A remembered insight

I have thought a lot about the too nice thing and I remembered something that I believe resulted in my inability to express negative emotions. When I was 12 or younger I had two fights with boys my age who were picking on little girls on the walk to and from school. One boys mother came out to yell at me but I just told her she needed to teach her son manners and to treat girls and kids younger then him appropriately and not pick on them. She hemmed and hawed. I'm sure I embarassed her because he never bothered anyone again that I saw, either that or he was scared of me LOL. But that was not the defining moment. When I was 16 my mother made the most lethal of her many suicide attempts. I stayed at the hospital until they told me she would make it and they told me to go home and get some rest. I had spent the night in the waiting room in ICU crying and having a million things going through my head. And I was heartbroken. So when they said she was ok I had a friend pick me up and take me home so I could catch a nap and change clothes. When I got back one of female drinking buddies was there and had told her that I had not been there until now and that I had just stayed home. My mother believed her and while I could have had the hospital staff tell her the truth it didn't matter anymore. She couldn't have hurt me any more and I just wanted to build my walls up so no one could hurt me again. Well, that same woman later on wanted to come in to see my mother at home. My mother was sleeping and I wouldn't let her in. She got angry slapped me and called me a slut (which I wasn't) and all I remember is seeing RED. I truly lost it. All I remember is my boyfriend and a police officer pulling me off her. I apparently beat the crap out of her. She wanted to press charges but I had witnesses who saw her slap me and since I was a minor she couldn't do anything but I could have. But I didn't. I just enjoyed seeing the blood on her face where I guess I made the most contact. I never got angry again. Partly because I wanted to be dignified and not let anyone see how they affected me and partly because I was afraid of what I might do. If I lost it like that as an adult there would be consequences and I just didn't want to lose control again. So I guess that is why even in situations where I had a right to be angry I couldn't let myself. I wonder if I can change that now decades later and I wonder if it would be healthier for me if I could express those feelings in an appropriate manner???? HHHHMMMM.