June 30, 2010

I'm waiting for my ride to TMC to have a bronciascopy (sp) done to look at a "little" nodule on my lung. But like any procedure there is always miniscule chance something can go wrong so of course I think I'll be that .99 percent person. I thought about writing letters to those family members and friends who I want to say some last words to but then time got away from me because of reading the insert on my new Stevie Nicks CD and I just heard my ride pull up. If there is another entry you'll know I made it if not I didn't!

Happy Monday

Hey there. I was eating breakfast and listening to CMT top 20, there are a few songs I like. They were talking about the concert to aid Nashville flood victims. I lived in middle TN for over 25 years and the area that appeared to be most affected was the high rent district where many of the country stars live. Having a concert that would benefit these people would really bother me. So not wanting to jump to conclusions I googled the flood and who was most affected. Well it turns out that a population referred to as "tent city", homeless people who live near the Cumberland river in tents were part of the group of people most affected. In listening to the various artists talking about the flood and who lost equip and someone lost a signed guitar that was given to him by his idol. No one has ever mentioned the poor and homeless affected. I would really want to know where the money from this concert is going. I really would hate to see it go to the entertainers who were affected and I'm sure had insurance on their equipment or property. Just something to think about.

Later on Sunday

I took a nap after the X-Files and slept peacefully to early Rolling Stones. I was to a visit from a new and very dear friend who has filled a void that I have had for a very long time. There is a certain connection that happens with another person it is rare and it is a valuable gift. A person that when you think about you smile, someone who can make you really laugh. I could go on and I probably will later. Right now I am just enjoying the moment, the inner peace I feel. As a writer, the feelings and the thoughts are churning and there will be more. My back is hurting a little more than usual but I took my meds a little later than usual. Tomorrow I see the lung Dr. I think I am anxious because I don't know if it will be bad news or no news and both options are not good. There is something wrong with my lung but whether it is a minor or major problem I just want to know. But right now I don't want to think about that I just want to soak up the good feelings I have right now.

She lived through Fright Night

I made it through the night. I was greeted with a good morning and Mayra brought me some neat girl things for my bathroom. Thank you Mayra! And as I went through the guide to what if anything good was on today I found an X- File marathon. I LOVE that show!!!! So I thank the programmer on station 199. I'll be absent for awhile I will be enjoying one of my favorite shows of all time.

Saturday Night

It's Saturday Fright night at my place. Picture a woman in a wheelchair stuck in her bathroom with a scorpion in the bathtub. This woman is excessively afraid of bugs since being unable to move away or grab something easily to kill it. Yet some how she finds the wits to grab her trusty can of hair spray and spray it even as it tries to get away. She manages to lean over the tub and swish the hair sprayed item of her fear with a bottle of conditioner. Now as she retells it in the third person her hands shaking on the keyboard, the feeling of itchiness and the fear of turning any lights out. She has already put a candle lighter and the can of hair spray on her bed. The only person she could call on is her upstairs neighbor but since its Saturday night it is unlikely he would respond. It definitely took her mind of her previous thoughts. I'll let you know if she makes it through the night.

Ah, the weekend

Every askes "So what are you gonna do for the weekend". In my current situation, its almost like everyday is the weekend. The days I have medical appt's are busier but they are basically the same. I read, I write, I have contact with family and friends by phone or on-line. I see my wonderful health care aide Mayra, who I don't know what I would do without. Its like you know you would continue but it just wouldn't be so much fun. It is so intensely different going from working everyday of my life for 37 years since I was 16 to being home everyday because I can't work. I never dreamed anything like that would happen to me. I never pictured myself retiring even and now I can't picture myself working. Its like the bag of bones that never stopped has just fallen apart. I get exhausted even when I do nothing. I'm ashamed to admit it but its true and I have to make some sense of this. I have to look at myself honestly in everyway. Its not easy but I have to do it. I don't know that I will always feel this way. If I have learned anything from this experience its that we survive and we change. I have survived so very many different things in my life and until my illness I didn't really change, I'd think I did but I would fall into the same old patterns. Work, don't let yourself be human and never really be alone. I've had 3 husbands, 3 long term serious relationships and more brief encounters than I can remember. I always had someone on deck so to speak even if just as a friend that I knew if I wanted I could pull in to be more. I don't want to do that this time. It helps that I am alone and have little opportunity to meet anyone. I let my last guy know that I wasn't going back to him. It looks like we will be able to maintain a friendship. I hope that it stays that way. I met someone on line, in a strange way. I signed up for a variety of on-line dating services really just to gather information (yes, I am still writing books), so I saw people's profiles but was never able to communicate without giving credit card info which would only be charged if you used it for a certain period of time. Anyway, I attempted to respond even though it should not have worked, it did. So I met someone new. And as tomorrow we will have been seeing each other for 3 weeks. Odd to count weeks isn't it. It seems like we are being open and honest with each other and that makes it the first relationship where I have been me right from the start. It is also the first one in which I am also honest with myself. I have no expections. He is someone I really really like. I miss him when he's not around but I guess I am holding my heart back and keeping it out of things. I have never really done that before. I am tired of being brokenhearted. I have been brokenhearted I guess all my life starting with my family of origin to my last long term relationship. I put everything into it and it never ends good. I want this relationship to be good no matter where it goes or doesn't go. I've been going through my old LP's and 45's and I realized how much of my music was about pain and learning how not to feel. The greatest musicians of my youth was Simon and Garfunkel. They touched other emotions but "Sound of Silence" and "I am a Rock" were the anthems of my youth. I played the album, Parsely, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme", over and over and over. I know all the words to almost every song on every album. I believe I have every album they did together and solo. I read old journals and old poetry that I wrote and the newer ones and the feeling never changes. I have always felt so empty, alone and hurt. And I always wanted to be alone. Now I am but for the first time mostly due to forces beyond my control I am alone with me. It feels strange but not bad. I think I may have finally found what I was always looking for-me. I am facing things differently. Sometimes I feel happy and sometimes I let myself sob. A mental health professional might say I have mood swings (I used to be a mental health professional). Now I would just say I'm living life and that isn't a sign of illness it is a sign of wellness. There is nothing to fear about being who we really are. At least not today. Tomorrow or even later today I may feel differently but you know what that's ok. That's normal.

Finally Friday

I skipped writing one day so now I'm not sure if it was yesterday or the day before but either way I took my first bath since being sick!!!! Of course my home health aide, Mayra had to help me but oh it was so nice. Some kind of lavender beads took me away-sorry calgon! It's little things like that we take for granted and then when you can't do it boy those little things mean a lot. It's been an emotional week for me but I'm still here and feeling pretty positive about my life. I am trying to be me all the time. And honest if possible without hurting anyone but if necessary I think I am prepared to be honest anyway. I have a support system that encourages me to be me and are accepting of who I am. You know being yourself can be the hardest thing there is to do. Some people may think I'm joking but most women, I can't speak for men, are always trying to please some else. Maybe your family, your children, your husbands/partners, your employer, your friends but when do you really please yourself. Pleasing yourself is not selfish. You have more to give and a better quality you to offer. I have almost always bought my own jewelry well this time I bought a cheap cubic zirconion wedding set. I wear it on my right hand for two reasons. First I feel like a widow because every marriage or long term relationship is dead and even though I did the leaving there is loss and grief. I never allowed myself to even think that let alone feel the grief. The second reason is to remind myself that I must first be married to myself before I can be a special person to someone else. I have to acknowledge what I have done for years and that is look out for myself, watch my back. No one every did that for me though I did it for them until the love was dead. So now I don't look or expect anyone else to do it for me. As a matter of fact I am trying so very hard not expect anything from anyone because when you do thats when you get hurt. Its not anyone's fault but your own, my own. I don't blame anyone not even myself. I'm human I can't always do what it is I want to do or be how I want to be.
Had a wonderful dinner out and so comfortable. Hope very much that this lasts. Funny what you find when you're not looking.

Wednesday

Can anyone spell confused? I'm listening to Tom Petty anthology and getting flooded by various emotions. Some good and strong and some lonely and weak. When you put them all in a pot and stir what you get or at least what I get is confused. Stay, go, sick, well, loved, not loved, . Sometimes I wish their was some who could just tell me what the right thing is to do but the only person that can do that is me. I guess I've given myself a deadline of the end of June after I find out what's going on with my lung. If I don't have too long to worry about things I guess I won't worry at all. Yes Tom "The Waiting is the Hardest Part"

The day is improving, I think

I am having a better morning. I felt bad yesterday with flu like symptoms though my guess would be its whatever is affecting my right lung. On the legal front, my lawyer called and said my trial date is July 29th. Hopefully, it will go well. I'll try not to worry until July 28th. I had a nice visit with a friend. Its always nice to see my friends. I also got a phone call from a friend in TN and it was nice to hear from her too. Other than that I have been reading the course work on Shamanism as one of my seminary courses. Later in the day I watched some Beauty and the Beast episodes. Watching it makes my heart feel good. Who needs men!

Sunday and Monday

Yesterday and today to quote Fox Muldy "Trust no one." That should say it all.

Saturday sleep over

Today I am scheduled for a sleep study ordered by my pulmonoligist for I don't know why. But I'll do it anyway. I've been up since 8 and just piddling around. Now after I write some I'll work on my seminary course on Shamanism. I have five more courses to complete the seminary program. I had an unexpected call from a friend that put me in a good mood. After I work on the seminary course I'll work on my Aromatherapy course for my Ph.d program in Holistic Health. I also recalled that the Shamanism course will help me with the dissertation for the 1st Ph.d in parapsychic science. I have completed that program except for the dissertation. I had begun it just before my illness hit and since then my brain just isn't working like it used to. But I am still working on everything I can. I think my choice of seminary course will help me with the dissertation. I've been talking to my previous partner and I did tell him I wouldn't be living with him. I love him but the relationship is not what I want. I need affection and to feel wanted. It is not enough just know I am loved. I would rather live alone than to live in a relationship where I feel hurt all the time. "Love love, love thee not the man" very good advice at least for me.

Still tonight

Well I'm still watching SATC, they are talking about not having sex for 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months and until very recently: 8 years yes if you know me this is bizarre. Awful and bizarre. I can't believe it had been sooooo long. I can't stand not being the me I used to be.

Yesterday

Yesterday went rather well. I got to meet with my lawyer. She seems just perfect to help me out. I have a feeling that if she can't do it no one can/ She intilled trust in me. And Mayra felt the same way. The rest of the day I just ried to shake off the anxiety. I don't have to go to court Monday, she will go and let me know how it goes. Mayra's been great. I don't mind being alone at all but it is nice to have someone around that helps me and cares. I'm not just a job to her. My long dry spell ended and again I am feeling more and more like myself.
Today I have a CT scan on my lung and in the afternoon I see Peter. So for me this is a busy day. That's it so far, oh I did finish my "Goddess Aloud" book. It was excellent and I'm going to try and get Mayra to read it too.
Here I sit at 9:31 pm. I am watching/listening to Sex and the City season 1 disc 2. I have had some good news today. My dear friend/daughter in Tucson has gotten accepted to the U of A nursing school. I am so happy for her and me because she'll be in town. I received a copy of my 2nd opinion from the rehab Dr. He is recommending PT, yeah! He recommends it twice a week for 8 weeks. And he feels I will need braces and that the best I can hope for is walking in the house. To me it means dancing in the house. I may have to postpone my trip home. But I know my family will understand since they want me to be as well as I can. I am also missing someone. I don't think he reads this but to protect the innocent, he will remain nameless. And as I miss him I can't help thinking about the line from the movie Dangerous Beauty: "Love love, love not thee the man". I guess that's just part of my fear from all my past lives. I am going to pay attention to Sex and the City for some reason it makes me feel better.

Moods

I had a day of many moods. Good, confident, sad, longing, jaded, used, and content. I spent part of the day with a dear friend and we watched the movie Dangerous Beauty. It was very good. It's probably available on Netflix. As I always do during movies, I keep a pen and paper nearby in case there is something worth remembering. Today I heard two that made the cut. The first is "Love love, love not the man" and the second is "He's a client like all of the others, love him and you lose." As you can probably tell this is when I was feeling jaded. Right now I'm mixture of an independent, contented and jaded woman. But as long as I can write about my feelings and my experiences and can read about those of others than I can keep just a little slice of the romantic floating around in my heart.
Good night

Later on Tuesday

The evening was difficult. I know I always end up expecting things when I shouldn't. Will I ever learn. I have frequently felt like running away. I can't do it now. But by lord if I get to walk again I'm gone. I will go where no one will find me and I will keep all my secrets to my self. I am alone here but I reach out when I shouldn't. That is no ne's fault but mine. I swear if I ever get my legs back i am not looking back not for anything or anyone, family, friend, enemy if I have any. I truly want to be alone since I know with out a doubt that what I wish were isn't and it will never be. I'm alone. I will always be alone and truly that's how it should be at least for me. But don't anyone worry about me at least not yet. Good night

Tuesday time to think

Yesterday set a new tone for me. It completely and quickly reminded how I feel the best, how I accomplish the most. I felt the heavy chains unlocked from around my heart and soul. I feel free and I feel like me. Sometimes it takes an uncommon friend to to let you see what was there all along your freedom and your creativity. I found an old deck of tarot cards and as I shuffled them today four fell out. When that happens it means those are the one's you are meant to get and read. They fit so perfectly with how I feel today that I will share them with you.
29-This charming woman with bouquet in hand, As with the gentleman her cards will command. The fortunes revealed once the cards have been placed, Unveil the concealed that destiny has traced.
5-One tree from earth is best to see. It springs from birth good health for thee. And if the tree should reappear Close to the Key your goal is near.
13- Friends adore you, children even more. Many new friendships are shortly in store. Consorts are many, enemies are few;Kindliness aplenty emanates from you.
12-The birds mean grief but remain in good cheer, Woes will be brief when the birds disappear. If this card is found far distant from you, A voyage is bound to loom into view.
Yesterday I was reading the Goddess Aloud book and though this ritual was not in it it felt right for me at the time. I have no goddess statutes which is what I would have used but I do have a Goddess Oracle Deck.
I closed my record player so I would have a flat surface. I selected my blue chakra candle as lately I have been very hoarse and have almost lost my voice. To me this is obvious, I am not speaking or maybe not even allowing myself to hear my truth. I shuffled the Goddess deck and again four cards fell out. I decided to put the candle in the center and a card in each corner. I put my tamborine in the back to symbolize my ability to make music. A small smooth deep pink rock to symbolize my heart and my crystal, wood and ruby magic wand to indicate that I can make my own magic happen. I lit the candle and read the cards aloud: Brigit-"Don't back down" " Stand up for what you believe is right", Athena- Inner Wisdom-"You know what to do. Trust your inner wisdom, and take appropriate action without delay". Aeracura-Blossoming "You are just getting started, so have patience with yourself and the process, and do not give up". Ishtar-Bopundaries "Love yourself enough to say no to others demands on your time energy". I don't know if in reading these different cards you see the total message there for me but I do and I will honor the guidance I have been given.

I found me

Today I found the me I lost or misplaced a long time ago. I am really happy about that. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has wondered where they're true self went after years of trying to fit into society's roles. Well, I don't have to do that naymore and I will hold on to the real me for dear life. I was told a very long time ago by someone who knew me better then I knew myself what my calling was. I didn't listen. I kept trying to be what I thought I was supposed to be. Not anymore. I doubt seriously if I can be me in TN but I will try. I owe that to my family. I was sort of myself there for awhile but it was always overshadowed by anger. I have no more anger and maybe I can be that me there. We shall see. I am not your typical anything and I want to be where I can be myself and be the most good to others. I know my purpose in this life is two-fold. Both equally important. We will just have to wait and see. Yes I know I'm vague but that is necessary as my actions affect more than me. I am cognizant of the impact things have on others, including my family.

Happy Saturday later in the day

It is 6:41 on the same day. It's been an unusually painful day but fortunately I have medication that takes care of that. My only problem is I wait too long to take it. I finished a book, "The Great Shift co-creating a New World for 2012 and Beyond". This is the 3rd book I've read about the expected changes in our world at 2012. All three books, approach the topic the same way, a positive manner. I am now reading "Goddess's Aloud". It is a book that looks at different Goddess's and help you to get in touch with each one within yourself. It is a very uplifting book.

Happy Saturday

Happy Saturday, it's after midnight. I had a nice evening watching a movie and eating popcorn and getting to know a friend better. I'll tell you right now things were so different when I was in my 20's. I think I've gotten old fashioned in my old age. Things eemed so much simplier than. I never was concerned if I was doing something right or wrong. Now for some strange reason I want to do it right. I know that's better but in many ways it sucks. And it's not just the behavior I could pull that off but I'd be thinking all the time that I'd done something wrong. Now I understand why Carrie (SITC) pours such angst in her column. Getting older and wiser is not all it's cracked up to be unless you're Samantha.
I used to be Samantha but not any more. Ok there has to be some things better about being cautious and tentative. Shit I can't think of anything. The head and the heart and the romantic in me really need to sit down and have a good talk because none of them want the same thing. And I guess what is so sad about it all is when I was young inspite of hurts I had hopes but now I'm scared to death to hope. I am so jaded. I don't know if that will ever go away. I'd like it to leave but I just don't know what it would take to make that happen. Of course, right I'm listening to the Eagles old stuff that always makes me sad. I guess all I can do is keep plugging away and kept looking out for my heart as it can not travel in dangerous waters anymore.

What a difference a day makes

Today has been a busy day for me. Not killing my computer took a great deal of that time! When I finish this entry I will post it right away just so it doesn't disappear like yesterdays. I swear this computer is frigid. It keeps freezing up on me!!!! I even have warm hands. Anyway, my friend came to visit on her day off. We had lunch and watched the Full Monty. We both have seen it many times but it is sooooo funny. I have yet however to meet a man who likes it. Go figure. I received some very warm and encouraging e-mails from friends I lost for a while when I lost my memory. After getting out of the hospital I totally lost my password and the answer to my security question. There was no way I could find to contact Microsoft. And my new pulmonlogist has me doing a sleep study which has nothing to do with my lungs. He is also referring me to a neurologist as he suspects I'm having parital seizures. Hey that would be a good excuse for my bad memory! I have started a "cause" on facebook: equal rights. Check it out. I just started it so I don't have a lot done yet. That is one of my most passionate causes. I believe women and men should be treated equally. We have come a long way. Though there is so much further to go. I am troubled when I hear young women saying they feel like they have all the rights they need. I'm sure they don't realize many of the rights they have were hard won and can be lost easily. Women still do not receive equal pay for equal work. There is still a glass ceiling. There are still double standards for men and women. These things are not only deterimental to women but also to men. I am appalled at the treatment of women in other countries. I used to be a very active activist for many causes. I was a NOW chapter president in Biloxi MS. We used to have to keep people at the women's health clinic 24/7 just to keep it from being bombed and escort women into the clinic. Many of those women were there for services other than abortions. The people who do those things are not pro-life. Abortion is a woman's decision. I am not pro - abortion I am pro-choice. I used to write letters to the editor, do get the vote out events, teach women's self defense classes, volunteer and then later work at a Rape Crisis Center. I also belonged to the Freedom From Religion Foundation. I believe strongly in separation of church and state. I was raised catholic and laughingly refer to myself as a "recovering catholic". I spent a great deal of my life being a card carrying atheist. It always amazed how atheists or freethinkers never knocked on doors to try and change someone to their point of view. In many places, being an atheist was almost worse then being gay/lesbian. When I moved to Tucson my lack of faith changed in a way. I still don't believe in a "religion", I would probably be characterized as a spiritualist. I believe the world, the sky, the planets, the universe is godly and as part of that universe we are part of the godliness of the universe. I used to believe the only thing I could trust was me. I believe we create our realities but that as we all are part of the universe and carry a piece of this universal life force energy we can change the world as long as we do our best to carry love, compassion and forgiveness in our hearts and minds. I am a minister in the Universal Life Church. I became a minister for a number of different reasons, one being this is not a traditional ministery and I agree with all of the tenets. Tolerance being one of the most important and doing no harm. I wanted to be able to marry any of my gay friends. I haven't had the fortune to do that yet but I can legally marry people. I am also a Reiki Master Teacher. It is an ancient Japanese healing art. I will talk more about that in the future. My mentor is a wonderful woman who also taught goddess workshops as well as Reiki. None of us are perfect. I know because I want to kill my computer many times a day though I must say it works better for me when I do Reiki energy healing on it. But as a human I still sometimes just want to beat the snot out of it! But in general, I am at peace more of the time then not. During my illness, time in the hospital and my continued paralysis I have never wondered "why me". I have always known and continue to believe I am going through this to learn lessons that are for this lifetime and if I learn them now what I need to learm in my next life will be different. Yes, I believe in reincarnation. There are many things I believe in now that 20 years ago I thought was a lot of crock. It was not my time to aware of the things I am aware of now. I feel my purpose in this lifetime is to be a role model and to try help people see the strength in themselves. I'm so glad I was able to get more written today. The computer Reiki energy healing must have helped! You really can send reiki energy to objects. Objects and people, we are all made of energy and vibrations so everything deserves the love in our hearts and on that note I will say good night and go cook dinner.
Namaste

Where did it go?

I wrote a lot earlier in the day and I guess I didn't save it. And I can't remember what I wrote?????? I guess its either age or the immunilogical disorder my pulmonologist thinks I have. In any case, last night was unusual and delightful. I was very sleepy today but it was worth it. And that's all I'm going to say on that. In general, it has been a good day with a couple of naps. I know i have a lot of things I want to say but to be quite honest I am too tired to think. So I will fill you in tomorrow. Good night my friends.

No one day is ever the same as the last

I learned that my perception and the perception of someone I love can be very much different. At first, I was hurt and disappointed. But we talked and while I am still disappointed I understand. The disappointment will go away. Now when I go home I will stay with my almost sister, I think that will be better for all of us. Eventually, I will be on my own there like I am here. Then I will have another decision to make. Leaving the desert will be hard for me. I love it here. And I've hated TN for as long as I can remember. I don't see that changing. I love the desert and I will miss it. This has been a memorable day for many reasons. I got things stright with the light of my life, Jennifer. I got things in place with my sister and I know I have somewhere to be that I will be happy. Lastly, I unexpectedly met a man that was decent, sweet, and warm. He made me feel things I'd forgotten. It was just a first meeting and there is no future expectations though I believe we will have something though I have no idea what it will be. I know it will be good and I can pretty much guarantee it will end up in my book. I will keep you updated on everything.

UGH

I just read my last post and saw all the errors I made. Note to self never hit post untilyou've editted it. Forgive my errors I was a tad emotional. Won't let that happen again at least not when I'm writing.

An utterly unexpected Saturday

Yesterday I felt like no one got me and today I feel I don't get anybody else. I am a firm believer that we make life just way too complicated. I am going home in October and no one at home has seen or known me wheelchair bound. I truly appreciate everything they are trying to do to make it easier for me. And yes people grew and changed in my absense, but we are not THAT different. I've changed some but so much so that I'll be different with people. I guess I was just surprised. The thought of being home makes me feel better not worse. I know I'm the one who left, I feel guitly about that sometimes but I can't regret it. I had lessons to learn that I would not have learned if I had not left. I trust the same is true for my family. Right now after having almost died and being in a wheelchair, I fought with everything I have to be strong and positive. And now I keep trying to suck it up so no one knows just how bad I really feel. Not that I will ever let anything keep me down. I won't, it's not in my nature. But being alone now, feelings I kept away for the sake of others have no reason to stay gone. And soemtimes whether I want them to or not they break through. Sometimes I feel like my heart is broken in to pieces. When that happens I just play Janis Joplin and Bonnie Tyler and I don't feel so alone or I read my onw book and recall when my life was really bad and realize that what I have now is what I always wanted. I always wanted to be alone. Time to think, to read, to listen to music, and to write. I am going to make make the most of this time and look forward with all my heart to adjusting to my family again after such a long absense. I know my life will be alright and I know I will walk again. I have not changed, I just show my feelings a bit more when I chose to and to whom I chose. And that is unexpected by us all.

Do you ever feel like no one "gets" you

Hello It's me- Todd Rudgen did that song but I like to open with that sometimes. I thought I would discuss the fact that there are many times people just don't get me. For example, while I was working (self-employed) I had no problem paying my credit cards. After I got sick and had no income the credit card companies wanted payment (absolutely to be expected). Some people close to me said I shouldn't pay. They would just write it off and my credit was already affected. I on the other hand felt a deep need to arrange a payment even if it was not what they wanted. At least it would show that I was trying and it would make me feel better about myself. And now with this court thing, almost everybody doesn't understand why I won't just take whatever they give me. I will continue to plead not guilty. I have read part of the suggested plea agreement and it is so wrong. #1. There was NO alcohol involved yet they have it required that I get an alcohol eval (duh), then I have to put an interlocking device on my car ( hello, I don't have a license, a car and I have not learned to drive with my hands since I'm in a wheelchair). That and other things I could barely read led me to believe this woman or man doesn't have a clue about me or what happened. When I talk about this with friends and loved ones they just don't understand why I just don't do what they require so it will be easier. Well, wrong or right, I am going to stand up for my principles. The only thing wrong with me was I was very sick. I am innocent until proven guilty. If proven guilty by a judge I will accept my consequences but not unitl I get to lay out my case and why I am not guilty. I already faced dying last year and the prospect of remaining in a chair with continued deterioration due to my spinal cord injury. So what else can they do to make anything any worse. Thanks for listening. It helped!

What is love?

Do you remember the 1987 TV show called "Beauty and the Beast" starring Linda Hamilton and Ron Perlman. It is not a cartoon but it captured what, in my eyes, is real love. If you have seen this show than you know what I mean. If you have not seen it, I strongly recommend you get it. It is available on Netflix. It is a wonderful and poignant story of two individuals who find each other and are part of each other though they can not be together. Love is something that can not be caged or clung to, for when it is, it dies. Love does have wings. I have had that kind of love. It is painful and yet without it there is only emptiness. I have no regrets though I miss the person that I love. I can still feel his warmth. I know what he would say to encourage me when I need it. It is romantic. It is the ultimate and purest love of all. When someone elses needs take precedence over your own. It is a bird flying and the full moon shining. It is what keeps us alive. I am so very grateful to you my love though decades have passed we have never been so close. I still feel what you feel and I know in my heart of hearts that you still can feel me. Please those of you reading this and those who have not seen the series I mentioned view it. Some of you may know what I describe without viewing it. It does have a way of reminding me of those feelings I still cherish and hopefully it can do that for you as well.

My Family

This is about my daughter the mind reader. If I haven't mentioned her yet but I think I have. She knows me like a book and knows just what to say and when. Thank you Jennifer your comment could not have come at a better time. My daughter and two handsome grandsons live in TN and I am working on getting myself back home to them hopefully by the end of the year. Lucas is six and Wyatt is two. Lando is my son-in-law. I will be staying with them and can you believe it, they are looking forward to it! I can't wait. My daughter wanted me to post newer pictures and I tried but if anyone read my earlier post then you I have computer issues. So I tried but who knows where they will end up. I could not be a luckier mother or grandmother and I just can not wait to get home.

A very strange day so far

I am obviously not very computer literate. It just took me an hour and a half to figure out how to post. I've done it before (like the past 3 days) but for some reason it flew out of my head. Anyway, I am very tired and sore. It must have been the barometeric pressure since I and several others I've talked to did not sleep well last night. There is supposedly no truth to the moon effecting our moods, bodies and sleep but I don't believe that. We are inextricably linked to the moon and her phases. The earth and her health is also part of each and everyone of us. And I think the earth didn't sleep well last night either. Have those of you from my generation noticed that there is an increase in global hostilities and personal angst over the years? It was a more peaceful life in the 50's, time goes by so much faster everyday. I recall the days when we didn't have cell phones clipped to our hips or stashed in a purse. When computers took up a whole room. I've never been a big fan of technology even though I attempt to use it. I liked writing letters to people on stationary using real pens or a very sharpened pencil. I liked reading books in a library where you could smell that indescribable smell of old books, row after row after row. I liked it when life was slower. It didn't stay that way long. I recall working full time, going to college full time, volunteering and still making time to have fun with my friends. I didn't sleep much but I was young and it didn't seem to bother me. And I had no student loans to pay off either. I remember my first apartment was $87 a month for a two room apartment with a murphy bed in the living room. Who reading this doesn't know what a murphy bed is? Ah. on that note, I will pick up a book and hopefully finish reading it today. One last thought, I read Tarot cards and have for over 25 years. I used an old forgotten deck today and got card 22 which has the picture of a tree lined road. It says "A road in the open reveals the best way to avoid chargrin and dispel dismay. If dark clouds surround and the road is dim, beware of the ground sinking from within." I know what this means to me but I wonder what it may mean to you?

Before bed

I spent the afternoon reading the 2012 book I mentioned in the earlier post. It's so hard to put down a book before I'm finished especially when I'm close to being done. It was "court day" and I haven't heard anything so I will call my lawyer tomorrow. I am not feeling very well tonight so my entry tonight will be short. I did take notes while reading because there were things I read I wanted to remember to share. So my friends I'm signing off for the night. But I'll be back with you tomorrow.

Later in the day

I'm back. Hope your morning was good. My aide Mayra was here and she always cheers me up even if I'm already in a good mood. What is with these alleries this year. I sneezed so much I thought my nose would fall off (yes that was a joke). I've been reading about 2012. I don't know if amyone has read about it and what you think. I think its fascinating. I don't believe it will be a sudden earth shattering episode but I do believe that over the course of the next few years it will be harder to live and more important than ever to be as honestly spiritual, loving and forgiving than ever before. The last 2 books I read I have loaned to friends and I don't recall the names but the one I am reading now is "The Great Shift"
Co-Creating a New World for 2012 and Beyond by Lee Carroll & Kryon, Tom Kenyon & the Hathors & Mary Magdalen, Patricia Cori & The High Council of Sirius Edited by Martine Vallee. It is quite interesting. I would highly encourage you to pick a couple of books that you feel drawn to on the subject and read them. Our Global Community needs us all to do what we can in our own small way. Well back to the book for awhile. I'm almost finished and when I get close to the end I can't put a book done. I'll tell you more about it when I'm done!

Happy June 1st

Well, wouldn't you just know the person to comment on my blog is the dearest man I've met. Jaime is a person I wouldn't have met if this hadn't happened to me. He's been funny, encouraging and a great support for me and I hope I've been able to do the same for you Jaime! We will both walk. You know anything is possible. I want you to have as much belief in yourself as you do in me. See now getting a friend like Jaime is one of the wonderful things that came out of my illness.
And now speaking of encouraging things, I LOVE music, of course, and that's why I love to dance. Not being a big fan of country when I did see it on CMT/GAC, I was fortunate enough to see Laura Bell Bundy. She has a couple of videos on there now. My favorite is Giddy On Up, Giddy On Out. It is the best video and the best song to hear if you are getting over a break up or have one that still sticks a knife in your heart. It's a funny "You Oughta know". Please if you're into music check out Laura Bell Bundy at laurabellbundy.com her videos are on the first page. When I get up in the morning I like going through my old LP's and listening to the music I grew up with. Currently, we are on the Beatles 1967-1970. Those years certainly had their up's and down's but I made it. Off to get my morning coffee. I'm not sure what blogs are "supposed" to be but mine will be a running commentary on my life, the lessons I've learned and the one's I'm still learning. I would love honest feedback or questions. If you think it stinks you don't need to tell me that like a TV station or radio you can just not log on to see what this weird person is writing about today. This is for me and for all the people out there that are trying to figure this crazy life out, which I won't be able to do if I don't get some coffee!
Ok my world is stable now I have my coffee. Even when I'm not near my computer or writing, I'm thinking about what I want to say. While getting my coffee I was thinking about what I hope this blog does besides help me stay sane. I want it to benefit those who chose to read it. I thought of the old adage "To thine own self be true". I've always believed it even if I didn't always live my life that way. I guess getting sick and not walking gave me a chance to really try and live that way. I've always been an honest person but not always with myself. Now I live everyday as though it's my last and I've become (I believe) as honest a human as one can be especially to myself. Never ever let anyone guilt you into being or doing anything you don't want. It will kill your spirit. It killed mine well maybe it was just in a coma and it's coming back to me now.
I won't be writing all the time. I have home health care aides that come in twice a day, 2 hours in the morning and 2 in the evening. They help me with house cleaning and taking care of anything I can't do myself. I have been blessed to have two of the most wonderful young women. One is no longer here. She moved to CA to be with her family for awhile. The other one, Mayra, I hope you don't mind my using your name. She is another gift from the universe. I have her most of the time. She just graduated from nursing school in May. She takes care me like my daughter would if she could. Jennifer, you would be very happy to see how she is with me. It would help you to not worry so much until I'm back home with you.
Today is a special day. I found a wonderful lawyer who was willing to take my case pro bono. What case you may asking yourself? Well, about 2-3 weeks before I ended up in the hospital ER, I had an accident. And being this ridiculously honest person that I am I told the officers I had taken my prescribed meds at around 2 am and this fender bender happened on my way to work around 8. Well, that's all they needed to hear. They sent me to get blood drawn. It wasn't the medication that had me distracted it was the pain. I felt as though someone was cutting me in half. I also didn't realize just how very sick I was. I was always one to just keep going no matter what. Anyway, they charged me with a DUI. I was and continue to be mortified by that. The origin lawyer got it dismissed because the results of the bloodwork never came back, without prejudice which means they can refile anytime within 7 years. About 6 weeks ago, I was served with papers for me to go an arrainment and today is supposed to be my pretrial sentencing. Thank God and the Universe that I found Diane, my new lawyer. She took care of the arrainment and learned that the prosecutors office was even unaware of the refiling. Anyway, she said "don't worry I'll be there and take care of it, you stay put". So I am curious about what will happen. I plead not guilty because I am not guilty. I just didn't know at the time that I had a staphalocus (sp)aurelis bacteria eating my spine and spinal cord until I lost the use of my legs. If I had taken more meds I probably wouldn't have been in quite as much pain and would have made it to work successfully! Anyway, I'll keep you informed. Again, I want to thank and send my love to my very dear friend, one who truly understands, Jaime for being the fisrt person to read and comment on my blog. We will walk together. We just both have to keep holding each other until that happens. I will be back. It's time for Mayra.

It's tomorrow

Well, it's officially tomorrow. And I can't stop thinking about things I want to share. I am listening to old music a playlist I created. I named it Romance but I don't know why because all the songs are sad. Maybe my love life has been sad. I moved to Tucson in 2003, I think. I had to get out of dodge so to speak. I was very unhappy in rural TN. My daughter, grandsons and friends are there although it's not home for me. I'm from Rhode Island. Is anyone else from there? Anyway, my guy at the time was an intelligent and eventually sucessful writer. It, as most of my relationships, didn't work. I no longer ever blame anyone. After all the loves in my life I have decided that I must be allergic to men and relationships, romantic ones anyway. I love the desert but now I'm ill and need the support of family and friends so I will be returning to TN. Will I stay forever, I don't know. I have a sense of wanderlust in me. I have a lot of making up to do especially to my wonderful daughter and grandsons. She has always been my best friend and strongest supporter of whatever I wanted to do. She is truly incredible. I don't know how I got so lucky. That is my gorgeous daughter and I during a visit to Tucson and this is the picture on the back cover my published book of poetry. I will be tomorrow of more of whats happening and life in general.