Can someone be too nice?

I am questioning particularly in my life, is it possible that I have been too nice? When I was little I don't recall ever getting in trouble except when my mother would complain that I always had my nose in a book instead of keeping her company. I got detention once in high school because I had a migraine and the teacher wouldn't let me leave. The vice principal tore the detention slip up because I didn't deserve it. I always got along with everyone in my class. I sound like I think I was perfect. I wasn't. I was not normal. No one is always nice. I was nice to my brother even though he left me alone with a mentally ill mother at 9y.o. so I had to take care of both of us. I saw him and my father once when I was 15 and he had a wife and two kids that we ( my mother and I) never even knew about. I was angry and hurt but I was nice. I had no other contant from them until my mother died. When I found out my husband was cheating I was nice. I asked him if there was anything he wanted to tell me and he waid no and left. Then the husband of the other woman came and showed me pictures and letters. He wanted me to talk her out of it. I was calm and nice. She showed up with her kids sleeping in the car. I went down stairs and spoke to her like I would have spoken to a client. Calm, respectful, encouraged her to work on her own marriage because my family was going to stay together. She was wasting her time. I was nice and calm. Then I made sure I went everywhere with him that I knew she would be. Finally it worked and he went on to someone else but at least I didn't know her. Still I was nice. I still was a good wife. It went on like that for 10 years. I finally had enough and told him he would have to leave. I could no longer live that way. After knowing about the cheating it took me 3 years to get my self esteem up enough to find men that I would see. I didn't like living like that. So I told him to leave if couldn't change. But I was nice about it. I had just been promoted to VP and I got a raise to the beginning level for VP of Operations which was 48,000. The VP in the south of operations was already making 68,000. She had not been a VP and should have been at the same rate as me or raise mine so there wasn't such a discrepancy. Did I say anything? No, I didn't complain and I worked my ass off. She on the other hand didn't make it. But I still never earned what the other VP's did. The last year I began a new service line, wrote grants for it, trained people and became VP of Public Safety services as well as VP of Operations. With all that I made only 5,000 more. And still I worked my hardest and with heart because I believed in what I was doing. Was I nice? Yes. Everyone was afraid of our CEO so when things needed to be said I was the one elected to do it. Fortunately for me, he liked me and respected me so I could say what needed to be said and told him that of course the decision was his and I would follow his lead as best I could. I worked there 17 years. I learned a lot and I learned how not to lead and manage people. I was always nice trying to find win-win solutions. When I saw that was not possible I resigned but I did leave on good terms. And why not I was always nice. I was firm when I needed to be and fired so many people my nickname was the terminator. I just ended up having to clean up other peoples messes. It is hard to properly manage people but when you do you gain loyalty and respect. I had one woman I fired list me as a reference. I had older workers, young right out of school workers and foreigners that I hired and they were surprised. Older workers have good work ethics, young first job people you can train the right way right off the bat and as for the foreinger, she was well qualified and had the same accent as almost all our Doctors. I was fair and I was nice. I see no reason to not be. I was assertive when I needed to be but even then I was calm and respectful. So is there such a thing as too nice? I think the answer for me is yes. There were definitely times when without losing my temper I should have said what I really felt like no you can't have my husband you slut. Leave him alone or else. I should have said 48,000 is too low and I expect a more reasonable salary because of the situation. I was told I got ahead because I thought like a man. A man would have gotten more money. A man would have beat the crap out of the guy cheating with his wife. I did think later that I should have brought my gun down without the bulletts just to scare the crap out of her. I think being too nice is what made me physically ill and what stole my soul. When I moved to Tucson things were far from good but there is an energy here that nourishes me. And through all the unpleasantness I have gone through here I know that if I had been anywhere else I would not have made it. My soul and my spirit grow and develop here. I love it and I am going to make a real effort to not be so nice and understanding all the time. I am no longer going to ignore my needs.

midnight

It's midnight and I can't sleep. I've meditated and done Reiki but I am just not sleepy. I can't say anything is bothering me. I just feel restless. I'm listening the Eagles. They always have a way of singing me back to normalcy. I guess I should make good use of my time and read lesson 6 of the Shamanism course. Wish me luck. I'd like you get sleepy soon.

I'm back

Sorry for being away. I've been here but not if you know what I mean. Everytime I'd think of something I wanted say I would not be in a position to write and then when I was I would forget what I thought was so interesting. Anyway, I've had contact with old school friends from classmates.com which is really a call site. And I fell between my wheelchair and the couch and fell the wrong way on my left foot and I think I broke a few little bones. My foot is swollen, purple and it hurts. I am reading "The Quantum Enigma" Physics and Consciousness. Very interesting. On a more pertinent note, my lawyer called and is working her way through those who have an interest in my case and so far no cares if it gets changed to just a moving violation. She has yet to get to the prosecutor and the judge but I think she will be able to do it. I have faith in her. I am trying to get PT to start me by the beginning of Aug that way I can be finished by the time I visit my daughter in TN in Oct.

7/22/2010 afternoon

It was an interesting afternoon. I got a call from my friend in TN who is ok with us just as friends unless he's drunk and this afternoon he was drunk so I stayed calm and courtesy but said good by and I would talk to him when he could have a decent conversation. I think I handled it well. There never is an easy way. I do want to stay friends with him. He is close to Jennifer and the boys and most of the time he is fine. If I took us away from him it would like taking away his family. He has none of his own and deserves this. What happened today is unusual but then again drinking moonshine all day can mess with your emotions. Our book club watched the movie and it was very much like the book, "Like Water For Chocolate". I had it mixed up with "Chocolat"- I knew write away because the movie I had seen had Johnny Depp! Hey I get all those chocolate movies confused. I've had a very good day. I Reiki'ed myself last night for about an hour and sent energy to my friends and family who could benefit. I had stopped for awhile but I know that I need it again now. I started getting positive reinforcement from external sources and not primarily internally. I have always had a good internal guidance system and I think I'm getting it back. I need to nurture it. More on that later! I'm off to read "Quantum Enigma". I started it today and while I have other things to read and to write this is the book I'm moved to read now.

July232010

It's Friday and for those who work all they are probably happy. I like weekends-no medical appt's. Anyway, I know that astrologically speaking, Mercury is in retrograde and that is not good for man, machine nor beast. I on the other hand am feeling pretty good. I think I am feeling more content and peaceful because I have been doing Reiki on myself and distance healing for some family and friends. It was ends up making me feel more peaceful and focused. Last night it seemed everyone I knew and had contact with was down and out. I was proud of myself because I didn't take any of it personally and I didn't try to "fix" anyone, just be supportive and send energy. I hope it helped but with Reiki it heals what needs to be healed at the time not necessarily what appears to need healing. I am just the plug into the universal life force energy so there is no ego involved. I don't "do" the healing, the universe does. And if it doesn't do one thing it sometimes helps something that is actually more important. I hope everyone has a wonderful day.

Another day in paradise

Today was a good day. I learned that my court date was postponed again. But I have faith in this lawyer to make the prosecutor realize I don't need to prosecuted! And I had healthy pizza with my friend/Dr. and then we went to see Eclipse. A teen chick flick. Bella the heroine has two guys who she loves fighting for her affection. Like who out there honestly wouldn't like to be in that position. But in reality that would never happen for more reasons than I could list. I had a brief talk with my daughter and a good e-mail so I understand her and she understands me. Nothing, not even two men fighting over me, could make me feel better. I found out I have sleep apnea. Its been so long since I have had anyone in my bed who would know! And now its late and I'm tired. I am also trying to find a publisher for the books I have written. Trying to make good use of my time. So good night all. I'll be back tomorrow!

Why

I've some good times and some bad times since my last entry. I want to get emotion from someone who doesn't feel what I want them to feel and no its not a guy. I understand when they don't feel something. I'm not used to being emotional but since my illness and those four months in the hospital I have emotions I'd rather not have and I share them because you never know which breath may be your last. But do you get someone to understand that. Most people don't "get" it but its important for this person to. I don't know what to say or how to get this person to understand. I guess I'll just keep trying. I have been enjoying my alone time so much lately. The times I'm not alone I enjoy as well. I have a lot of appts this week so there will probably be more entries I generally lead a very boring life.

Strange day

It's been a strange day. I can't really put a finger on it. Have you ever had a day like that? I was cotton headed all morning and in more pain than usual but I guess I've just been lucky. It's 2 weeks exactly before court and I must admit it makes uneasy. I am so not criminal material. Anyway, that might be part of it. Then Mayra came earlier and we or I should say drowned reality in to several episodes of Sex in The City. For some reason that show makes my reality feel less lousy. I am really sick of being unable to walk. I feel so stuck. And now unbelievably, I'm speechless. For now.

update

Good news the horse returned. I'm glad and I hope he is too.

He's human

I have been silent for a few days and apparently I have a lot to say now. I just read an MSN article on sexiest and racist comments made by an angry Mel Gibson about his ex-girlfriend. I am a feminist at heart and I abhor any kind of discrimination. Yet I strongly believe we all have the right to speak what we want, you know that nice right we have under the constitution. Plus who of us have not said something in anger that we would not have said otherwise and that we wouldn't want others to hear. I just believe there are so many other much more important things that journalists should be following other than every word that comes out of any entertainers mouth. Ugh!

Irony

This blog is about the journey of life mine and those whose lives intertwine with mine. It is also about karma. I try and see the bigger picture these days and how the universe sometimes gives us just a bit of what we need. I've already accepted the why's of some reallt big hurts I've had and I accept them and the key is to learn from them. What I wanted to share is that there are times when karma happens to someone else and though I have never wanted bad things to happen even to those who've I've allowed myself to be hurt by, I can't help to smile. The husband who cheated on me had such a pained looked on his face when the new jeep he LOVED was stolen, I smiled but I had nothing to do with it. And now the last man in my life LOVED his horse more than anything called upset that the horse has apparently run off and he can't find him. Again, it saddens me really it does but I can't help but have a little grin because the universe tries to let others in our life know by many means that you have to treat those in your life people and animals and jeeps well or they will either leave you or be taken from you. Some people learn and some don't and its sad to say that it seems women learn better than men do. We may not learn as quickly as we should always hoping it will be different but we do learn, at least that has been my experience. And with that note I really hope he finds his horse his lost too much already.

An inspirational reading

Don't Quit
When things go wrong as they sometimes will. When the road you're trudging seems all up hill. When funds are low and debts are high. And you want to smile but you want to sigh. When care is pressing you down a bit-rest if you must but don't you quit. Life is queer with its twists and turns as everyone of us sometimes learns, and many a fellow turns about when he might have won had he stuck it out. Don't give up though the pace seems slow-you may succeed with another blow. Often the goal is nearer than, it seems to faint and faltering man; often the struggler has given up. When he might have captured the victor's cup. And he learned too late when the night came down. How close he came when the night came down how close he came to the golden crown. Success is failure turned inside out. The silver tint of the cloud of doubt. And you never can tell how close you are. It may be near when it seems afar. So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit. It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
I don't know the author but the words have helped me for decades and still do.

My absense

I was going to say I'd taken some days off writing just because I had nothing interesting or insightful to say. But thanks to my sister and her ability to know just when I need a kick in the a-- and some love and support I will not wear my armor. The past few days I have been very depressed and slept most of the day and night. I honestly can't put a finger on why I was feeling so depressed but I have learned to allow myself to feel whatever it is I feel. I think some of it is the waiting for PT to start. I have to wait for an opening. I'm tired of being wheelchair bound and tired of being strong and upbeat. How I feel now and this past weekend will be short lived. It is not in my nature to be this way but I am human and sometimes it just all feels to heavy. So there my friend I have taken my armor off not just with you but with whoever reads my blog. I don't want sympathy or pity I just want to be heard and accepted. And I do have some interesting things to say and some insights but I am still not able to formulate them in a good way to put them in words.

Thursdays seem to come so quickly these days

Yesterday was indeed Wednesday. I know because my friend the Dr. was off and spent time with me having lunch and watching a movie. Girls day because we got to share it with her young daughter. There I was tense at the edge of my seat watching a children's movie. I'm not sure of the name but it was about a place called Nardia. I loved the talking badger and the talking mice. Everytime I see or hear talking mice I think of Fivel and his little song "there are no cat's in America" and his surprise when he found there mice in America. I had a really good day as I finished reading the lessons I have received so far in my Shamanism course, cleaned out my closet with the help of Mayra and tried to emotionally lay low from my former boyfriend. It was really a shock when I saw and admitted to myself that I had allowed myself to be at the least emotionally bullied and at the worst emotionally abused. Having grown up in an abusive environment I can truly say I should have known better. I am not seeing myself as a victim, I never have. I take complete responsibility for how I feel. But again the lesson I have learned from this experience is I must follow my own advice, take care of myself first. And the other lesson is to share who I really am and what happens in my life with my daughter. I keep forgetting she is all grown up and no longer needs to be protected and that she will always love me no matter what. I have always tried so hard to be a good role model to everyone I encountered but especially for my daughter. And i apparently have as she has recently used my own words to show me the error of my ways (don't you hate it when they do that!). It makes you feel like a little kid. I am sure it continue allow our already wonderful relationship grow to a new and even better level.
I heard from my spiritual mentor in the past couple of days. I am so happy. She is always in my heart but now we can communicate in more normal ways. And as soon as I figure out how to link her blog to mine I will do so. She taught me about goddesses, the Feminine Divine and Reiki. She helped me find my spirit. I was looking and the Universe put her right in my path. As a result of my illness and it's effect on my memory, I was unable to access my hotmail account. I couldn't remember my username or my password and microsoft made it impossible to retrieve it. I couldn't even remember the answer to my secret question.
I sent time last night in particular convincing myself I didn't miss a guy I have just recently started seeing. I am so determined to be able to be alone that I am shutting down feelings. And right now I believe it is something I must do to grow to my next level. I don't want to ever need a romantic partner though someday I will find it is okay to want one.
Last night I slipped in the bathroom and fell between the toilet and the bathtub. This was good and bad. It was good because I was able to quite easily pick myself up and get back in my chair. It was bad because all day my side hurt very much. I sat on the couch with the heating pad around me while I read and napped. I still get incredibly fatigued in the middle of the day and even if there is no one hear I wake myself up talking. It's the nacrolepsy that my pulmonologist doesn't believe I have even though I meet the criteria perfectly. Some Dr.'s just don't like informed patients.
In my decades as a therapist I always believed that with a few exceptions I was the best one for the job. And I still believe that to be true in general. However, I have a therapist who is just perfect for me. As I am just shy a dissertation for a Ph.d in parapsychic science and I believe in all things paranormal including intuition, ghosts, spirits, and that we are all part of the Universal force that makes up everything, a more traditional therapist I would not share these things with. As a matter of fact, my dissertation looks at the psychic, the psychotic and the religious mystics/shamans and the similarilities in their brains and brain chemistry leaving only culture to make them either gifted, holy or sick. I am sure that many of the sickiest individauls I have treated or hospitalized really needed someone to teach them about the gifts they had and how to control and use them to benefit themselves and others. In any case, again I am grateful to the universe for putting me with a person who understands and even draws on what I know to increase his knowledge base. I have been reading an article by Judith Orloff, MD and I have learned she is psychic and has been both negatively and positively affected by it. It is more accepted then it used to be and is especially here in Tucson. That may be why I feel so contented here. Well that's it for this entry. More tomorrow.....

Later on the water shed day

Mayra definitely changes my day and helps my mood. I think we help each other. We can be each other's reality check and validators. I'm grateful for her. My daughter is amazing. She can take just about anything and even in a totally exhausted state be more eloquent than I can on my best day. Just when I think I should bob and weave she hits me with an upper cut of love. She really is amazing. I settled down and made some decisions that should make my life calmer. I think I am ready to focus on my goals. I am working on going threw the house and make it my own again. With Mayra's help we are getting there. I am reading the material on my Shaman course for ULC. It has information that fits right in with the dissertation I've yet to write. But I believe I will be able to start it after I finish the Shaman course. I am also ready to get back to work on the Aromatherapy course. I have 1 and a half books left in that course. I wanted to start working on the 2nd Ph.d while waiting for my head to work well enough to do a good job on the dissertation. I have realized like I did as a teenager but forgot that I am not responsible for other people in how they perceive things, in what they do or don't do. I am only responsible for my own feelings, thoughts and actions. I know it and always have but somehow I lost it in my life. I have it back. I really am using this time to look at myself in the mirror. Some of what I see I like and some of what I see I need to change. But I will identify those things and share them with those who read this. I am not afraid to look at the good and the bad in me. Changing can be scary but sharing it like I am helps me not be afraid.

A watershed day

How is it that 44 years ago I let my life be controled by a mentally mother and her abusive husbands and now all these years later I find I am allowing the same thing to happen. I'm still allowing myself to be controled emotionally by a carbon copy of my mother. I think I have learned something in those years and while its taken me longer than I would like to see it. I do see it. And I am not going to let it happen to me again. No one is going to control me. There is nothing that can be done to me. I am stronger than that. I will not buy into it. Whatever he does to himself or tries to do to me will fail. I take responsibility for myself but just me not anyone elses behavior. If that's the lesson I was supposed to learn from the past four years, well I've learned it. And class is over. I don't care what threats I get. If I have the chance to say that I will but I am going to do what I can to keep his brand of poison away from me. I am blocking his number from my cell and I will not answer my home phone at night. If I don't hear it it can't hurt me. I hate it is ending this way but that wasn't my choice. Keeping my sanity is my choice. It was my choice over 40 years ago and its my choice again. I hope I have learned this lesson for the last time.

Adult Angst

Why is life so difficult to be honest. They say life during your teens is filled with angst but at least people expect that. As an adult you're supposed to know exactly what we want and do it. I know what is best for me but when I do what is best it hurts other people. I feel bad in a way but not in another. In this case, the person being hurt is basically a good person but he is now feeling the pain he has caused others and he can't understand it. Sylvia went through it for years and always forgave him and took him back. His excuse his illness, he's normal needs, he couldn't say no. He changed and now he can't be that understanding person his ex-wife was. His broken heart is more important than I'm he felt hers was and more important than mine when I believed everything he said only to find it was not true. Or mine when I had no physical contact for years and spent most of my time walking on egg shells to not upset him. So why do I still feel guilty, feel bad, why do I want to keep him from feeling bad even though all I want to do is be honest but I have a hard time because I hate hurting anyone and him in particular.

Thursday afternoon

Well its not Thursday. I have had a weird couple of days. My up's and down's have felt like a bouncing ball against a wall of a school in a playground. I also have been feeling ill so I slept alot. I think I'm over it. I watched season 2 of Sex in The City and that always makes me feel better, not alone. But I'm still not ready to open my blinds figuritvely or literally. Another thing that has helped how feel is a Stevie Nicks cd I just got. I love her voice and her songs just touch my heart right whee it needs.

July 1st

I did survive yesterday and my lung at clean bill of health so now their trying to come up with another explanation for my coughing up blood. Ihave happy, sad and to fight off some verynegative energy. I need to smudge this place. I know where that dark could comes from. And I am trying get him to see its better to leave me alone. I have no idea where this day has gone. I have busy since 5 am, but I don't feel like I have accomplised anything then responding to all he e-mails. I had a friend come over and visit. But that wasn't long. I grocery shopped, shopped for new bedding. Answered some mail from classmates.com I cooked dinner. I guess I did accomplish more than I thouhgt but I have som uch I need to write about and I didn't get a chance maybe later this evening.