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Sunday, August 29, 2010

The 21 day consciousness cleanse

The 21 day consciousness cleanse is a book by Debbie Ford a former drug addict who has found a process to help people reach their highest level of consciousness and their soul's purpose. As part of the process she recommends journaling. In so much as my blog is a commentary on my life I will share this process with you in my blog instead of a journal. At day one, I am to look for my souls desires. I am also to come up with prayers, quotes and things that I want to say daily to be of encouragement. I will use Don't Quit, Desidarta, and my Reiki prayer. And use these and pictures that forster those feelings and ideals into creating a vision map. Desire is the flame within us that can either fortify us or make us feel lost. The Morning Practice: Igniting ypur spiritual flame.
What is the condition of my spiritual flame right now-gently burning
1-10 where is it-5, where do you want it to be at end of day-7
What is your intention for the day-write and read in any project I am working on.
The feeling I want from this intention is accomplishment.
I will have to keep the TV and music off and spend a minimal amout of time on the computer to make the intention a reality.
What mantra would be healing and help me manifest my intention: Writing and reading are healing activities for me.
How many times will I need to say this mantra 24
This my process for day one which obviously starting in the evening so it will from tonight to tomorrow night. I will share what I learn about myself using this process and I will continue to share other parts of my journey as before. Today I believe I over did it with walking with walker as my back is more painful then usual. And two nights ago I had a strange dream. At first I lived in the streets and tunnels underground in NY and I was a junkie. Then it went directly to my working in a big company but being at a wedding of a very very fat woman to a good looking guy. I tried to talk her out of marrying him but I couldn't and it gave me a migraine and my head exploded. This woke me up and when I woke I did have a migraine. The second in two days.
I noted something odd when I was thinking about novel. There is a point in the story where Lola is in a car accident and goes into a coma as a result of that. She does regain consciousness but it at least a year and she needed to relearn how to do many things including walking. It is strange that write years and in a way it seems I wrote it inot my life. Just something to think about.

Friday, August 27, 2010

"You May Be Right" by Billy Joel

First off I've always been a huge Billy Joel fan. If you have been reading my latest entries then you know I have been feeling nostalgic for Rhode Island. I am reading "Life 101" by Peter McWilliams and what does that have to do with where I'm going with this. Well Peter McWilliams was known to me as a poet that I read a lot of as a teenager. My style is very much like his so if you have my book and read any of his then you can see that clearly. I didn't know he had prose non-fiction but I couldn't find my old copies of his poetry so I went to amazon to buy them again. Well he took all of his poetry books and picked what he thought were the best and put them all in one book which of course I bought. And just out of curiosity I bought "Life 101". I am still reading it and it is awesome. I love it. It's like we have one brain that shares two heads that have never met. Talk about synchronicity. Ok, so all this reading of old poetry and his book and converstaions take me back to my youth, my years in RI. All of it the good and the bad. I find that the bad from those years really no longer bother me and the good from those years are memories that I cherish and that make me happy regardless of how they turned out in the end. I met my last ex-husband when we were both working at a private psychiatric hospital in Attleboro, MA right over the line to RI. I was married and he was living with someone and was married to someone else in TN and had a daughter with her (these things should have been such big red flags for me) but he was so handsome and charming and I was naivee. I was preparing to leave my 2nd husband and had only been married to him a year. My leaving and getting divorced had nothing to do with this guy. We really were just friends. He moved back to Tennessee to divorce his wife. We wrote to each other as this was before e-mail so it was pen and paper. He wrote lovely letters and poems. I kind of wish I still had them. We were married for 17 years and together longer. When I would think of him it would be of the many years when I was hurt by his unfaithfullness. But today I heard "You may Be Right" by Billy Joel which was one of his favorite songs and for the first time in decades I thought of him and smiled. I felt genuine happy nostagia about him and our relationship before we moved to TN. And on that note, I am going to stop while I still have that smile on. But it may be the beginning of truly forgiving and forgetting. God I hope so its been long enough and I'm sick of the pain and I would much rather think of my youth with him and be able to smile about it. More later.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

You never know

Well, you just never know now do ya? My guy friend that I hadn't heard from and thought he was either dead or I was dumped. He came by this evening, expecting me to tell him to get out. But of course, that's not what I did. That is not what I ever do. I let him in and asked how he was. He explained how sick he had been and that his phone ended up in the toilet. And that he had sent me messages. None of which I checked because I don't do that. I believe. Maybe that's stupid but that's how I am. He does not have my heart. He did not really hurt me, he just worried me. Is this one of those times I'm too nice? I don't know. I get something positive from my friendship with this guy. He's my age and we have a lot in common. He hugs like no one I've ever known and he's almost always so thoughtful. When he showed up he thought I would kick him out. I not only didn't kick him out but was understanding, glad he was alive and believed that he tried to contact me but that I didn't get it. True or not true does it matter? I like having him around. If nothing else he can be a friend with benefits. You keep your heart to yourself but you physically share and enjoy and you also stay friends so you look out for each other.
I have had my best relationships as friends with benefits. So anybody reading this please give me your opinion. Am I way off base or am I dealing with this appropriately?????

Time alone

I have learned so much about myself, life, and perceptions since I have had time alone. For one thing, time alone does not mean being lonely. I have not been lonely when I have been alone. But I have been lonely when I was with others and we had no connection be that a lover, a friend or a family member. And we will never have the connection we want with everybody and we may never feel connected to anyone. Unbelievably so, it is most important that you have and nurture the connection with yourself. I believe this is the connection that gets neglected which cause many physical, emotional and mental problems.
I have also realized that having grown up with no good male role models and a poor female role model I learned early that I needed to take care of myself because I could not depend on anyone else. So my mother was a "helpless", "ill", mother but she was there. I had an abusive step father and 4 other stepfathers that left so little impression that I cannot even remember their names. So where do you look for role models, who do you want to be like? For me, I excelled at school so I was rewarded for good work, for following the rules, for being a good girl and for being smart. So I am an eternal student always wanting to learn through school programs, pleasure reading and learning from the life I live. I also saw that men had control, power, respect so I tried to approach things like a man would. Again this approach was productive for me in my career and in being a student, and it was how I was in relationships. Do I wish I had been different-no way. If I had not chosen the path I chose then I would not be who I am now and I really like her. She's not perfect and never will be but she is open, honest, kind and loving when there were times in her life that she wished she was not all of these things. Now I accept me though I will never stop learning, growing, changing. Life really is an adventure.

Neglectful

I feel like I have neglectful of my blog. I didn't mean to be. Doing the blog has been so helpful to me. I am back in physical therapy and doing very well. I am able use a walker to walk some. I have home exercises to do daily but I do them twice a day. I fugure if once is good then twice is better. I continue to learn about myself. I realized in writing an e-mail to a friend that one of the things I miss and believe I can never get me is the me I was when I lived in RI. I was born there and didn't leave until I was 27. I didn't leave it because I didn't like it there anymore I left it because I followed a certain path and it took me elsewhere and when I left I believe I left at least a part of me there. I have never stopped missing it. I have no family there so it is truly the place and all the memories associated with it some good some bad but it was home. And now I don't have that part of me anymore and I have a new place that feels like home to me. I wish I could get whatever little or big part of me that is gone back. I was given to coffee table books for Christmas one year of RI.
I had been where each of the different pictures showed. Looking at those books is probably the last I really sobbed. It felt like a heart ache to see and miss my home.
On to another topic, the man I was dating has drifted away (that sounds more poetic). We celebrated my birthday and that is the last I've seen or heard from him. We (Mayra and I) were prepared to celebrate his birthday which is 13 days after mine. We were so worried about him that we called where he works not to disturb him but to know he was alright. He had gone 5 days once withno contact and had a wound on his arm he said he'd done at work but it looked someone how was trying to slash his wrist. He apologized and explained it had just been a black week. So when I didn't hear from him I was much more worried than mad because I didn't think he would the type to just completely out off contact even if he wanted to stop seeing me I think he would have the balls to tell me. Anyway, he was at work so I can stop picturing lying on the floor dead. I'm glad he is ok and I'm really not even mad that he didn't have the balls to give me whatever reason it was to not come back. If comes back he can be sure it will be only as a friend and this just confirms my original theory that I am allergic to men. Fortunately, I had not become attached emotionally to him so I feel no heartache or loss. I just kind of feel sorry for him.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Said I'd be back

Right now I listening to cassette tapes that I made using my old 45's. Just another way to preserve musical history and an opportunity for me to play DJ. My aid just returned with a new charger for my phone. Yeah. I have been reading my favorite poet Peter McWilliams. He had the biggest effect on my style of poetry. I am also reading Life 101 also by Pter McWilliams. Time for a shower.

Sorry for the absense

I have been very busy. Now that I PT back I have a bit less time than before. And I've so many things pop into my head that I wanted to share but well you know my memory. I got great news. My lawyer Diane Lalosh is my hero. She got the case dismissed. What a relief. August has been a good month. My birthday, PT starting again and the case being dismissed. I got a tool kit from Elizabeth a real one!!! She always knows what I want. I am doing so much better already and I only have had two days of PT. A friend of mine gave me one with the 4 wheels and a seat. But my therapist says thats too high tech for now and gave me one from rehab to take home and practice on. Mayra's been gone since Thursday and I miss her. Christina is back and it looks like I'll get her on Sundays. That makes me happy to. I promise I'll be back with more today oh and my cell phone battery charger died so I have to get a new one.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

What's next

I'm back. I've been doing what many people do at certain ages. I just turned 55 and I looked back over my years to see what I've accomplished both career wise and family wise. I've done pretty well in my career. I went from a therapist to a vice president in a behavioral health agency and then private practice. After all of that I could see all the wholes in the mental health system. I moved to Tucson, my own Funky Town, where I found the faith I'd lost years ago. Not religion but spirituality. I became a Reiki Master Teacher. I learned all I could about intuition. And completed a distance learning program in parapsychic science in which I will get a Ph.d ( I started writing it just before I got sick) I am now ready to do my dissertation. And then I have started another Ph.d in holistic health. I have contacted publishers to get my 3 books out there. So career wise I am pleased. On the personal life arena, not so good. I've had 3 failed marriages. The first two were only a year a piece and the last one I was married for over 17 years and had a daughter from that union. The more I think about my past life the more I know he was the only true love I had. After I divorced him (he was a cheater), I had 3 long term relationships. The first one was the best. He was what any woman would love to have. Perfect in everyway except he wanted to get married and I didn't. I was too scared. I had been too hurt to do that again. So we parted friends. The 2nd long term relationship was with someone whose intellect attracted me. He was very smart, a writer and 14 years younger than than me. We stayed together for 7 years. His libido was at 0 and mine was at +10 so after awhile I just couldn't take it any more. I never cheated on him. The 3rd long term relationship was for 4 years and as best friends we were fine but he had ED and being old fashioned if he couldn't do THAT he wouldn't do anything else. Again I never cheated at some point I realized I needed and deserved more than that. So now I am focusing on my writing and school courses and am dating a very nice guy. I am however ready to deal with it if something goes awry in this dating relationship. I have married myself. I know that sounds strange but I bought a wedding set cheap and I wear it on my left hand to remind me that I can take care of myself and I don't need a man to make me fulfilled. So far so good. Gosh don't you just love introspection! More later.

Birthday

It was my birthday on Tuesday. I turned 55. I had a wonderful Tues and Wednesday celebrating with friends. So today I've been just plain tired. I have much to say that I have reflected on this past week so look for a good post tomorrow or Saturday.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Who knows?

When I started to write I thought well how was your day and I honestly am not sure. It wasn't bad so I guess it was good but it didn't feel quite good either. So if someone has the answer for me let me know.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Some stand up comedy

I have always wanted to do a stand up comedy rountine. My material-my life. You certainly couldn't do anything but laugh at things I've done and been through. And I am feeling funny so since I won't be shattered not hearing you laugh I will attempt to be funny. Yesterday I was soooo productive today I couldn't wake up. I woke up too early and couldn't go back to sleep until 11 when I slept till after 1 and was still not awake. Mayra, my great caregiver, got me turned on to watching Sex in the City. i used to watch it here and there but never really followed it. Those were the women who used to be the Golden Girls. I've even identified who is who. Samantha has to be Blanche, Miranda is Dorothy, Charlotte is Rose and Carrie gets to be Sophia but it fits because Carrie is the one liner and full of witty retorts. Now I think of my life and if I had thought writing that show. My show would be called "Sex in the Cities", I moved alot. There is alot to be said for both Sex in the City and The Golden Girls. We seem to spend soooo much time thinking about relationships, getting into them, out of them, about the sex, no matter what our age or our relationship status. It is always a topic of conversation among friends and even more details with close friends. I, for one, have finally (I believe) shaken off the whole realtionship thing. I am sure I am allergic to men and that all relationships are jinxed. I used to think it was just marriage that was jinxed but after 3 long term relationships in the past 14 years I must say it applies to all romantic relationships. Now that's not to say I shouldn't have a friend or two at some point that I like to call friends with benefits. I've had those before and they have always worked out great. And on that note I will fix dinner...... I'm getting hungry.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Hump day

I had my sleep study done last night. It was the second one so they could tell how much 0-2 I need. I slept ok but I woke up with this heart shaped scar like thing on my forehead where some of the mask was I guess. That was the only thing that hurt. He is supposed to have what I need mailed to me I sure hope I don't end up with a permanent heart on my head! I am tired but not sleepy. I just finished reading lesson 6 of my on-line seminary course-Shamanism. So far it's about shamans from Siberia and China. I didn't know they had them so I guess I'm learning something new. I want to finish this course before I hit the dissertation again because I have already found information in the course that is relevant to my paper. But in reading this course it has also made me motivated to work on the Aromatherapy course while waiting to start the paper. I can work on two projects at once. I finished one of three of the aromatherapy books. So I can type at least one test and send it in. I really want to make use of my time in a valuable way. And even though I have not accomplished what I think I should have (one should never use the word should, it only serves to make us feel bad), yep it made me feel bad. I have spent alot of this time being introspective. I believe I have gained valuable insights that I would not have noticed had I not allowed myself time to just "be" without doing anything. As a woman (yes I'm being sexist but it's true), we multi-task our lives away. Even right now I bet if you are a woman reading this you are also doing something else-the laundry, cooking, watching the kids, or something else. Very rarely did I ever take the time to just "be". I would read, write, watch TV, listen to music, do house work, laundry, anything to keep from being still. Even this past year of being out of the hospital and not able to work I have found it difficult to be still. I read, study, write (like starting this blog), edit other things I've written, look for publishers, almost anything to avoid that stillness that we all need. I make an effort to do Reiki on myself in the morning before I get up for the day and at night I try to go to bed early enough to meditate and then do Reiki as I drift off to sleep. If I haven't said what Reiki is before let me briefly tell you about it. It is an ancient Japanese healing art. It means "universal life force energy". I am a Reiki Master Teacher. I used to do energy healing in my private practice and I taught Reiki. So I have used it on myself in the hospital and I continue to for help in repairing my body and my spirit. I believe that the positive energy of family and friends and my belief in Reiki has allowed me to not only survive, and heal but also has allowed me to gain insights, to learn from my experiences and not be angry or too depressed (I'm human and I've had my depressed times) but I know that without the faith I regained in Tucson I could not have endured this and come out of it better than I was before. At least I hope I'm better for the experience!

Monday, August 2, 2010

MUSIC

I have been listening some old home made CD's with favorite songs from the 50's,60's and 70's. I realized that if I could only save one thing from my home if it were burning it would be my music not pictures like many people. While I listened to this music this morning I noticed I had my eyes closed and I realized it was because with my eyes closed I could see the memories associated with the song. My life is my music. I am not a singer and I can't an instrument or read music but music has been interwoven in my life like nothing else has. I know all the words to all the songs I like and I love to dance. That has been part of what has helped me keep my nerves in my legs getting better-music. I would listen to K.C. and the Sunshine band while I was in the hospital and I couldn't move my legs at all. But when I listened to the music I could feel my muscles moving. And now I am so close to walking and I can feel the music through my whole body right to my toes. I know I will dance again. I love my music.

A remembered insight

I have thought a lot about the too nice thing and I remembered something that I believe resulted in my inability to express negative emotions. When I was 12 or younger I had two fights with boys my age who were picking on little girls on the walk to and from school. One boys mother came out to yell at me but I just told her she needed to teach her son manners and to treat girls and kids younger then him appropriately and not pick on them. She hemmed and hawed. I'm sure I embarassed her because he never bothered anyone again that I saw, either that or he was scared of me LOL. But that was not the defining moment. When I was 16 my mother made the most lethal of her many suicide attempts. I stayed at the hospital until they told me she would make it and they told me to go home and get some rest. I had spent the night in the waiting room in ICU crying and having a million things going through my head. And I was heartbroken. So when they said she was ok I had a friend pick me up and take me home so I could catch a nap and change clothes. When I got back one of female drinking buddies was there and had told her that I had not been there until now and that I had just stayed home. My mother believed her and while I could have had the hospital staff tell her the truth it didn't matter anymore. She couldn't have hurt me any more and I just wanted to build my walls up so no one could hurt me again. Well, that same woman later on wanted to come in to see my mother at home. My mother was sleeping and I wouldn't let her in. She got angry slapped me and called me a slut (which I wasn't) and all I remember is seeing RED. I truly lost it. All I remember is my boyfriend and a police officer pulling me off her. I apparently beat the crap out of her. She wanted to press charges but I had witnesses who saw her slap me and since I was a minor she couldn't do anything but I could have. But I didn't. I just enjoyed seeing the blood on her face where I guess I made the most contact. I never got angry again. Partly because I wanted to be dignified and not let anyone see how they affected me and partly because I was afraid of what I might do. If I lost it like that as an adult there would be consequences and I just didn't want to lose control again. So I guess that is why even in situations where I had a right to be angry I couldn't let myself. I wonder if I can change that now decades later and I wonder if it would be healthier for me if I could express those feelings in an appropriate manner???? HHHHMMMM.