 21 day consciousness cleanse

The 21 day consciousness cleanse is a book by Debbie Ford a former drug addict who has found a process to help people reach their highest level of consciousness and their soul's purpose. As part of the process she recommends journaling. In so much as my blog is a commentary on my life I will share this process with you in my blog instead of a journal. At day one, I am to look for my souls desires. I am also to come up with prayers, quotes and things that I want to say daily to be of encouragement. I will use Don't Quit, Desidarta, and my Reiki prayer. And use these and pictures that forster those feelings and ideals into creating a vision map. Desire is the flame within us that can either fortify us or make us feel lost. The Morning Practice: Igniting ypur spiritual flame.
What is the condition of my spiritual flame right now-gently burning
1-10 where is it-5, where do you want it to be at end of day-7
What is your intention for the day-write and read in any project I am working on.
The feeling I want from this intention is accomplishment.
I will have to keep the TV and music off and spend a minimal amout of time on the computer to make the intention a reality.
What mantra would be healing and help me manifest my intention: Writing and reading are healing activities for me.
How many times will I need to say this mantra 24
This my process for day one which obviously starting in the evening so it will from tonight to tomorrow night. I will share what I learn about myself using this process and I will continue to share other parts of my journey as before. Today I believe I over did it with walking with walker as my back is more painful then usual. And two nights ago I had a strange dream. At first I lived in the streets and tunnels underground in NY and I was a junkie. Then it went directly to my working in a big company but being at a wedding of a very very fat woman to a good looking guy. I tried to talk her out of marrying him but I couldn't and it gave me a migraine and my head exploded. This woke me up and when I woke I did have a migraine. The second in two days.
I noted something odd when I was thinking about novel. There is a point in the story where Lola is in a car accident and goes into a coma as a result of that. She does regain consciousness but it at least a year and she needed to relearn how to do many things including walking. It is strange that write years and in a way it seems I wrote it inot my life. Just something to think about.

"You May Be Right" by Billy Joel

First off I've always been a huge Billy Joel fan. If you have been reading my latest entries then you know I have been feeling nostalgic for Rhode Island. I am reading "Life 101" by Peter McWilliams and what does that have to do with where I'm going with this. Well Peter McWilliams was known to me as a poet that I read a lot of as a teenager. My style is very much like his so if you have my book and read any of his then you can see that clearly. I didn't know he had prose non-fiction but I couldn't find my old copies of his poetry so I went to amazon to buy them again. Well he took all of his poetry books and picked what he thought were the best and put them all in one book which of course I bought. And just out of curiosity I bought "Life 101". I am still reading it and it is awesome. I love it. It's like we have one brain that shares two heads that have never met. Talk about synchronicity. Ok, so all this reading of old poetry and his book and converstaions take me back to my youth, my years in RI. All of it the good and the bad. I find that the bad from those years really no longer bother me and the good from those years are memories that I cherish and that make me happy regardless of how they turned out in the end. I met my last ex-husband when we were both working at a private psychiatric hospital in Attleboro, MA right over the line to RI. I was married and he was living with someone and was married to someone else in TN and had a daughter with her (these things should have been such big red flags for me) but he was so handsome and charming and I was naivee. I was preparing to leave my 2nd husband and had only been married to him a year. My leaving and getting divorced had nothing to do with this guy. We really were just friends. He moved back to Tennessee to divorce his wife. We wrote to each other as this was before e-mail so it was pen and paper. He wrote lovely letters and poems. I kind of wish I still had them. We were married for 17 years and together longer. When I would think of him it would be of the many years when I was hurt by his unfaithfullness. But today I heard "You may Be Right" by Billy Joel which was one of his favorite songs and for the first time in decades I thought of him and smiled. I felt genuine happy nostagia about him and our relationship before we moved to TN. And on that note, I am going to stop while I still have that smile on. But it may be the beginning of truly forgiving and forgetting. God I hope so its been long enough and I'm sick of the pain and I would much rather think of my youth with him and be able to smile about it. More later.

You never know

Well, you just never know now do ya? My guy friend that I hadn't heard from and thought he was either dead or I was dumped. He came by this evening, expecting me to tell him to get out. But of course, that's not what I did. That is not what I ever do. I let him in and asked how he was. He explained how sick he had been and that his phone ended up in the toilet. And that he had sent me messages. None of which I checked because I don't do that. I believe. Maybe that's stupid but that's how I am. He does not have my heart. He did not really hurt me, he just worried me. Is this one of those times I'm too nice? I don't know. I get something positive from my friendship with this guy. He's my age and we have a lot in common. He hugs like no one I've ever known and he's almost always so thoughtful. When he showed up he thought I would kick him out. I not only didn't kick him out but was understanding, glad he was alive and believed that he tried to contact me but that I didn't get it. True or not true does it matter? I like having him around. If nothing else he can be a friend with benefits. You keep your heart to yourself but you physically share and enjoy and you also stay friends so you look out for each other.
I have had my best relationships as friends with benefits. So anybody reading this please give me your opinion. Am I way off base or am I dealing with this appropriately?????

Time alone

I have learned so much about myself, life, and perceptions since I have had time alone. For one thing, time alone does not mean being lonely. I have not been lonely when I have been alone. But I have been lonely when I was with others and we had no connection be that a lover, a friend or a family member. And we will never have the connection we want with everybody and we may never feel connected to anyone. Unbelievably so, it is most important that you have and nurture the connection with yourself. I believe this is the connection that gets neglected which cause many physical, emotional and mental problems.
I have also realized that having grown up with no good male role models and a poor female role model I learned early that I needed to take care of myself because I could not depend on anyone else. So my mother was a "helpless", "ill", mother but she was there. I had an abusive step father and 4 other stepfathers that left so little impression that I cannot even remember their names. So where do you look for role models, who do you want to be like? For me, I excelled at school so I was rewarded for good work, for following the rules, for being a good girl and for being smart. So I am an eternal student always wanting to learn through school programs, pleasure reading and learning from the life I live. I also saw that men had control, power, respect so I tried to approach things like a man would. Again this approach was productive for me in my career and in being a student, and it was how I was in relationships. Do I wish I had been different-no way. If I had not chosen the path I chose then I would not be who I am now and I really like her. She's not perfect and never will be but she is open, honest, kind and loving when there were times in her life that she wished she was not all of these things. Now I accept me though I will never stop learning, growing, changing. Life really is an adventure.

Neglectful

I feel like I have neglectful of my blog. I didn't mean to be. Doing the blog has been so helpful to me. I am back in physical therapy and doing very well. I am able use a walker to walk some. I have home exercises to do daily but I do them twice a day. I fugure if once is good then twice is better. I continue to learn about myself. I realized in writing an e-mail to a friend that one of the things I miss and believe I can never get me is the me I was when I lived in RI. I was born there and didn't leave until I was 27. I didn't leave it because I didn't like it there anymore I left it because I followed a certain path and it took me elsewhere and when I left I believe I left at least a part of me there. I have never stopped missing it. I have no family there so it is truly the place and all the memories associated with it some good some bad but it was home. And now I don't have that part of me anymore and I have a new place that feels like home to me. I wish I could get whatever little or big part of me that is gone back. I was given to coffee table books for Christmas one year of RI.
I had been where each of the different pictures showed. Looking at those books is probably the last I really sobbed. It felt like a heart ache to see and miss my home.
On to another topic, the man I was dating has drifted away (that sounds more poetic). We celebrated my birthday and that is the last I've seen or heard from him. We (Mayra and I) were prepared to celebrate his birthday which is 13 days after mine. We were so worried about him that we called where he works not to disturb him but to know he was alright. He had gone 5 days once withno contact and had a wound on his arm he said he'd done at work but it looked someone how was trying to slash his wrist. He apologized and explained it had just been a black week. So when I didn't hear from him I was much more worried than mad because I didn't think he would the type to just completely out off contact even if he wanted to stop seeing me I think he would have the balls to tell me. Anyway, he was at work so I can stop picturing lying on the floor dead. I'm glad he is ok and I'm really not even mad that he didn't have the balls to give me whatever reason it was to not come back. If comes back he can be sure it will be only as a friend and this just confirms my original theory that I am allergic to men. Fortunately, I had not become attached emotionally to him so I feel no heartache or loss. I just kind of feel sorry for him.

Said I'd be back

Right now I listening to cassette tapes that I made using my old 45's. Just another way to preserve musical history and an opportunity for me to play DJ. My aid just returned with a new charger for my phone. Yeah. I have been reading my favorite poet Peter McWilliams. He had the biggest effect on my style of poetry. I am also reading Life 101 also by Pter McWilliams. Time for a shower.