Is it just the season that makes most people a bit bluer and the end of another year and start of a new one. All the things we have to be grateful for and all the things we miss, all the things left to do. I guess being a thinker at this season is not the best thing to do. However, being limited in my mobility, finances and ability to get around I have a lot of time to think. I have been trying to get “in touch” with my feelings. I have not been good at it ever. I stay calm, logical and focused on whatever is at hand. It may seem to some that I get emotional but I have held my feelings in for a very long time and sometimes something will slip in get me emotional and since it is just certain people with who I share my feelings. Those few should feel good about it because it means I trust them and I don’t trust many people.
I want to share some very good feelings I had yesterday. My boyfriend came over for awhile and took me out to eat. We got back and just sat on the couch. I didn’t turn the TV on or music. We just sat holding each other. I had forgotten I could feel so safe, so secure. And of course, being the thinker that I am I try to analyze it. Though I did keep trying to just stay with the feeling. It was romantic, comfortable, safe. By just sitting and holding and not even talking I felt more safe then I have since I was a teenager with my high school sweetheart. I felt safe with him. He had been my boyfriend through most of high school and he helped me so much in dealing with my mother. We got engaged and planned an untraditional wedding after we were in college a couple of years. After high school I had a place of my own and he still lived with his parents. I worked in a hospital kitchen and became friends with one of the cooks as we were close in age. Peter, Mark and his fiancé, Audrey became pretty good friends. We hung out together and Audrey and I got to be really good friends or so I thought. Mark found that Peter and Audrey had been messing around. I think I was the one who took it the hardest. I would have bet my life that Peter would never do that to me. When I had no one to trust, I always had him. Until this. Mark didn’t like but seemed able to just brush it off. I broke up our engagement. Mark and Audrey stayed engaged. Mark and I stayed friends and still worked together. We discussed what happened a lot. He felt engaged wasn’t like being married. But that wasn’t how I felt. He and I got close and a bit physical. It didn’t effect their relationship and because of what happened I was not able to maintain a friendship with her. Peter seemed a bit obsessed with my comings and goings. My social life was suffering and since I went to school full time, worked one job full time and another part time my social life already limited. So to get my life back I agreed to marry him. I was still so hurt and angry. Oddly enough, once we were married he stopped hounding me and we pretty much had separate lives. And because I was so hurt and angry I fully intended to go out whoever I wanted whenever I wanted. And that’s what I did for a year. But since we had been best friends after a year of this in your face behavior I knew I was hurting both of us and that we would be better off divorced. I did it since there were no children and he had just moved into my place. All we had to split up were LP’s.
We continued being friends and even did some double dating. If we had stayed married this past June would have been 35 years. And I have no real idea how got from feeling safe and secure last night to my tale of marriage #1. I guess that after feeling that way with Peter before what happened with Audrey, last night was truly the first time in over 35 years that I had that feeling. Sometimes it scares me to feel that way which is why I have not let myself feel it in decades. Last night was simple yet so meaningful. I treasure last night, I treasure that feeling and I hope I feel it again. I believe I have evolved emotionally enough to be open to warm loving feelings if I can’t the rest of my life will be even lonelier than the first half.
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