"Out with Old and In with the New"

We tend to be creatures of habit so as many of us do at the end of one year and the beginning of a new one I want say what I am thankful for and what I hope for.
I am thankful for being born into the family of origin I had. I believe that we choose what family to be born into who will help us learn the lessons we are supposed to learn in this lifetime. Yes, I believe in karma and reincarnation. I believe we are born with all the skills we need to learn the lessons we are sent to learn. The difference we make with our free will is to make the most positive choices we can in our life. I believe that is why it looks like some people make "it" whatever "it" is to you and why some people don't.
I am thankful for all the people who touched my life these past 55 years. Some people just touched me briefly and others have always been with me.
I am thankful for Jennifer my wonderful, strong, intelligent and beautiful daughter.
I am thankful for my two adorable young grandsons and I hope to see them turn into kind, happy, and healthy young men.
I am thankful for all the strong and compassionate women who I have had the privilege to know. I am thankful for those who are actively in my life now.
I am thankful for Lisa my oldest friend. She is always the same no matter how long its been since we talked and she is the person who can make cry the easiest.
I am thankful for Rena. She is the sister is wasn't born with but the one who is closer to me than any sibling could be. She has been there for me in thick and thin. She has looked out for me and helped me through some of my darkest times. We have also had a helluva lot of fun together. Looking back we never doubted our ourselves when we were together. At least that is how I remember it. One perfect example is one weekend camping we took a walk and for some unknown reason decided to walk across a train track of some kind over water. Knowing us we probably did it just to prove we could. Well, she didn't like heights and I didn't like water. So as we walked across this track we held on to each other tighter and tighter. We made it across together. We came back a different way.
Thinking about all our adventures makes me smile. In fact, thinking of all the events in my life that can be thought of as an adventure, I smile. An adventure to me is something that teaches me something about myself, or the world.
I am thankful for Elizabeth. She has been many different people to me. When we worked together we often thought of each other as "office spouse" because we looked out for each other better than any partner ever did. She is younger than me but not really enough for me to be her mother and not young enough to be my daughter. She has been ther for me through many difficult times.
We have had a lot of fun together. I smile when I think of the adventures we have had.
I am thankful for Christina and Mayra.
I am thankful that I lost the ability to walk and that I have regained that ability.
Christina and Mayra are two wonderful young ladies who are going to be nurses and have taken care of me since July 09 when I was released from the hospital.
I owe them so much. They gave me what I needed to keep going, to keep pushing myself and know that they wouldn't let me fail or fall. They have become part of my family and I have been graced to be part of theirs. I hope that in 2011 my daughter and my sister can meet my family in Tucson, Elizabeth, Mayra and Christina.
I am thankful for learning so many things the past two years about myself, life and love.
It seems funny to be 55 and feel like you are just getting started again.
I am listening to" Like A Rolling Stone" by Bob Dylan and the last line hit me as so true for me right. I am learning to be all on my own but with support of the most fantastic group of women you could ever imagine.
It paralells what I have endured physically. I am able to stand physically on my own and finally emotionally to stand on my own as well. But I am able to accept the support of those who care about me without feeling weak. Sometimes I can even ask for help.
I am thankful for all the healthcare professionals who have treated me and cared for me these past two years. Doctors who took a chance and operated on me when they weren't even sure if I would survive the infection in my body, and who fixed my back so I could heal. I am thankful for all the nurses, techs and physical/ocuptational therapists that got me out of bed and into a wheelchair. And then got me home and healing.
I am even thankful for those who didn't think I would walk and told me because I love nothing more than a challenge. One of my life rules is that success is the best revenge and while this wasn't revenge I did want to prove them wrong. Fortunately, I had many more people telling me I would walk again.
I am thankful for growing up in New England and knowing the magic of city life. I am thankful for learning early that the mountains and deserts were magic as well. I have found my home in a little City with no skyscrapers but with a beautiful and magical desert surrounded by mountains. Tucson is my city. When I arrived in Tucson the song playing on the radio was "Funkytown". I am very much into the music of my life and that song let me know that this was the right place for me.
I want to thank Davena. One of the first women I met here who have helped me change my life. She has moved and is in Oregon now but I still feel as close to her as if she were right. She helped me get in touch the spiritual self that I lost as teenager. I learned you can be spiritual without being religious and that believing in yourself is believing in Divine Love that lives in each of us.
I am thankful for being born when I was. I was born in 1955 and that was the year Allan Freed coined the term "Rock and Roll". I don't know what I would have done with the music of those early years. The music made me happy, it made me feel understood and sometimes it made me cry. It did what I needed. It kept me from feeling alone.
This will sound silly to some people but I am thankful for being the right age to have really enjoyed the disco era. I absolutely love to dance. Dancing has always been a form of therapy for me. A world I could be in feeling free, strong and happy. I have said along that I would dance again and this is New Years Eve and while I am going to be home I plan on dancing a little in the living room!
Good day for now. I may be back before tomorrow.

12/23/10

Is it just the season that makes most people a bit bluer and the end of another year and start of a new one. All the things we have to be grateful for and all the things we miss, all the things left to do. I guess being a thinker at this season is not the best thing to do. However, being limited in my mobility, finances and ability to get around I have a lot of time to think. I have been trying to get “in touch” with my feelings. I have not been good at it ever. I stay calm, logical and focused on whatever is at hand. It may seem to some that I get emotional but I have held my feelings in for a very long time and sometimes something will slip in get me emotional and since it is just certain people with who I share my feelings. Those few should feel good about it because it means I trust them and I don’t trust many people.

I want to share some very good feelings I had yesterday. My boyfriend came over for awhile and took me out to eat. We got back and just sat on the couch. I didn’t turn the TV on or music. We just sat holding each other. I had forgotten I could feel so safe, so secure. And of course, being the thinker that I am I try to analyze it. Though I did keep trying to just stay with the feeling. It was romantic, comfortable, safe. By just sitting and holding and not even talking I felt more safe then I have since I was a teenager with my high school sweetheart. I felt safe with him. He had been my boyfriend through most of high school and he helped me so much in dealing with my mother. We got engaged and planned an untraditional wedding after we were in college a couple of years. After high school I had a place of my own and he still lived with his parents. I worked in a hospital kitchen and became friends with one of the cooks as we were close in age. Peter, Mark and his fiancé, Audrey became pretty good friends. We hung out together and Audrey and I got to be really good friends or so I thought. Mark found that Peter and Audrey had been messing around. I think I was the one who took it the hardest. I would have bet my life that Peter would never do that to me. When I had no one to trust, I always had him. Until this. Mark didn’t like but seemed able to just brush it off. I broke up our engagement. Mark and Audrey stayed engaged. Mark and I stayed friends and still worked together. We discussed what happened a lot. He felt engaged wasn’t like being married. But that wasn’t how I felt. He and I got close and a bit physical. It didn’t effect their relationship and because of what happened I was not able to maintain a friendship with her. Peter seemed a bit obsessed with my comings and goings. My social life was suffering and since I went to school full time, worked one job full time and another part time my social life already limited. So to get my life back I agreed to marry him. I was still so hurt and angry. Oddly enough, once we were married he stopped hounding me and we pretty much had separate lives. And because I was so hurt and angry I fully intended to go out whoever I wanted whenever I wanted. And that’s what I did for a year. But since we had been best friends after a year of this in your face behavior I knew I was hurting both of us and that we would be better off divorced. I did it since there were no children and he had just moved into my place. All we had to split up were LP’s.

We continued being friends and even did some double dating. If we had stayed married this past June would have been 35 years. And I have no real idea how got from feeling safe and secure last night to my tale of marriage #1. I guess that after feeling that way with Peter before what happened with Audrey, last night was truly the first time in over 35 years that I had that feeling. Sometimes it scares me to feel that way which is why I have not let myself feel it in decades. Last night was simple yet so meaningful. I treasure last night, I treasure that feeling and I hope I feel it again. I believe I have evolved emotionally enough to be open to warm loving feelings if I can’t the rest of my life will be even lonelier than the first half.

12/21/10

I'll tell you internal review is very difficult. I thought I had all my emotions sorted and catergorized in neat little piles. I don't and I don't like what I feel. I don't want to have the feelings or needs that I have. I want what I can't have, I want what I can live and have lived without. But I don't want it to be that way. I realize this may sound confusing but its real. I know I have a few loyal readers and its just those wonderful dear people that I don't want to know what I want and what I feel. I'm strong, I'm tough and having felt like this before I know it will pass and it will be nicely stuffed again.

How do you know who you will be

I’ve been thinking a lot about why my font won’t cooperate!!!!!!

No, really I’ve been thinking about what not only makes us who we are but how we end up on the life path we travel. I suppose these thoughts are not so unusual for the coming of a new year. I look back at so much of my life and see a strong determined crusader and if I look at myself through a different kaleidoscope I see something very different. I tried my whole life to do things differently than my mother thinking I could make a better life for my family. I’d say I succeeded professionally. I don’t really have any regrets related to work or school. I am pretty sure I did poorly with male relationships. I guess I didn’t know what to look for anymore than I knew what kind of mother to be. My father left before I was born and I don’t ever recall living with him. My brother was 9 years older and as a little girl I thought he was wonderful. When he turned 18 he joined the Navy and I saw him once after that until our mother died and it had been over 25 years. But he found me then. I am finally beginning to realize that as far as relationships I don’t think I am worthwhile at all. Don’t feel bad that I know this now because all my life I was in denial about that and I got a way with it for the most part because I was always busy with work, school, being the kind of mom I had wanted. And those things kept me fulfilled. Now with the disability I don’t have so many place to put myself. I am walking so much better than I expected. I have wonderful friends, a nice little adopted family and a wonderful family and friends in TN. So this Winter Solstice should be one of my best, and in many ways it is. In trying so hard to be good at things and be independent to protect my heart I think I may have done it an injustice. One of my goals has been to allow myself to feel my emotions. That is something I never let myself do. No matter what hold back the tears, suck up the pain, the disappointment the hurts. I hope I can start the new years with all the bad feelings out. And a new bestseller!

Merry Christmas

Dec. 17th was the first annual Brooks-Mart family holiday gathering. Our two adopted daughters Mayra and Christine shared, pizza, veggies and cheesecakes. Pictures were taken and smiles and laughter were in abundance.

21 day consciousness cleanse

I finished the 21 day consciousness cleanse in less than 21 days. By the time I got to the section for future I did that week in a day. One thing I learned is that I am not as patient as I could be but its ok and I have actually lived my life and thoughts thoughts encouraged in this book. There were aparts in it that seemed to have come straight from my head. This is not a new experience for me. For as long as I can remember I would read a book usually a text book or a book that I just found interesting and what I read were thoughts or beliefs or behaviors I already had. I know the universe is full synchronicity but now that I know what all those things were--guardian angels, intuitive insights, a feeling of wanting to better just to be role model for change and goodness. It all makes sense now. My whole life the good and the not so good. I think I had a hard lesson to learn. I am responsible for me and I have to take care of and part of that is knowing when to ask for help and that it is ok to ask for help and ok to slow down. I think the biggest whack on the head and soul I got was getting sick and almost dying and being paralyzed. I made it through that by strength and courage but also by saying what I needed and relying on others when I had no choice but to do that. It was a very humbling feeling and sometimes scary. But as with everything else in my life there were lessons to be learned and I think I have learned some of them but I sure of one thing there will always be more lessons in this life and different lessons in our next life. Anyway, its a good book and while it didn't tell me or have me experience anything I hadn't already known or done it was good to see that according to one authors point of view I have been on the right track.

Finished with present now off to the future

I have finished the section on the present in the 21 day cleanse. It seemed to faster than the past. Again I found that I had pretty much already done it wanted us to day. I don't know if it is just me because I am so introspective or if it hit anyone else like this. I am looking forward to the future section and hope I don't already know it. But ya know I have a feeling I will. PT is going very well except to day my back hurt, my knee hurt, I had a headache and a crick in my neck so Marlene did Cranio-sacral on me and I felt much better when I left. My guy friend picked me up and to me out to eat seafood but he would tell me where we were going. It was fun. We ended up at the Desert Diamond casino. We went to the buffett and ate a ton of seafood. There was really good old music playing in the background. And he was so nice and attentive. Then when we had done all the damage we could do there we played the slots a little while. We both only are willing to lose $20. So he lost his quickly but I made the one he gave me last a little longer. It was a perfect night and that makes me glad I understand and am laid back. Every relationship has its own special flavor. I am happy with this one.

Something else

I believe I forgot to update whoever reads this that my absent friend came back and wanted to talk. He says he wants to see me because of me--not for money (this good I have none), food (also good my idea of fixing dinner is nuking something), or sex (not good that's really the only thing I do myself) but just because I'm important to him. But doesn't want to be in a committed relationship. Ok, I don't either but I have yet to find out what he means by not committed. A no strings attached one probably but does this mean I can have other non-committed relationships at the same time. I'm not sure because at one point we did say we wouldn't see anyone else. So do I ask or do I assume non-committed means I can do whatever I want with whom ever I want. I know he has female friends but he's never said anything to make me think there was anything going on so do I ask the question or not, not about him but about me. If he says he isn't seeing anyone and doesn't expect me too I'm screwed. If I don't ask and assume non-committed also means non-monogamous then I can do what I want. Ugh, wanting and trying to be honest about everything in one's life can be quite perplexing. So I welcome comments from anyone who reads my blog. What does "non-committed relationship" really mean?

Crappy Saturday

I am on day 11, it takes us into the present. And today agent of change is acceptance of myself past, present and future. So while I am spending the day going over the serenity prayer and seeing what in my life goes into which column I find the only thing I can't change is my gender but even that is not for sure except I definitely wouldn't want to be a guy. Things I can change--just about everything I can change if I really want to. And inspite of the fact that I really love my life and me just as it is right now I shouldn't be listening to vh1cl one hit wonders. One of those old songs touched a nerve and made feel and think about someone from so very long ago. It is making me feel the longing I have always felt for this man. It was so long ago. I was 19 and he was 34. Fifteen years difference is a big one. He will be 70 in Oct. I haven't seen him since 1980
though through the remaining years we kept in touch writing and talking on the phone. We always hoped we'd see each other again. We never have and I think its just letting go of the belief that we will ever see each other that has me so emotional. I really never doubted that we would be together one last time to say good bye. I no longer believe that will be the case. I don't know how his health is and I am no longer in a position to go where he is. So I know it will never be and that makes me very sad. It also reminds me of another man I loved in my life. We were never in the same palce at the same time but again we stayed in touch until just a few years ago. It seems as far as my love life it was always better when they were in it if only with letters and calls. When they are out of my life I feel lost.

Day 9 of Consciousness cleanse

I'm on day 9 of the consciousness cleanse. I have missed a day or two but I am just picking up where I left off when that happens. So I am now on the present. I found that the ritual ending the past was something I had a hard time wanting to do. You are supposed to let go of the past bad, negative thoughts, beliefs, actions, traumas etc. But I found myself resisting it because I know that what happened in my past good or bad is what has made me what I am in the present. I like who am now and I am grateful for my past with all its problems and disappointments. I think that what is intended on day 8 is something I already have. I am no longer pained by anything that happened in my past or anything I did in my past, or anyone else did. I am at peace with my past and as I said I am alos grateful. I like that feeling. It is not something I want to throw away as suggested in the book. So I am going to do what my intuition directs me to do and that is to keep my past as I continue to learn lessons from it that are benefiting me in the here and now. I am listening to a Carly simon CD and the song "I have got time for the pain" is playing and that pretty much sums up how I feel about my past. And the person she sings about that has made her feel that way is not another for person for me. It is me. I can't adequately describe how very good it feels to NOT be in a relationship and to be living alone. I am so content to have my friends and family. After all these years I can really say I don't need a man-I idin't need a father, or a brother or a mate. I am perfectly fine all by myself. At least I get to live the 2nd half half of my life even more on my on my own terms than I did the 1st half of my life. I am finally accepting the Divine in me and that to quote the Desiderta, "I am a child of the universe" and the universe is the Divine in my eyes. We are all part of the Divine. I am happy.

Let Your Feelings Flow

I am day 6 I think of the consciousness cleanse. Its whichever day is surrender is. I am supposed to allow my feelings to flow through me regardless of whether they be good or bad. I think I had or have a problem with letting negative feelings, anger, disappointment, hurt.I noticed this over the weekend when someone behaved differently than I expected. My initial response was I'm what did I do wrong. But as the weekend progressed I found myself realizing that I never had allowed myself to make equal standards with other people. I wouldn't say I have been a doormat but I don't make my expectations clear either because I don't think anyone would even try to meet mine or that I'm not worth it. However, I am worth it and I realized this when I looked at the wedding ring set I bought for myself. Would I be ok with anyone else treating my daughter, any friend or my new wife (me) like that. Hell no. So hell no not with me either.
If I have an opportunity to see this person again I am going to thank them for their past behavior as it caused me along with the consciousness cleanse to see that you get what you expect. I never expect anything so when I don't get it I'm not surprised and not angry. I won't even try make anything different. I wasn't wrong and this person will no longer be in my life. Not because I'm angry or hurt but because I can do better. Even if I am alone I'm doing better because everyday I like myself more and more. This evening I had a new caregiver filling but the agency did not give her good directions and this is not new and not limited to this agency. It pisses me off. The house they go to the big one which EMPTY, come on people you can see it's empty look around find the small house with lights and people. I yelled at the after hours lady and it wasn't her fault so I did apologize and said I just really need to tell the agency although I have in the past. A few minutes after the aide got here the nurse Cindy showed up (never usually happens). She wanted to make sure everything was all right. I got the impression she was making sure the aide was alright. I never even raise my voice to anyone. The few times I talked to anyone it was in a harsh bitchy way. I am letting my feelings flow through me. I am also raising the bar higher for all things and relationships in my life. One's I already have and any new one's I may find along the way. Especially my new relationship with myself.

2000 An untimely death

One of my favorite poets and probably the poet who had the greatest impact on my style of poetry is Peter McWilliams. I had several of his small paperback poetry books and they were well worn. I went looking for them to share with a friend but couldn't find them. When I can't find a book I want but know I have I will give it a few days and if I can't find it, I buy it again. In this case, I learned alot from and about the author. He complied all his poetry books with his favorites in a hardcover book. I loved it. And in looking up his books I found he wrote many non-fiction books. I bought one, "Life 101 Everything We Wish We Had Learned About Life In School-But Didn't". It was 464 pages of the easiest to read, most interesting, witty and useful book I've read in a very long time and believe me I read a lot of books. I strongly recommend any of Peter McWilliams books. As a matter of fact, I just realized I should right a review for it on amazon where I get most of my books. And here I'll insert a plug for my book which can be purchased at lulu.com "Poems in the Key Of Life...a Journey".
I assure you it is a very good book of poetry. Anyway, back to Peter, I learned at the end of the book that he died in 2000. I feel a deep lose now knowing that he is gone. His poems helped me go through all the loves in my life. I can only hope that material I end up getting published has half the impact that his works have had on me. Please do yourself a favor either buy or get it from the library but read anything by Peter McWilliams. It will touch you.
Last night I failed to do day 5 of my consciousness cleanse but I am going to get back to it and to meditating. I am also going to finish a book a day (that I've already started) and edit one chapter or group of stories of my unpublished material. And as soon as I finish the Shamanism course I will start writing my dissertation. I am motivated again.

Back in the saddle

I was unable to write anything for a couple of days because my computer decided to act up but as quickly as it acted up it came back on its own???? Go figure I think computers are like teenagers you love them one minute and want to send them flying across the room the next (but of course we don't). Anyway, I am now on day 4 of my consciousness cleanse and not listening to music or watching tV is driving me crazy. I have reread everything I have from my novel. I have to type in to the computer now and alot of lost space to recreate. But what is so strange about this book of mine is that so much of it has mirrored my real life not exactly but closely enough for me to see that I write. What I want and expect for myself when written will evetually come true. My character was in a coma and had to have rehab. I wrote that more 10 years ago. It amkes me want to pick it up and finish this book and start a sequel.

The 21 day consciousness cleanse

The 21 day consciousness cleanse is a book by Debbie Ford a former drug addict who has found a process to help people reach their highest level of consciousness and their soul's purpose. As part of the process she recommends journaling. In so much as my blog is a commentary on my life I will share this process with you in my blog instead of a journal. At day one, I am to look for my souls desires. I am also to come up with prayers, quotes and things that I want to say daily to be of encouragement. I will use Don't Quit, Desidarta, and my Reiki prayer. And use these and pictures that forster those feelings and ideals into creating a vision map. Desire is the flame within us that can either fortify us or make us feel lost. The Morning Practice: Igniting ypur spiritual flame.
What is the condition of my spiritual flame right now-gently burning
1-10 where is it-5, where do you want it to be at end of day-7
What is your intention for the day-write and read in any project I am working on.
The feeling I want from this intention is accomplishment.
I will have to keep the TV and music off and spend a minimal amout of time on the computer to make the intention a reality.
What mantra would be healing and help me manifest my intention: Writing and reading are healing activities for me.
How many times will I need to say this mantra 24
This my process for day one which obviously starting in the evening so it will from tonight to tomorrow night. I will share what I learn about myself using this process and I will continue to share other parts of my journey as before. Today I believe I over did it with walking with walker as my back is more painful then usual. And two nights ago I had a strange dream. At first I lived in the streets and tunnels underground in NY and I was a junkie. Then it went directly to my working in a big company but being at a wedding of a very very fat woman to a good looking guy. I tried to talk her out of marrying him but I couldn't and it gave me a migraine and my head exploded. This woke me up and when I woke I did have a migraine. The second in two days.
I noted something odd when I was thinking about novel. There is a point in the story where Lola is in a car accident and goes into a coma as a result of that. She does regain consciousness but it at least a year and she needed to relearn how to do many things including walking. It is strange that write years and in a way it seems I wrote it inot my life. Just something to think about.

"You May Be Right" by Billy Joel

First off I've always been a huge Billy Joel fan. If you have been reading my latest entries then you know I have been feeling nostalgic for Rhode Island. I am reading "Life 101" by Peter McWilliams and what does that have to do with where I'm going with this. Well Peter McWilliams was known to me as a poet that I read a lot of as a teenager. My style is very much like his so if you have my book and read any of his then you can see that clearly. I didn't know he had prose non-fiction but I couldn't find my old copies of his poetry so I went to amazon to buy them again. Well he took all of his poetry books and picked what he thought were the best and put them all in one book which of course I bought. And just out of curiosity I bought "Life 101". I am still reading it and it is awesome. I love it. It's like we have one brain that shares two heads that have never met. Talk about synchronicity. Ok, so all this reading of old poetry and his book and converstaions take me back to my youth, my years in RI. All of it the good and the bad. I find that the bad from those years really no longer bother me and the good from those years are memories that I cherish and that make me happy regardless of how they turned out in the end. I met my last ex-husband when we were both working at a private psychiatric hospital in Attleboro, MA right over the line to RI. I was married and he was living with someone and was married to someone else in TN and had a daughter with her (these things should have been such big red flags for me) but he was so handsome and charming and I was naivee. I was preparing to leave my 2nd husband and had only been married to him a year. My leaving and getting divorced had nothing to do with this guy. We really were just friends. He moved back to Tennessee to divorce his wife. We wrote to each other as this was before e-mail so it was pen and paper. He wrote lovely letters and poems. I kind of wish I still had them. We were married for 17 years and together longer. When I would think of him it would be of the many years when I was hurt by his unfaithfullness. But today I heard "You may Be Right" by Billy Joel which was one of his favorite songs and for the first time in decades I thought of him and smiled. I felt genuine happy nostagia about him and our relationship before we moved to TN. And on that note, I am going to stop while I still have that smile on. But it may be the beginning of truly forgiving and forgetting. God I hope so its been long enough and I'm sick of the pain and I would much rather think of my youth with him and be able to smile about it. More later.

You never know

Well, you just never know now do ya? My guy friend that I hadn't heard from and thought he was either dead or I was dumped. He came by this evening, expecting me to tell him to get out. But of course, that's not what I did. That is not what I ever do. I let him in and asked how he was. He explained how sick he had been and that his phone ended up in the toilet. And that he had sent me messages. None of which I checked because I don't do that. I believe. Maybe that's stupid but that's how I am. He does not have my heart. He did not really hurt me, he just worried me. Is this one of those times I'm too nice? I don't know. I get something positive from my friendship with this guy. He's my age and we have a lot in common. He hugs like no one I've ever known and he's almost always so thoughtful. When he showed up he thought I would kick him out. I not only didn't kick him out but was understanding, glad he was alive and believed that he tried to contact me but that I didn't get it. True or not true does it matter? I like having him around. If nothing else he can be a friend with benefits. You keep your heart to yourself but you physically share and enjoy and you also stay friends so you look out for each other.
I have had my best relationships as friends with benefits. So anybody reading this please give me your opinion. Am I way off base or am I dealing with this appropriately?????

Time alone

I have learned so much about myself, life, and perceptions since I have had time alone. For one thing, time alone does not mean being lonely. I have not been lonely when I have been alone. But I have been lonely when I was with others and we had no connection be that a lover, a friend or a family member. And we will never have the connection we want with everybody and we may never feel connected to anyone. Unbelievably so, it is most important that you have and nurture the connection with yourself. I believe this is the connection that gets neglected which cause many physical, emotional and mental problems.
I have also realized that having grown up with no good male role models and a poor female role model I learned early that I needed to take care of myself because I could not depend on anyone else. So my mother was a "helpless", "ill", mother but she was there. I had an abusive step father and 4 other stepfathers that left so little impression that I cannot even remember their names. So where do you look for role models, who do you want to be like? For me, I excelled at school so I was rewarded for good work, for following the rules, for being a good girl and for being smart. So I am an eternal student always wanting to learn through school programs, pleasure reading and learning from the life I live. I also saw that men had control, power, respect so I tried to approach things like a man would. Again this approach was productive for me in my career and in being a student, and it was how I was in relationships. Do I wish I had been different-no way. If I had not chosen the path I chose then I would not be who I am now and I really like her. She's not perfect and never will be but she is open, honest, kind and loving when there were times in her life that she wished she was not all of these things. Now I accept me though I will never stop learning, growing, changing. Life really is an adventure.

Neglectful

I feel like I have neglectful of my blog. I didn't mean to be. Doing the blog has been so helpful to me. I am back in physical therapy and doing very well. I am able use a walker to walk some. I have home exercises to do daily but I do them twice a day. I fugure if once is good then twice is better. I continue to learn about myself. I realized in writing an e-mail to a friend that one of the things I miss and believe I can never get me is the me I was when I lived in RI. I was born there and didn't leave until I was 27. I didn't leave it because I didn't like it there anymore I left it because I followed a certain path and it took me elsewhere and when I left I believe I left at least a part of me there. I have never stopped missing it. I have no family there so it is truly the place and all the memories associated with it some good some bad but it was home. And now I don't have that part of me anymore and I have a new place that feels like home to me. I wish I could get whatever little or big part of me that is gone back. I was given to coffee table books for Christmas one year of RI.
I had been where each of the different pictures showed. Looking at those books is probably the last I really sobbed. It felt like a heart ache to see and miss my home.
On to another topic, the man I was dating has drifted away (that sounds more poetic). We celebrated my birthday and that is the last I've seen or heard from him. We (Mayra and I) were prepared to celebrate his birthday which is 13 days after mine. We were so worried about him that we called where he works not to disturb him but to know he was alright. He had gone 5 days once withno contact and had a wound on his arm he said he'd done at work but it looked someone how was trying to slash his wrist. He apologized and explained it had just been a black week. So when I didn't hear from him I was much more worried than mad because I didn't think he would the type to just completely out off contact even if he wanted to stop seeing me I think he would have the balls to tell me. Anyway, he was at work so I can stop picturing lying on the floor dead. I'm glad he is ok and I'm really not even mad that he didn't have the balls to give me whatever reason it was to not come back. If comes back he can be sure it will be only as a friend and this just confirms my original theory that I am allergic to men. Fortunately, I had not become attached emotionally to him so I feel no heartache or loss. I just kind of feel sorry for him.

Said I'd be back

Right now I listening to cassette tapes that I made using my old 45's. Just another way to preserve musical history and an opportunity for me to play DJ. My aid just returned with a new charger for my phone. Yeah. I have been reading my favorite poet Peter McWilliams. He had the biggest effect on my style of poetry. I am also reading Life 101 also by Pter McWilliams. Time for a shower.

Sorry for the absense

I have been very busy. Now that I PT back I have a bit less time than before. And I've so many things pop into my head that I wanted to share but well you know my memory. I got great news. My lawyer Diane Lalosh is my hero. She got the case dismissed. What a relief. August has been a good month. My birthday, PT starting again and the case being dismissed. I got a tool kit from Elizabeth a real one!!! She always knows what I want. I am doing so much better already and I only have had two days of PT. A friend of mine gave me one with the 4 wheels and a seat. But my therapist says thats too high tech for now and gave me one from rehab to take home and practice on. Mayra's been gone since Thursday and I miss her. Christina is back and it looks like I'll get her on Sundays. That makes me happy to. I promise I'll be back with more today oh and my cell phone battery charger died so I have to get a new one.

What's next

I'm back. I've been doing what many people do at certain ages. I just turned 55 and I looked back over my years to see what I've accomplished both career wise and family wise. I've done pretty well in my career. I went from a therapist to a vice president in a behavioral health agency and then private practice. After all of that I could see all the wholes in the mental health system. I moved to Tucson, my own Funky Town, where I found the faith I'd lost years ago. Not religion but spirituality. I became a Reiki Master Teacher. I learned all I could about intuition. And completed a distance learning program in parapsychic science in which I will get a Ph.d ( I started writing it just before I got sick) I am now ready to do my dissertation. And then I have started another Ph.d in holistic health. I have contacted publishers to get my 3 books out there. So career wise I am pleased. On the personal life arena, not so good. I've had 3 failed marriages. The first two were only a year a piece and the last one I was married for over 17 years and had a daughter from that union. The more I think about my past life the more I know he was the only true love I had. After I divorced him (he was a cheater), I had 3 long term relationships. The first one was the best. He was what any woman would love to have. Perfect in everyway except he wanted to get married and I didn't. I was too scared. I had been too hurt to do that again. So we parted friends. The 2nd long term relationship was with someone whose intellect attracted me. He was very smart, a writer and 14 years younger than than me. We stayed together for 7 years. His libido was at 0 and mine was at +10 so after awhile I just couldn't take it any more. I never cheated on him. The 3rd long term relationship was for 4 years and as best friends we were fine but he had ED and being old fashioned if he couldn't do THAT he wouldn't do anything else. Again I never cheated at some point I realized I needed and deserved more than that. So now I am focusing on my writing and school courses and am dating a very nice guy. I am however ready to deal with it if something goes awry in this dating relationship. I have married myself. I know that sounds strange but I bought a wedding set cheap and I wear it on my left hand to remind me that I can take care of myself and I don't need a man to make me fulfilled. So far so good. Gosh don't you just love introspection! More later.

Birthday

It was my birthday on Tuesday. I turned 55. I had a wonderful Tues and Wednesday celebrating with friends. So today I've been just plain tired. I have much to say that I have reflected on this past week so look for a good post tomorrow or Saturday.

Who knows?

When I started to write I thought well how was your day and I honestly am not sure. It wasn't bad so I guess it was good but it didn't feel quite good either. So if someone has the answer for me let me know.

Some stand up comedy

I have always wanted to do a stand up comedy rountine. My material-my life. You certainly couldn't do anything but laugh at things I've done and been through. And I am feeling funny so since I won't be shattered not hearing you laugh I will attempt to be funny. Yesterday I was soooo productive today I couldn't wake up. I woke up too early and couldn't go back to sleep until 11 when I slept till after 1 and was still not awake. Mayra, my great caregiver, got me turned on to watching Sex in the City. i used to watch it here and there but never really followed it. Those were the women who used to be the Golden Girls. I've even identified who is who. Samantha has to be Blanche, Miranda is Dorothy, Charlotte is Rose and Carrie gets to be Sophia but it fits because Carrie is the one liner and full of witty retorts. Now I think of my life and if I had thought writing that show. My show would be called "Sex in the Cities", I moved alot. There is alot to be said for both Sex in the City and The Golden Girls. We seem to spend soooo much time thinking about relationships, getting into them, out of them, about the sex, no matter what our age or our relationship status. It is always a topic of conversation among friends and even more details with close friends. I, for one, have finally (I believe) shaken off the whole realtionship thing. I am sure I am allergic to men and that all relationships are jinxed. I used to think it was just marriage that was jinxed but after 3 long term relationships in the past 14 years I must say it applies to all romantic relationships. Now that's not to say I shouldn't have a friend or two at some point that I like to call friends with benefits. I've had those before and they have always worked out great. And on that note I will fix dinner...... I'm getting hungry.

Hump day

I had my sleep study done last night. It was the second one so they could tell how much 0-2 I need. I slept ok but I woke up with this heart shaped scar like thing on my forehead where some of the mask was I guess. That was the only thing that hurt. He is supposed to have what I need mailed to me I sure hope I don't end up with a permanent heart on my head! I am tired but not sleepy. I just finished reading lesson 6 of my on-line seminary course-Shamanism. So far it's about shamans from Siberia and China. I didn't know they had them so I guess I'm learning something new. I want to finish this course before I hit the dissertation again because I have already found information in the course that is relevant to my paper. But in reading this course it has also made me motivated to work on the Aromatherapy course while waiting to start the paper. I can work on two projects at once. I finished one of three of the aromatherapy books. So I can type at least one test and send it in. I really want to make use of my time in a valuable way. And even though I have not accomplished what I think I should have (one should never use the word should, it only serves to make us feel bad), yep it made me feel bad. I have spent alot of this time being introspective. I believe I have gained valuable insights that I would not have noticed had I not allowed myself time to just "be" without doing anything. As a woman (yes I'm being sexist but it's true), we multi-task our lives away. Even right now I bet if you are a woman reading this you are also doing something else-the laundry, cooking, watching the kids, or something else. Very rarely did I ever take the time to just "be". I would read, write, watch TV, listen to music, do house work, laundry, anything to keep from being still. Even this past year of being out of the hospital and not able to work I have found it difficult to be still. I read, study, write (like starting this blog), edit other things I've written, look for publishers, almost anything to avoid that stillness that we all need. I make an effort to do Reiki on myself in the morning before I get up for the day and at night I try to go to bed early enough to meditate and then do Reiki as I drift off to sleep. If I haven't said what Reiki is before let me briefly tell you about it. It is an ancient Japanese healing art. It means "universal life force energy". I am a Reiki Master Teacher. I used to do energy healing in my private practice and I taught Reiki. So I have used it on myself in the hospital and I continue to for help in repairing my body and my spirit. I believe that the positive energy of family and friends and my belief in Reiki has allowed me to not only survive, and heal but also has allowed me to gain insights, to learn from my experiences and not be angry or too depressed (I'm human and I've had my depressed times) but I know that without the faith I regained in Tucson I could not have endured this and come out of it better than I was before. At least I hope I'm better for the experience!

MUSIC

I have been listening some old home made CD's with favorite songs from the 50's,60's and 70's. I realized that if I could only save one thing from my home if it were burning it would be my music not pictures like many people. While I listened to this music this morning I noticed I had my eyes closed and I realized it was because with my eyes closed I could see the memories associated with the song. My life is my music. I am not a singer and I can't an instrument or read music but music has been interwoven in my life like nothing else has. I know all the words to all the songs I like and I love to dance. That has been part of what has helped me keep my nerves in my legs getting better-music. I would listen to K.C. and the Sunshine band while I was in the hospital and I couldn't move my legs at all. But when I listened to the music I could feel my muscles moving. And now I am so close to walking and I can feel the music through my whole body right to my toes. I know I will dance again. I love my music.

A remembered insight

I have thought a lot about the too nice thing and I remembered something that I believe resulted in my inability to express negative emotions. When I was 12 or younger I had two fights with boys my age who were picking on little girls on the walk to and from school. One boys mother came out to yell at me but I just told her she needed to teach her son manners and to treat girls and kids younger then him appropriately and not pick on them. She hemmed and hawed. I'm sure I embarassed her because he never bothered anyone again that I saw, either that or he was scared of me LOL. But that was not the defining moment. When I was 16 my mother made the most lethal of her many suicide attempts. I stayed at the hospital until they told me she would make it and they told me to go home and get some rest. I had spent the night in the waiting room in ICU crying and having a million things going through my head. And I was heartbroken. So when they said she was ok I had a friend pick me up and take me home so I could catch a nap and change clothes. When I got back one of female drinking buddies was there and had told her that I had not been there until now and that I had just stayed home. My mother believed her and while I could have had the hospital staff tell her the truth it didn't matter anymore. She couldn't have hurt me any more and I just wanted to build my walls up so no one could hurt me again. Well, that same woman later on wanted to come in to see my mother at home. My mother was sleeping and I wouldn't let her in. She got angry slapped me and called me a slut (which I wasn't) and all I remember is seeing RED. I truly lost it. All I remember is my boyfriend and a police officer pulling me off her. I apparently beat the crap out of her. She wanted to press charges but I had witnesses who saw her slap me and since I was a minor she couldn't do anything but I could have. But I didn't. I just enjoyed seeing the blood on her face where I guess I made the most contact. I never got angry again. Partly because I wanted to be dignified and not let anyone see how they affected me and partly because I was afraid of what I might do. If I lost it like that as an adult there would be consequences and I just didn't want to lose control again. So I guess that is why even in situations where I had a right to be angry I couldn't let myself. I wonder if I can change that now decades later and I wonder if it would be healthier for me if I could express those feelings in an appropriate manner???? HHHHMMMM.

Can someone be too nice?

I am questioning particularly in my life, is it possible that I have been too nice? When I was little I don't recall ever getting in trouble except when my mother would complain that I always had my nose in a book instead of keeping her company. I got detention once in high school because I had a migraine and the teacher wouldn't let me leave. The vice principal tore the detention slip up because I didn't deserve it. I always got along with everyone in my class. I sound like I think I was perfect. I wasn't. I was not normal. No one is always nice. I was nice to my brother even though he left me alone with a mentally ill mother at 9y.o. so I had to take care of both of us. I saw him and my father once when I was 15 and he had a wife and two kids that we ( my mother and I) never even knew about. I was angry and hurt but I was nice. I had no other contant from them until my mother died. When I found out my husband was cheating I was nice. I asked him if there was anything he wanted to tell me and he waid no and left. Then the husband of the other woman came and showed me pictures and letters. He wanted me to talk her out of it. I was calm and nice. She showed up with her kids sleeping in the car. I went down stairs and spoke to her like I would have spoken to a client. Calm, respectful, encouraged her to work on her own marriage because my family was going to stay together. She was wasting her time. I was nice and calm. Then I made sure I went everywhere with him that I knew she would be. Finally it worked and he went on to someone else but at least I didn't know her. Still I was nice. I still was a good wife. It went on like that for 10 years. I finally had enough and told him he would have to leave. I could no longer live that way. After knowing about the cheating it took me 3 years to get my self esteem up enough to find men that I would see. I didn't like living like that. So I told him to leave if couldn't change. But I was nice about it. I had just been promoted to VP and I got a raise to the beginning level for VP of Operations which was 48,000. The VP in the south of operations was already making 68,000. She had not been a VP and should have been at the same rate as me or raise mine so there wasn't such a discrepancy. Did I say anything? No, I didn't complain and I worked my ass off. She on the other hand didn't make it. But I still never earned what the other VP's did. The last year I began a new service line, wrote grants for it, trained people and became VP of Public Safety services as well as VP of Operations. With all that I made only 5,000 more. And still I worked my hardest and with heart because I believed in what I was doing. Was I nice? Yes. Everyone was afraid of our CEO so when things needed to be said I was the one elected to do it. Fortunately for me, he liked me and respected me so I could say what needed to be said and told him that of course the decision was his and I would follow his lead as best I could. I worked there 17 years. I learned a lot and I learned how not to lead and manage people. I was always nice trying to find win-win solutions. When I saw that was not possible I resigned but I did leave on good terms. And why not I was always nice. I was firm when I needed to be and fired so many people my nickname was the terminator. I just ended up having to clean up other peoples messes. It is hard to properly manage people but when you do you gain loyalty and respect. I had one woman I fired list me as a reference. I had older workers, young right out of school workers and foreigners that I hired and they were surprised. Older workers have good work ethics, young first job people you can train the right way right off the bat and as for the foreinger, she was well qualified and had the same accent as almost all our Doctors. I was fair and I was nice. I see no reason to not be. I was assertive when I needed to be but even then I was calm and respectful. So is there such a thing as too nice? I think the answer for me is yes. There were definitely times when without losing my temper I should have said what I really felt like no you can't have my husband you slut. Leave him alone or else. I should have said 48,000 is too low and I expect a more reasonable salary because of the situation. I was told I got ahead because I thought like a man. A man would have gotten more money. A man would have beat the crap out of the guy cheating with his wife. I did think later that I should have brought my gun down without the bulletts just to scare the crap out of her. I think being too nice is what made me physically ill and what stole my soul. When I moved to Tucson things were far from good but there is an energy here that nourishes me. And through all the unpleasantness I have gone through here I know that if I had been anywhere else I would not have made it. My soul and my spirit grow and develop here. I love it and I am going to make a real effort to not be so nice and understanding all the time. I am no longer going to ignore my needs.

midnight

It's midnight and I can't sleep. I've meditated and done Reiki but I am just not sleepy. I can't say anything is bothering me. I just feel restless. I'm listening the Eagles. They always have a way of singing me back to normalcy. I guess I should make good use of my time and read lesson 6 of the Shamanism course. Wish me luck. I'd like you get sleepy soon.

I'm back

Sorry for being away. I've been here but not if you know what I mean. Everytime I'd think of something I wanted say I would not be in a position to write and then when I was I would forget what I thought was so interesting. Anyway, I've had contact with old school friends from classmates.com which is really a call site. And I fell between my wheelchair and the couch and fell the wrong way on my left foot and I think I broke a few little bones. My foot is swollen, purple and it hurts. I am reading "The Quantum Enigma" Physics and Consciousness. Very interesting. On a more pertinent note, my lawyer called and is working her way through those who have an interest in my case and so far no cares if it gets changed to just a moving violation. She has yet to get to the prosecutor and the judge but I think she will be able to do it. I have faith in her. I am trying to get PT to start me by the beginning of Aug that way I can be finished by the time I visit my daughter in TN in Oct.

7/22/2010 afternoon

It was an interesting afternoon. I got a call from my friend in TN who is ok with us just as friends unless he's drunk and this afternoon he was drunk so I stayed calm and courtesy but said good by and I would talk to him when he could have a decent conversation. I think I handled it well. There never is an easy way. I do want to stay friends with him. He is close to Jennifer and the boys and most of the time he is fine. If I took us away from him it would like taking away his family. He has none of his own and deserves this. What happened today is unusual but then again drinking moonshine all day can mess with your emotions. Our book club watched the movie and it was very much like the book, "Like Water For Chocolate". I had it mixed up with "Chocolat"- I knew write away because the movie I had seen had Johnny Depp! Hey I get all those chocolate movies confused. I've had a very good day. I Reiki'ed myself last night for about an hour and sent energy to my friends and family who could benefit. I had stopped for awhile but I know that I need it again now. I started getting positive reinforcement from external sources and not primarily internally. I have always had a good internal guidance system and I think I'm getting it back. I need to nurture it. More on that later! I'm off to read "Quantum Enigma". I started it today and while I have other things to read and to write this is the book I'm moved to read now.

July232010

It's Friday and for those who work all they are probably happy. I like weekends-no medical appt's. Anyway, I know that astrologically speaking, Mercury is in retrograde and that is not good for man, machine nor beast. I on the other hand am feeling pretty good. I think I am feeling more content and peaceful because I have been doing Reiki on myself and distance healing for some family and friends. It was ends up making me feel more peaceful and focused. Last night it seemed everyone I knew and had contact with was down and out. I was proud of myself because I didn't take any of it personally and I didn't try to "fix" anyone, just be supportive and send energy. I hope it helped but with Reiki it heals what needs to be healed at the time not necessarily what appears to need healing. I am just the plug into the universal life force energy so there is no ego involved. I don't "do" the healing, the universe does. And if it doesn't do one thing it sometimes helps something that is actually more important. I hope everyone has a wonderful day.

Another day in paradise

Today was a good day. I learned that my court date was postponed again. But I have faith in this lawyer to make the prosecutor realize I don't need to prosecuted! And I had healthy pizza with my friend/Dr. and then we went to see Eclipse. A teen chick flick. Bella the heroine has two guys who she loves fighting for her affection. Like who out there honestly wouldn't like to be in that position. But in reality that would never happen for more reasons than I could list. I had a brief talk with my daughter and a good e-mail so I understand her and she understands me. Nothing, not even two men fighting over me, could make me feel better. I found out I have sleep apnea. Its been so long since I have had anyone in my bed who would know! And now its late and I'm tired. I am also trying to find a publisher for the books I have written. Trying to make good use of my time. So good night all. I'll be back tomorrow!

Why

I've some good times and some bad times since my last entry. I want to get emotion from someone who doesn't feel what I want them to feel and no its not a guy. I understand when they don't feel something. I'm not used to being emotional but since my illness and those four months in the hospital I have emotions I'd rather not have and I share them because you never know which breath may be your last. But do you get someone to understand that. Most people don't "get" it but its important for this person to. I don't know what to say or how to get this person to understand. I guess I'll just keep trying. I have been enjoying my alone time so much lately. The times I'm not alone I enjoy as well. I have a lot of appts this week so there will probably be more entries I generally lead a very boring life.

Strange day

It's been a strange day. I can't really put a finger on it. Have you ever had a day like that? I was cotton headed all morning and in more pain than usual but I guess I've just been lucky. It's 2 weeks exactly before court and I must admit it makes uneasy. I am so not criminal material. Anyway, that might be part of it. Then Mayra came earlier and we or I should say drowned reality in to several episodes of Sex in The City. For some reason that show makes my reality feel less lousy. I am really sick of being unable to walk. I feel so stuck. And now unbelievably, I'm speechless. For now.

update

Good news the horse returned. I'm glad and I hope he is too.

He's human

I have been silent for a few days and apparently I have a lot to say now. I just read an MSN article on sexiest and racist comments made by an angry Mel Gibson about his ex-girlfriend. I am a feminist at heart and I abhor any kind of discrimination. Yet I strongly believe we all have the right to speak what we want, you know that nice right we have under the constitution. Plus who of us have not said something in anger that we would not have said otherwise and that we wouldn't want others to hear. I just believe there are so many other much more important things that journalists should be following other than every word that comes out of any entertainers mouth. Ugh!

Irony

This blog is about the journey of life mine and those whose lives intertwine with mine. It is also about karma. I try and see the bigger picture these days and how the universe sometimes gives us just a bit of what we need. I've already accepted the why's of some reallt big hurts I've had and I accept them and the key is to learn from them. What I wanted to share is that there are times when karma happens to someone else and though I have never wanted bad things to happen even to those who've I've allowed myself to be hurt by, I can't help to smile. The husband who cheated on me had such a pained looked on his face when the new jeep he LOVED was stolen, I smiled but I had nothing to do with it. And now the last man in my life LOVED his horse more than anything called upset that the horse has apparently run off and he can't find him. Again, it saddens me really it does but I can't help but have a little grin because the universe tries to let others in our life know by many means that you have to treat those in your life people and animals and jeeps well or they will either leave you or be taken from you. Some people learn and some don't and its sad to say that it seems women learn better than men do. We may not learn as quickly as we should always hoping it will be different but we do learn, at least that has been my experience. And with that note I really hope he finds his horse his lost too much already.

An inspirational reading

Don't Quit
When things go wrong as they sometimes will. When the road you're trudging seems all up hill. When funds are low and debts are high. And you want to smile but you want to sigh. When care is pressing you down a bit-rest if you must but don't you quit. Life is queer with its twists and turns as everyone of us sometimes learns, and many a fellow turns about when he might have won had he stuck it out. Don't give up though the pace seems slow-you may succeed with another blow. Often the goal is nearer than, it seems to faint and faltering man; often the struggler has given up. When he might have captured the victor's cup. And he learned too late when the night came down. How close he came when the night came down how close he came to the golden crown. Success is failure turned inside out. The silver tint of the cloud of doubt. And you never can tell how close you are. It may be near when it seems afar. So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit. It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
I don't know the author but the words have helped me for decades and still do.

My absense

I was going to say I'd taken some days off writing just because I had nothing interesting or insightful to say. But thanks to my sister and her ability to know just when I need a kick in the a-- and some love and support I will not wear my armor. The past few days I have been very depressed and slept most of the day and night. I honestly can't put a finger on why I was feeling so depressed but I have learned to allow myself to feel whatever it is I feel. I think some of it is the waiting for PT to start. I have to wait for an opening. I'm tired of being wheelchair bound and tired of being strong and upbeat. How I feel now and this past weekend will be short lived. It is not in my nature to be this way but I am human and sometimes it just all feels to heavy. So there my friend I have taken my armor off not just with you but with whoever reads my blog. I don't want sympathy or pity I just want to be heard and accepted. And I do have some interesting things to say and some insights but I am still not able to formulate them in a good way to put them in words.

Thursdays seem to come so quickly these days

Yesterday was indeed Wednesday. I know because my friend the Dr. was off and spent time with me having lunch and watching a movie. Girls day because we got to share it with her young daughter. There I was tense at the edge of my seat watching a children's movie. I'm not sure of the name but it was about a place called Nardia. I loved the talking badger and the talking mice. Everytime I see or hear talking mice I think of Fivel and his little song "there are no cat's in America" and his surprise when he found there mice in America. I had a really good day as I finished reading the lessons I have received so far in my Shamanism course, cleaned out my closet with the help of Mayra and tried to emotionally lay low from my former boyfriend. It was really a shock when I saw and admitted to myself that I had allowed myself to be at the least emotionally bullied and at the worst emotionally abused. Having grown up in an abusive environment I can truly say I should have known better. I am not seeing myself as a victim, I never have. I take complete responsibility for how I feel. But again the lesson I have learned from this experience is I must follow my own advice, take care of myself first. And the other lesson is to share who I really am and what happens in my life with my daughter. I keep forgetting she is all grown up and no longer needs to be protected and that she will always love me no matter what. I have always tried so hard to be a good role model to everyone I encountered but especially for my daughter. And i apparently have as she has recently used my own words to show me the error of my ways (don't you hate it when they do that!). It makes you feel like a little kid. I am sure it continue allow our already wonderful relationship grow to a new and even better level.
I heard from my spiritual mentor in the past couple of days. I am so happy. She is always in my heart but now we can communicate in more normal ways. And as soon as I figure out how to link her blog to mine I will do so. She taught me about goddesses, the Feminine Divine and Reiki. She helped me find my spirit. I was looking and the Universe put her right in my path. As a result of my illness and it's effect on my memory, I was unable to access my hotmail account. I couldn't remember my username or my password and microsoft made it impossible to retrieve it. I couldn't even remember the answer to my secret question.
I sent time last night in particular convincing myself I didn't miss a guy I have just recently started seeing. I am so determined to be able to be alone that I am shutting down feelings. And right now I believe it is something I must do to grow to my next level. I don't want to ever need a romantic partner though someday I will find it is okay to want one.
Last night I slipped in the bathroom and fell between the toilet and the bathtub. This was good and bad. It was good because I was able to quite easily pick myself up and get back in my chair. It was bad because all day my side hurt very much. I sat on the couch with the heating pad around me while I read and napped. I still get incredibly fatigued in the middle of the day and even if there is no one hear I wake myself up talking. It's the nacrolepsy that my pulmonologist doesn't believe I have even though I meet the criteria perfectly. Some Dr.'s just don't like informed patients.
In my decades as a therapist I always believed that with a few exceptions I was the best one for the job. And I still believe that to be true in general. However, I have a therapist who is just perfect for me. As I am just shy a dissertation for a Ph.d in parapsychic science and I believe in all things paranormal including intuition, ghosts, spirits, and that we are all part of the Universal force that makes up everything, a more traditional therapist I would not share these things with. As a matter of fact, my dissertation looks at the psychic, the psychotic and the religious mystics/shamans and the similarilities in their brains and brain chemistry leaving only culture to make them either gifted, holy or sick. I am sure that many of the sickiest individauls I have treated or hospitalized really needed someone to teach them about the gifts they had and how to control and use them to benefit themselves and others. In any case, again I am grateful to the universe for putting me with a person who understands and even draws on what I know to increase his knowledge base. I have been reading an article by Judith Orloff, MD and I have learned she is psychic and has been both negatively and positively affected by it. It is more accepted then it used to be and is especially here in Tucson. That may be why I feel so contented here. Well that's it for this entry. More tomorrow.....

Later on the water shed day

Mayra definitely changes my day and helps my mood. I think we help each other. We can be each other's reality check and validators. I'm grateful for her. My daughter is amazing. She can take just about anything and even in a totally exhausted state be more eloquent than I can on my best day. Just when I think I should bob and weave she hits me with an upper cut of love. She really is amazing. I settled down and made some decisions that should make my life calmer. I think I am ready to focus on my goals. I am working on going threw the house and make it my own again. With Mayra's help we are getting there. I am reading the material on my Shaman course for ULC. It has information that fits right in with the dissertation I've yet to write. But I believe I will be able to start it after I finish the Shaman course. I am also ready to get back to work on the Aromatherapy course. I have 1 and a half books left in that course. I wanted to start working on the 2nd Ph.d while waiting for my head to work well enough to do a good job on the dissertation. I have realized like I did as a teenager but forgot that I am not responsible for other people in how they perceive things, in what they do or don't do. I am only responsible for my own feelings, thoughts and actions. I know it and always have but somehow I lost it in my life. I have it back. I really am using this time to look at myself in the mirror. Some of what I see I like and some of what I see I need to change. But I will identify those things and share them with those who read this. I am not afraid to look at the good and the bad in me. Changing can be scary but sharing it like I am helps me not be afraid.

A watershed day

How is it that 44 years ago I let my life be controled by a mentally mother and her abusive husbands and now all these years later I find I am allowing the same thing to happen. I'm still allowing myself to be controled emotionally by a carbon copy of my mother. I think I have learned something in those years and while its taken me longer than I would like to see it. I do see it. And I am not going to let it happen to me again. No one is going to control me. There is nothing that can be done to me. I am stronger than that. I will not buy into it. Whatever he does to himself or tries to do to me will fail. I take responsibility for myself but just me not anyone elses behavior. If that's the lesson I was supposed to learn from the past four years, well I've learned it. And class is over. I don't care what threats I get. If I have the chance to say that I will but I am going to do what I can to keep his brand of poison away from me. I am blocking his number from my cell and I will not answer my home phone at night. If I don't hear it it can't hurt me. I hate it is ending this way but that wasn't my choice. Keeping my sanity is my choice. It was my choice over 40 years ago and its my choice again. I hope I have learned this lesson for the last time.

Adult Angst

Why is life so difficult to be honest. They say life during your teens is filled with angst but at least people expect that. As an adult you're supposed to know exactly what we want and do it. I know what is best for me but when I do what is best it hurts other people. I feel bad in a way but not in another. In this case, the person being hurt is basically a good person but he is now feeling the pain he has caused others and he can't understand it. Sylvia went through it for years and always forgave him and took him back. His excuse his illness, he's normal needs, he couldn't say no. He changed and now he can't be that understanding person his ex-wife was. His broken heart is more important than I'm he felt hers was and more important than mine when I believed everything he said only to find it was not true. Or mine when I had no physical contact for years and spent most of my time walking on egg shells to not upset him. So why do I still feel guilty, feel bad, why do I want to keep him from feeling bad even though all I want to do is be honest but I have a hard time because I hate hurting anyone and him in particular.

Thursday afternoon

Well its not Thursday. I have had a weird couple of days. My up's and down's have felt like a bouncing ball against a wall of a school in a playground. I also have been feeling ill so I slept alot. I think I'm over it. I watched season 2 of Sex in The City and that always makes me feel better, not alone. But I'm still not ready to open my blinds figuritvely or literally. Another thing that has helped how feel is a Stevie Nicks cd I just got. I love her voice and her songs just touch my heart right whee it needs.

July 1st

I did survive yesterday and my lung at clean bill of health so now their trying to come up with another explanation for my coughing up blood. Ihave happy, sad and to fight off some verynegative energy. I need to smudge this place. I know where that dark could comes from. And I am trying get him to see its better to leave me alone. I have no idea where this day has gone. I have busy since 5 am, but I don't feel like I have accomplised anything then responding to all he e-mails. I had a friend come over and visit. But that wasn't long. I grocery shopped, shopped for new bedding. Answered some mail from classmates.com I cooked dinner. I guess I did accomplish more than I thouhgt but I have som uch I need to write about and I didn't get a chance maybe later this evening.

June 30, 2010

I'm waiting for my ride to TMC to have a bronciascopy (sp) done to look at a "little" nodule on my lung. But like any procedure there is always miniscule chance something can go wrong so of course I think I'll be that .99 percent person. I thought about writing letters to those family members and friends who I want to say some last words to but then time got away from me because of reading the insert on my new Stevie Nicks CD and I just heard my ride pull up. If there is another entry you'll know I made it if not I didn't!

Happy Monday

Hey there. I was eating breakfast and listening to CMT top 20, there are a few songs I like. They were talking about the concert to aid Nashville flood victims. I lived in middle TN for over 25 years and the area that appeared to be most affected was the high rent district where many of the country stars live. Having a concert that would benefit these people would really bother me. So not wanting to jump to conclusions I googled the flood and who was most affected. Well it turns out that a population referred to as "tent city", homeless people who live near the Cumberland river in tents were part of the group of people most affected. In listening to the various artists talking about the flood and who lost equip and someone lost a signed guitar that was given to him by his idol. No one has ever mentioned the poor and homeless affected. I would really want to know where the money from this concert is going. I really would hate to see it go to the entertainers who were affected and I'm sure had insurance on their equipment or property. Just something to think about.

Later on Sunday

I took a nap after the X-Files and slept peacefully to early Rolling Stones. I was to a visit from a new and very dear friend who has filled a void that I have had for a very long time. There is a certain connection that happens with another person it is rare and it is a valuable gift. A person that when you think about you smile, someone who can make you really laugh. I could go on and I probably will later. Right now I am just enjoying the moment, the inner peace I feel. As a writer, the feelings and the thoughts are churning and there will be more. My back is hurting a little more than usual but I took my meds a little later than usual. Tomorrow I see the lung Dr. I think I am anxious because I don't know if it will be bad news or no news and both options are not good. There is something wrong with my lung but whether it is a minor or major problem I just want to know. But right now I don't want to think about that I just want to soak up the good feelings I have right now.

She lived through Fright Night

I made it through the night. I was greeted with a good morning and Mayra brought me some neat girl things for my bathroom. Thank you Mayra! And as I went through the guide to what if anything good was on today I found an X- File marathon. I LOVE that show!!!! So I thank the programmer on station 199. I'll be absent for awhile I will be enjoying one of my favorite shows of all time.

Saturday Night

It's Saturday Fright night at my place. Picture a woman in a wheelchair stuck in her bathroom with a scorpion in the bathtub. This woman is excessively afraid of bugs since being unable to move away or grab something easily to kill it. Yet some how she finds the wits to grab her trusty can of hair spray and spray it even as it tries to get away. She manages to lean over the tub and swish the hair sprayed item of her fear with a bottle of conditioner. Now as she retells it in the third person her hands shaking on the keyboard, the feeling of itchiness and the fear of turning any lights out. She has already put a candle lighter and the can of hair spray on her bed. The only person she could call on is her upstairs neighbor but since its Saturday night it is unlikely he would respond. It definitely took her mind of her previous thoughts. I'll let you know if she makes it through the night.

Ah, the weekend

Every askes "So what are you gonna do for the weekend". In my current situation, its almost like everyday is the weekend. The days I have medical appt's are busier but they are basically the same. I read, I write, I have contact with family and friends by phone or on-line. I see my wonderful health care aide Mayra, who I don't know what I would do without. Its like you know you would continue but it just wouldn't be so much fun. It is so intensely different going from working everyday of my life for 37 years since I was 16 to being home everyday because I can't work. I never dreamed anything like that would happen to me. I never pictured myself retiring even and now I can't picture myself working. Its like the bag of bones that never stopped has just fallen apart. I get exhausted even when I do nothing. I'm ashamed to admit it but its true and I have to make some sense of this. I have to look at myself honestly in everyway. Its not easy but I have to do it. I don't know that I will always feel this way. If I have learned anything from this experience its that we survive and we change. I have survived so very many different things in my life and until my illness I didn't really change, I'd think I did but I would fall into the same old patterns. Work, don't let yourself be human and never really be alone. I've had 3 husbands, 3 long term serious relationships and more brief encounters than I can remember. I always had someone on deck so to speak even if just as a friend that I knew if I wanted I could pull in to be more. I don't want to do that this time. It helps that I am alone and have little opportunity to meet anyone. I let my last guy know that I wasn't going back to him. It looks like we will be able to maintain a friendship. I hope that it stays that way. I met someone on line, in a strange way. I signed up for a variety of on-line dating services really just to gather information (yes, I am still writing books), so I saw people's profiles but was never able to communicate without giving credit card info which would only be charged if you used it for a certain period of time. Anyway, I attempted to respond even though it should not have worked, it did. So I met someone new. And as tomorrow we will have been seeing each other for 3 weeks. Odd to count weeks isn't it. It seems like we are being open and honest with each other and that makes it the first relationship where I have been me right from the start. It is also the first one in which I am also honest with myself. I have no expections. He is someone I really really like. I miss him when he's not around but I guess I am holding my heart back and keeping it out of things. I have never really done that before. I am tired of being brokenhearted. I have been brokenhearted I guess all my life starting with my family of origin to my last long term relationship. I put everything into it and it never ends good. I want this relationship to be good no matter where it goes or doesn't go. I've been going through my old LP's and 45's and I realized how much of my music was about pain and learning how not to feel. The greatest musicians of my youth was Simon and Garfunkel. They touched other emotions but "Sound of Silence" and "I am a Rock" were the anthems of my youth. I played the album, Parsely, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme", over and over and over. I know all the words to almost every song on every album. I believe I have every album they did together and solo. I read old journals and old poetry that I wrote and the newer ones and the feeling never changes. I have always felt so empty, alone and hurt. And I always wanted to be alone. Now I am but for the first time mostly due to forces beyond my control I am alone with me. It feels strange but not bad. I think I may have finally found what I was always looking for-me. I am facing things differently. Sometimes I feel happy and sometimes I let myself sob. A mental health professional might say I have mood swings (I used to be a mental health professional). Now I would just say I'm living life and that isn't a sign of illness it is a sign of wellness. There is nothing to fear about being who we really are. At least not today. Tomorrow or even later today I may feel differently but you know what that's ok. That's normal.

Finally Friday

I skipped writing one day so now I'm not sure if it was yesterday or the day before but either way I took my first bath since being sick!!!! Of course my home health aide, Mayra had to help me but oh it was so nice. Some kind of lavender beads took me away-sorry calgon! It's little things like that we take for granted and then when you can't do it boy those little things mean a lot. It's been an emotional week for me but I'm still here and feeling pretty positive about my life. I am trying to be me all the time. And honest if possible without hurting anyone but if necessary I think I am prepared to be honest anyway. I have a support system that encourages me to be me and are accepting of who I am. You know being yourself can be the hardest thing there is to do. Some people may think I'm joking but most women, I can't speak for men, are always trying to please some else. Maybe your family, your children, your husbands/partners, your employer, your friends but when do you really please yourself. Pleasing yourself is not selfish. You have more to give and a better quality you to offer. I have almost always bought my own jewelry well this time I bought a cheap cubic zirconion wedding set. I wear it on my right hand for two reasons. First I feel like a widow because every marriage or long term relationship is dead and even though I did the leaving there is loss and grief. I never allowed myself to even think that let alone feel the grief. The second reason is to remind myself that I must first be married to myself before I can be a special person to someone else. I have to acknowledge what I have done for years and that is look out for myself, watch my back. No one every did that for me though I did it for them until the love was dead. So now I don't look or expect anyone else to do it for me. As a matter of fact I am trying so very hard not expect anything from anyone because when you do thats when you get hurt. Its not anyone's fault but your own, my own. I don't blame anyone not even myself. I'm human I can't always do what it is I want to do or be how I want to be.
Had a wonderful dinner out and so comfortable. Hope very much that this lasts. Funny what you find when you're not looking.

Wednesday

Can anyone spell confused? I'm listening to Tom Petty anthology and getting flooded by various emotions. Some good and strong and some lonely and weak. When you put them all in a pot and stir what you get or at least what I get is confused. Stay, go, sick, well, loved, not loved, . Sometimes I wish their was some who could just tell me what the right thing is to do but the only person that can do that is me. I guess I've given myself a deadline of the end of June after I find out what's going on with my lung. If I don't have too long to worry about things I guess I won't worry at all. Yes Tom "The Waiting is the Hardest Part"

The day is improving, I think

I am having a better morning. I felt bad yesterday with flu like symptoms though my guess would be its whatever is affecting my right lung. On the legal front, my lawyer called and said my trial date is July 29th. Hopefully, it will go well. I'll try not to worry until July 28th. I had a nice visit with a friend. Its always nice to see my friends. I also got a phone call from a friend in TN and it was nice to hear from her too. Other than that I have been reading the course work on Shamanism as one of my seminary courses. Later in the day I watched some Beauty and the Beast episodes. Watching it makes my heart feel good. Who needs men!

Sunday and Monday

Yesterday and today to quote Fox Muldy "Trust no one." That should say it all.

Saturday sleep over

Today I am scheduled for a sleep study ordered by my pulmonoligist for I don't know why. But I'll do it anyway. I've been up since 8 and just piddling around. Now after I write some I'll work on my seminary course on Shamanism. I have five more courses to complete the seminary program. I had an unexpected call from a friend that put me in a good mood. After I work on the seminary course I'll work on my Aromatherapy course for my Ph.d program in Holistic Health. I also recalled that the Shamanism course will help me with the dissertation for the 1st Ph.d in parapsychic science. I have completed that program except for the dissertation. I had begun it just before my illness hit and since then my brain just isn't working like it used to. But I am still working on everything I can. I think my choice of seminary course will help me with the dissertation. I've been talking to my previous partner and I did tell him I wouldn't be living with him. I love him but the relationship is not what I want. I need affection and to feel wanted. It is not enough just know I am loved. I would rather live alone than to live in a relationship where I feel hurt all the time. "Love love, love thee not the man" very good advice at least for me.

Still tonight

Well I'm still watching SATC, they are talking about not having sex for 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months and until very recently: 8 years yes if you know me this is bizarre. Awful and bizarre. I can't believe it had been sooooo long. I can't stand not being the me I used to be.

Yesterday

Yesterday went rather well. I got to meet with my lawyer. She seems just perfect to help me out. I have a feeling that if she can't do it no one can/ She intilled trust in me. And Mayra felt the same way. The rest of the day I just ried to shake off the anxiety. I don't have to go to court Monday, she will go and let me know how it goes. Mayra's been great. I don't mind being alone at all but it is nice to have someone around that helps me and cares. I'm not just a job to her. My long dry spell ended and again I am feeling more and more like myself.
Today I have a CT scan on my lung and in the afternoon I see Peter. So for me this is a busy day. That's it so far, oh I did finish my "Goddess Aloud" book. It was excellent and I'm going to try and get Mayra to read it too.
Here I sit at 9:31 pm. I am watching/listening to Sex and the City season 1 disc 2. I have had some good news today. My dear friend/daughter in Tucson has gotten accepted to the U of A nursing school. I am so happy for her and me because she'll be in town. I received a copy of my 2nd opinion from the rehab Dr. He is recommending PT, yeah! He recommends it twice a week for 8 weeks. And he feels I will need braces and that the best I can hope for is walking in the house. To me it means dancing in the house. I may have to postpone my trip home. But I know my family will understand since they want me to be as well as I can. I am also missing someone. I don't think he reads this but to protect the innocent, he will remain nameless. And as I miss him I can't help thinking about the line from the movie Dangerous Beauty: "Love love, love not thee the man". I guess that's just part of my fear from all my past lives. I am going to pay attention to Sex and the City for some reason it makes me feel better.

Moods

I had a day of many moods. Good, confident, sad, longing, jaded, used, and content. I spent part of the day with a dear friend and we watched the movie Dangerous Beauty. It was very good. It's probably available on Netflix. As I always do during movies, I keep a pen and paper nearby in case there is something worth remembering. Today I heard two that made the cut. The first is "Love love, love not the man" and the second is "He's a client like all of the others, love him and you lose." As you can probably tell this is when I was feeling jaded. Right now I'm mixture of an independent, contented and jaded woman. But as long as I can write about my feelings and my experiences and can read about those of others than I can keep just a little slice of the romantic floating around in my heart.
Good night

Later on Tuesday

The evening was difficult. I know I always end up expecting things when I shouldn't. Will I ever learn. I have frequently felt like running away. I can't do it now. But by lord if I get to walk again I'm gone. I will go where no one will find me and I will keep all my secrets to my self. I am alone here but I reach out when I shouldn't. That is no ne's fault but mine. I swear if I ever get my legs back i am not looking back not for anything or anyone, family, friend, enemy if I have any. I truly want to be alone since I know with out a doubt that what I wish were isn't and it will never be. I'm alone. I will always be alone and truly that's how it should be at least for me. But don't anyone worry about me at least not yet. Good night

Tuesday time to think

Yesterday set a new tone for me. It completely and quickly reminded how I feel the best, how I accomplish the most. I felt the heavy chains unlocked from around my heart and soul. I feel free and I feel like me. Sometimes it takes an uncommon friend to to let you see what was there all along your freedom and your creativity. I found an old deck of tarot cards and as I shuffled them today four fell out. When that happens it means those are the one's you are meant to get and read. They fit so perfectly with how I feel today that I will share them with you.
29-This charming woman with bouquet in hand, As with the gentleman her cards will command. The fortunes revealed once the cards have been placed, Unveil the concealed that destiny has traced.
5-One tree from earth is best to see. It springs from birth good health for thee. And if the tree should reappear Close to the Key your goal is near.
13- Friends adore you, children even more. Many new friendships are shortly in store. Consorts are many, enemies are few;Kindliness aplenty emanates from you.
12-The birds mean grief but remain in good cheer, Woes will be brief when the birds disappear. If this card is found far distant from you, A voyage is bound to loom into view.
Yesterday I was reading the Goddess Aloud book and though this ritual was not in it it felt right for me at the time. I have no goddess statutes which is what I would have used but I do have a Goddess Oracle Deck.
I closed my record player so I would have a flat surface. I selected my blue chakra candle as lately I have been very hoarse and have almost lost my voice. To me this is obvious, I am not speaking or maybe not even allowing myself to hear my truth. I shuffled the Goddess deck and again four cards fell out. I decided to put the candle in the center and a card in each corner. I put my tamborine in the back to symbolize my ability to make music. A small smooth deep pink rock to symbolize my heart and my crystal, wood and ruby magic wand to indicate that I can make my own magic happen. I lit the candle and read the cards aloud: Brigit-"Don't back down" " Stand up for what you believe is right", Athena- Inner Wisdom-"You know what to do. Trust your inner wisdom, and take appropriate action without delay". Aeracura-Blossoming "You are just getting started, so have patience with yourself and the process, and do not give up". Ishtar-Bopundaries "Love yourself enough to say no to others demands on your time energy". I don't know if in reading these different cards you see the total message there for me but I do and I will honor the guidance I have been given.

I found me

Today I found the me I lost or misplaced a long time ago. I am really happy about that. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has wondered where they're true self went after years of trying to fit into society's roles. Well, I don't have to do that naymore and I will hold on to the real me for dear life. I was told a very long time ago by someone who knew me better then I knew myself what my calling was. I didn't listen. I kept trying to be what I thought I was supposed to be. Not anymore. I doubt seriously if I can be me in TN but I will try. I owe that to my family. I was sort of myself there for awhile but it was always overshadowed by anger. I have no more anger and maybe I can be that me there. We shall see. I am not your typical anything and I want to be where I can be myself and be the most good to others. I know my purpose in this life is two-fold. Both equally important. We will just have to wait and see. Yes I know I'm vague but that is necessary as my actions affect more than me. I am cognizant of the impact things have on others, including my family.