How do you know who you will be

I’ve been thinking a lot about why my font won’t cooperate!!!!!!

No, really I’ve been thinking about what not only makes us who we are but how we end up on the life path we travel. I suppose these thoughts are not so unusual for the coming of a new year. I look back at so much of my life and see a strong determined crusader and if I look at myself through a different kaleidoscope I see something very different. I tried my whole life to do things differently than my mother thinking I could make a better life for my family. I’d say I succeeded professionally. I don’t really have any regrets related to work or school. I am pretty sure I did poorly with male relationships. I guess I didn’t know what to look for anymore than I knew what kind of mother to be. My father left before I was born and I don’t ever recall living with him. My brother was 9 years older and as a little girl I thought he was wonderful. When he turned 18 he joined the Navy and I saw him once after that until our mother died and it had been over 25 years. But he found me then. I am finally beginning to realize that as far as relationships I don’t think I am worthwhile at all. Don’t feel bad that I know this now because all my life I was in denial about that and I got a way with it for the most part because I was always busy with work, school, being the kind of mom I had wanted. And those things kept me fulfilled. Now with the disability I don’t have so many place to put myself. I am walking so much better than I expected. I have wonderful friends, a nice little adopted family and a wonderful family and friends in TN. So this Winter Solstice should be one of my best, and in many ways it is. In trying so hard to be good at things and be independent to protect my heart I think I may have done it an injustice. One of my goals has been to allow myself to feel my emotions. That is something I never let myself do. No matter what hold back the tears, suck up the pain, the disappointment the hurts. I hope I can start the new years with all the bad feelings out. And a new bestseller!